Chapter 18: I Know You Don’t Love Me

Although Su Ai was a terrible person in the past, maybe she’s really changed.  I’m still judging her based on her past behavior. That’s wrong of me.

“Why did you suddenly decide to rent a room?”

Adjustable hospital beds weren’t common then, so when Ji Yang wanted to sit up, Su Ai placed a folded blanket behind him for support, along with a small eating board.

She brought over a small table and arranged Ji Yang’s food.

An adult’s dinner wouldn’t consist of just wontons, especially since he hadn’t had lunch.  To ensure Ji Yang had enough nutrition, Su Ai bought him wontons, a meat pie, and a vegetable pie.

Watching Su Ai busy herself, Ji Yang felt increasingly guilty.

He barely dared to meet her gaze.

“What’s wrong?”

Su Ai was adept at reading people.  She noticed Ji Yang seemed off.

“Are you uncomfortable? Do you need to use the toilet?”

Ji Yang quickly shook his head.

“No, I was just wondering why you suddenly rented a room.”

“Don’t worry, it’s not a monthly rental, but a daily rental. Many people rent rooms near the hospital to care for patients. It’s fifty cents a day.”

Workers earned only thirty to fifty yuan a month, so fifty cents a day was expensive.

“Mainly, it has a stove for cooking.”

“We’ll be here for at least a week.  We can’t buy your meals every day.  If we cook ourselves, Lele and I can eat too, and I can improve your meals.”

“Also, Lele and I need a place to stay.  There’s an empty bed in the ward, but another patient might come at any time.”

“It’s not just me staying here; there’s also Lele. If it were just me, I could manage.”

“Don’t worry about money. If it’s not enough, I’ll find a way.  You just focus on getting better.”

Su Ai saw Ji Yang’s troubled expression and thought he was worried about money.

“Eat your dinner.”

With others around, Ji Yang couldn’t say anything.  He looked at his son’s toys and snacks, and at how well he was being cared for.  He felt even guiltier, eating his dinner without tasting it.

That night, another patient occupied the empty bed in the ward.  Other caregivers used folding beds or chairs, staying up all night.  But Su Ai had a child, making it inconvenient to stay in the ward.  Also, Ji Yang didn’t need to get up at night yet, so he could manage alone.

So, Su Ai washed Ji Yang, gave him water, and helped him with his personal needs.  Then she prepared to take Lele back to sleep; the child was yawning and eventually fell asleep in her arms.

“It’s late. I’ll take the child back. I’ll be here early tomorrow morning.”

“The rented place is very close to the hospital, just at the entrance. I can get there in five minutes.”

The child was sleeping soundly in Su Ai’s arms.

The ward lights were off, and the patients were asleep.  The ward was quiet.

Only a small lamp next to Ji Yang emitted a faint light.

The darkness seemed to amplify Ji Yang’s guilt, making him restless.  He looked at Su Ai and whispered:

“I’m sorry.”

Su Ai sensed Ji Yang wanted to say something. She was surprised by his apology.

“Why are you saying this?”

Su Ai was puzzled. He lowered his voice:

“Because this afternoon…”

“I thought you’d run away with the money and Lele.”

“I thought you might sell Lele.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have suspected you.”

Su Ai finally understood Ji Yang’s afternoon turmoil.

No wonder his expression had been so strange.

Su Ai didn’t take it seriously; he had done wrong things before, so it was understandable that he would think that way.

Now that she was back and Ji Yang knew he was wrong, Su Ai didn’t feel wronged.  But seeing Ji Yang’s guilt, she maintained a serious expression.

“That’s how you think of me?”

Seeing Su Ai’s expression, Ji Yang knew she was unhappy.  It was understandable; he would be unhappy too if he were wrongly accused.

But she had clearly changed. If her suspicions made her unhappy or reverted to her old ways, Ji Yang wouldn’t want that.  He apologized again anxiously:

“I’m really sorry, I…”

“Don’t say that.”

“Ji Yang, do you think I’ve never loved you?”

Ji Yang blushed at the mention of love.

People in this era were generally reserved; they wouldn’t openly talk about love.

“I can’t deny my past actions; I did those things. But from now on, listen carefully, Ji Yang, I truly love you. I can’t live without you, so I’ll change, take care of you and the child.”

“Whether you believe me or not… I’ve said it anyway.”

“But because of my past actions, it’s understandable if you don’t believe me or suspect me. Sigh…”

Su Ai sighed, her bright eyes drooping, filled with sadness.

“I know you won’t believe me.”

“I know you don’t love me.”

“After all, our initial relationship was terrible. It’s understandable if you don’t like me.”

“Your feelings for me are mostly about Lele and responsibility. I understand.”

Su Ai played the victim.

Seeing Ji Yang blush, unsure of what to say, Su Ai looked increasingly sad.

“Sigh…”

Another sigh.

Seeing her unhappiness, Ji Yang felt uncomfortable.

It wasn’t like that. He wanted to tell Su Ai that he liked her, and it wasn’t just about responsibility; he loved her too.

But he was too reserved to say those words.

He couldn’t bear to see Su Ai’s sadness.  He finally leaned towards her.