“I hate you so much, you know that? You’re the person I hate most in this damn world.”

Someone punched me in the face.

I was knocked to the ground.

Damn, this guy didn’t even use a gun.

Within seven steps, fists are faster.

I stood up and charged at him, slamming him against the wall. I punched him over and over.

He hit back, and we started brawling.

I said:

“Zhou Shaobo, you’re a rat that can’t see the light of day.”

I said:

“Zhou Shaobo, if you die, no one will give a damn about your funeral.”

I said:

“Zhou Shaobo, do you really think I love you?”

I grabbed his collar.

The pain was gone.

It was just like a snowball fight—snow sneaking into my clothes.

Back then, I didn’t know he would walk such a dark path.

And he didn’t know that I, this ungrateful brat, came back to send him to prison.

I only knew he was my brother.

Whatever he told me to do, I did.

The guy’s handsome face was almost ruined by my punches.

But then I noticed he was smiling.

He said:

“Hey.”

“The police uniform, huh.”

“A-Lin, I want to wear it too.”

I grabbed his collar.

I remembered when we were kids, hiding in the closet.

There was only one picture in the book—a handsome cop in uniform.

Young Zhou Shaobo wiped the dust off the illustration with his finger.

There were stars reflecting in his eyes from the candlelight.

“A-Lin, I’m going to be a cop one day too.”

“When I become a cop, I’ll be able to protect the person I like.”

My pupils shrank as I pulled him closer to me, whispering in his ear:

“Do you deserve it?”

Do you deserve it…

His fingers hooked onto the edge of my police uniform sleeve.

I kicked him down, yelling for him not to touch me.

And then, another round of fighting began.

Somehow, as if by instinct, we both found our guns.

Sparks flew, glass shattered everywhere.

In police school, I excelled at shooting.

I imagine, during his time on the streets, he became an expert at dodging.

When we were young, I would never have thought that one day we’d be aiming guns at each other.

If that little boy could see this, he’d probably grab my collar and ask, “Are you insane?”

From beginning to end, I’ve always been a bastard.

Maybe the person I truly wanted to kill was myself.

I shot him in the leg, but his shot missed.

He tumbled down the stairs, collapsing in a pool of blood.

He was still alive.

He looked up at me, smiling.

“Can’t think of any more hurtful things to say?”

“Go ahead.”

“Brother’s listening.”

I rushed over and punched him again.

“F*** you.”

“F*** you.”

But he didn’t curse back.

He just said softly:

“I think I see a path.”

He turned his head.

I knew the blood had filled his eyes—there’s no way you’re seeing anything, brother.

You’ve long been blind.

“I see it. That day, I was the one holding your hand, running away.”

“Heh, what if I had escaped that day too? Wouldn’t things be different?”

“Wouldn’t it be great?”

“I’d be a low-level cop, and so would you.”

“You’d say you just helped the neighbor grandma find her stolen chicken, and I’d say, ‘That’s nothing.’”

“Your brother climbed a tree and caught Old Wang’s cat.”

“Wouldn’t it be wonderful…”

He lay there, his voice leisurely.

But there was no way he could’ve escaped.

That day, I remember, people tend to block out the most painful memories.

That day.

The forest was so dense it blocked out the sky.

Birds and beasts scattered.

Beyond the dark woods was a gravel path.

I ran towards the light.

But Zhou Shaobo, you didn’t run.

You made a deal with the director.

He wouldn’t chase me anymore.

And you, Zhou Shaobo…

You became the director’s captive.

---

A gunshot rang out like thunder.

I snapped back to reality.

The person in front of me—blood had bloomed from his temple like a flower.

The snowball fight was over. He didn’t throw the snowball at me, he threw it at himself.

Zhou Shaobo was covered in blood, so much that I couldn’t wipe it all away.

But I still saw it.

He smiled, his lips curving slightly.

“A-Lin, you look great in that police uniform.”

“Can I be the brightest star on your shoulder badge?”

That day, right before he died…

The last thing he said to me was this.

Then, the sirens blared, and the task force rushed into the building.

Someone helped me up, and someone else carried away his body.

I didn’t cry, and I didn’t laugh.

I just felt like a long winter had passed. Funny, I didn’t feel cold at all.

---

Pear blossoms filled the branches.

In a spring night, under a light drizzle.

I received a second-class individual merit medal.

At the same time, I was sentenced to six years and seven months in prison.

Involuntary manslaughter, aiding a criminal organization.

The law doesn’t shield anyone, not even public officials. Wrong is wrong.

Even undercover agents must face the consequences.

These are things we all know before we go undercover.

I served my sentence.

Prison life was dull and gray.

Maybe because they knew my background, the guards treated me kindly.

I behaved well and got out early.

I quit the police force and got a job as a cemetery caretaker.

I smoked.

From dawn to dusk.

During the day, I sat in the security office scrolling through videos.

At night, I went out drinking, getting completely wasted.

I knew everyone in the bar looked down on me.

They said I’d been to prison.

They called me scum.

When I got drunk, I’d go out and pick fights.

And I’d end up back in the detention center.

Later, my old partner came to see me.

“Why did you turn into this?”

“At least take a shower, man.”

“Screw you.”

I sat there, propping my chin on my hand, grinning at him.

“…”

He reached out and snatched the cigarette from my hand.

“Still smoking, huh.”

“Trying to get lung cancer?”

“Does lung cancer hurt?”

I asked him.

“Of course it does.”

“Oh.”

“…”

“Old Zhou, maybe it’s time to let go.”

After a long silence, he lit the cigarette I had been smoking.

“You can’t stand still forever.”

“You have to move forward.”

“It’s time to step out of it, right?”

It’s time to step out of it?

On the way back, I kept thinking about that sentence.

I slowly…

Held my head in my hands.

And squatted down.

But I couldn’t step out.

Not at all.

---

Every year, a strange mother and daughter come to the cemetery.

They bring two offerings.

That day, I was already drunk by noon.

On a whim, I approached the woman and asked,

“What are you doing?”

“Your husband must have a big appetite to need two offerings.”

My words were sharp and unpleasant.

Anyone else probably would’ve slapped me by now.

But her voice was gentle.

“My husband was a police officer.”

Oh, a police officer. I nodded, giving the tombstone a thumbs-up.

“Impressive.”

“He died in the line of duty during a mission.”

The woman continued, brushing dust off the tombstone.

“He was killed by his colleague.”

“His colleague was also an undercover agent. When my husband was tortured beyond recognition, it was his colleague who personally killed him.”

I froze.

The woman smiled softly and said,

“Actually, I understand. I know how painful it must’ve been for that colleague.”

“Watching his comrade die and then bearing the guilt of being a murderer.”

“Later, I tried to find that colleague for a long time, but I couldn’t.”

“Someone told me he died, but had no grave. No wife or daughter. So I thought, if he really passed away…”

“Maybe my husband could take him some food in the afterlife.”

The woman smiled, turning to look at me.

“In my heart, he’s a hero just like my husband.”

“Both of them contributed to the country, both were upright and kind.”

“Some are sparks of fire, some are the vast spring breeze.”

“And he was like a stalk of wheat, burning himself to ashes.”

“Along the way, I’m sure he…”

“Must’ve suffered a lot, right?”

“…”

The woman looked at me in surprise.

The spring wind swept through the pear blossoms.

She must’ve wondered.

Why did this drunk man in front of her suddenly squat down…

And cry like that?

(The End)