Her, Kilianerisa (1)

Born into one of the few ducal families in the empire, Kilianerisa grew up without any material hardship. However, due to the fact that her mother died while giving birth to her, she unknowingly faced cold treatment from her family.

Her heart, which she initially thought could be filled with material possessions, could not fill the empty space of affection. Instead, it only left her feeling emptier. She just wanted to be loved.

Perhaps because she never received love from a young age, Kilianerisa always yearned for affection.

Not knowing any other way, Kilianerisa could only express her frustration at not receiving love by showing anger or using force. However, the more she longed for love, the further away it seemed to be.

Then, one day.

As Kilianerisa walked down the corridor, she heard the voices of Fabius and Vanesel. Suddenly, she glanced at them, and through the slightly open door, she saw that they were discussing something.

“How dare he insult the Duke of Hameln?!”

Bang!

Fabius, who seemed angry about something, slammed his desk. Kilianerisa couldn’t help but flinch at that sound. Because of that, the door, which was slightly open, gradually opened wider. Sensing someone’s presence, Fabius and Vanesel’s gazes turned toward her.

“What are you doing here?”

“I, I was just…”

“That’s not an answer, is it? I’m asking where you learned the habit of eavesdropping. No, forget it. I don’t want to waste my time on something useless. Just go.”

Something useless. That was what her father called Kilianerisa. She was accustomed to hearing them, but for some reason, they bothered her even more today.

“Father, you shouldn’t treat me like this, should you?”

“What?”

Despite her unusual response, the duke remained indifferent.

“I can fulfill your wishes, Father.”

“Wishes?”

“Yes. As you know, I am the legitimate daughter of Duke of Hameln.”

“And how does that matter?”

She was so angry that it caused her to lose control, and it began to erupt uncontrollably.

“If I aim to become the Empress, who could stop me?”

Kilianerisa let out a bitter laugh. Her heart raced, and her voice trembled unevenly. At least, that’s how she felt. She hid her trembling fists under the hem of her dress. Fabius responded with a chuckle.

“I am not as useless as you may think, Father. So…”

“Right! That’s it! Haha, why didn’t I think of such a great idea?”

He looked satisfied. It was as if, for the first time, he acknowledged her existence, making her heart flutter slightly.

“I will see the Emperor soon and personally promote you as a candidate for Empress.”

Having said that, Fabius began to rummage through the drawers. Kilianerisa felt like she had been hit in the head. She belatedly snapped back to her senses. What on earth had she just said?

She stammered in response, trying to explain herself.

“Well, then, what about the engagement…”

“Oh, you don’t have to worry about that. I’ll take care of everything.”

He waved his hand to dismiss her. Kilianerisa stood there in silence, unable to say anything. It was only then that she realized her mistake. Callisis was the only person who had shown her love, so she couldn’t back down now.

What should she say?

As she contemplated what words to use, Fabius, who had been rummaging through the drawers, turned around and looked at her.

“Do you have anything else to say?”

She pursed her lips. She didn’t know how to start the conversation. Kilianerisa hesitated, fearing that changing her words might make her father, who already viewed her with disdain, might like her even less.

But then, unexpectedly, Fabius smiled kindly before speaking.

“As you said, it seems you have some use after all.”

It was a gentle voice. Her eyes welled up with tears at the warm voice she had only heard in her dreams. She thought she didn’t need her father’s love, but it seemed that she was wrong.

“Then, if there’s any need for you, I’ll call you. You can leave now.”

He turned away again after he spoke. His voice was still soft. She knew what she had to say from the beginning.

“…I understand.”

She felt strange. It felt as if she was walking on the clouds, and yet her heart was pounding as though she had committed a great sin. It was a strange feeling. However, the feeling of numbness dissipated as she entered the dark, unlit room.

She realized belatedly how foolish she had been.

Why, why did I say that?

‘I should tell him right now…’

It was something said in anger, so she had to take it back immediately. Kilianerisa turned and headed toward the door. She reached out for the doorknob. Well, she tried to, but her hand barely grazed the doorknob before weakly falling back. She was confused.

Why, why am I hesitating?

She couldn’t understand her feelings, even though they were her own.

She had never even thought of him as a father. So, there was no need to be so affected by just one kind word. He had always been indifferent to her, and unlike her father, Callisis was the only one who showed her affection.

Even though it was clear that the two of them could not be compared, what tugged at her heart was the smile her father had shown her for the first time.

It’s not fair that the first smile I’ve seen from my father could affect me so deeply. She bit her lip. She knew that this was definitely not the case, but she couldn’t let go of the image of her father at that moment.

Despite her continued contemplation, she ultimately did nothing until the day her engagement was cancelled. The truth was, she was afraid. She was afraid that her father, whom she had thought of as a stranger, would never look at her again.

She thought she didn’t care, that she had brushed it off, but… She was still a child.

A child who had no courage to go against the opinion of an adult. On the day the engagement was announced, she felt as if her heart was breaking. But it was something already familiar to her. Every time such a thing happened, she always comforted herself as a habit.

It’s okay. Hearts are fickle.

The love she knew wouldn’t be something she could only get from Callisis. So, she just had to shake it off. She would soon become the Empress, and she was sure she would receive the same kind of love from the Emperor.

As she repeatedly reminded herself of this, it felt like she was predicting the future.

The pain would be short-lived. Even though it hurt so much, she could endure it.

However, when she met Callisis, she was so overwhelmed that she almost reached out to him without realizing it. It was at that moment when her steadfast resolve collapsed in the face of the wounded look of her lover. Her trembling gaze fixed on Callisis, but he, who happened to be looking away, didn’t notice.

Fortunately.

She belatedly regained her composure and quickly bit her lip. She felt like if she didn’t do that, she might spill everything to him in no time.

Watching his departing figure, Kilianerisa vowed never to regret her choice. She shouldn’t regret the decision she made.

***

Time passed, and she became the Empress. Her father treated her affectionately for the first time. The warmth she had never experienced before made her heart swell with emotion. Even though there was a hint of greed in his eyes, she was simply happy that he treated her that way.

No matter the form it took, that emotion was solely directed at her.

The palace was more comfortable than her home. She didn’t have to worry about anyone’s eyes, and she could relax. Fabius also showed her the utmost sincerity, which was what she had always wanted. Now, all that remained was to win the love of the Emperor.

There was a rather scrawny consort by his side, but it was fine. She had risen to such a grand position that even her father had to show her respect. So, getting rid of a Queen from a modest background like her was no big deal.

The position that every woman desired and longed for, the Empress of the Empire!

That glorious position was now hers.

So, she thought that once she reached such place, everything would be over. She believed it would be a story with a happy ending, but this was just another beginning.

Kilianerisa’s plan to win the Emperor’s heart did not come to fruition. She had hoped to meet him and start something, but he only appeared on formal occasions and never sought her out. Of course, he did find her a few times out of courtesy, but it wasn’t something he did because his heart was moved.

Then, one day, Kilianerisa saw it.

The sight of the scrawny Queen and the Emperor playing together like a loving couple. At first, she was simply angry with the Queen. How dare she spend such a joyful time with the Emperor, who couldn’t even be challenged. She felt jealous.

As she was about to go and confront her, she saw a genuinely happy smile on Leonard’s face, and Kilianerisa stopped in her tracks. It was a loving smile he had never shown her before. At the same time, it was a smile that reminded her of someone else.

Her stomach churned. She quickly turned away, trying to calm her unsettled feelings. Her complexion paled in an instant. She had to go back to her quarters, forgetting her initial determination to disrupt the two.

That night, in her dream, Callisis appeared. It was a memory of the day they had joyfully participated in a festival before she said goodbye to him. The festival, which they had attended together several times, had already been part of their lives, but it was now a dream that could never be returned to.

At the same time, it was a moment she had always regretted.

‘I thought I had forgotten…’

It’s been months since she hadn’t thought of him, so she believed she had forgotten him. But why did she suddenly think of him?

Lost in thought, she concluded that it was the emperor’s fault. The Emperor not looking at her had clearly made her recall her former lover. Kilianerisa smiled bitterly at her current situation. However, it was short-lived as she quickly suppressed her emotions.

My current feelings are useless to my role as the Empress.

That’s why she had tried to forget. But the more she tried to forget, the more vivid her memories of him became. Every time this happened, she would brainwash herself.

‘I only love the Emperor. So, forget about those sentimental old memories.’

She became even more obsessed with the Emperor to avoid thinking about him. However, all she got was not love but misery.

Her heart ached.

I just wanted to be happy.

I only wanted to be loved…

Like a child, Kilianerisa wept in the face of reality. She had only wanted one thing, but that one thing never came true.

No, I kicked it away when it had already come true.

She belatedly acknowledged her feelings.

She was a foolish and pitiful person. She missed Callisis. She wanted to go to him, apologize for her mistakes, and tell him that she didn’t mean it. Even though she despised something pathetic, at this moment, she wanted to hold onto his ankle, no matter how pathetic it was.

What was the point of such petty pride? She regretted her past when she had let her wounded pride dictate her actions.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

Crying out for the one and only love she had, the one who had now become a part of her past, Killianerisa sobbed uncontrollably.

Please, get me out of this hell.

This place is not happy at all. I would have been better off at home, even with my father’s persecution and the watchful eyes of my family. Because Callisis was there.