Chapter 17 – Midnight Doubts

By the time Xu Shiqi returned to Wen Jialuo’s place, it was already past midnight, and she felt helpless at finding herself here once again at such an odd hour. After leaving last time, she never thought she’d visit again, but surprisingly, she found the entrance to the hallway quite accurately. Wen Jialuo laughed from behind, saying her memory was quite good, but Xu Shiqi certainly wouldn’t admit that she remembered because she got lost last time.

Inside, it looked the same as before; nothing new to see. After a day of excitement, Xu Shiqi just wanted to dive onto the big bed, roll around a few times, and then fall asleep.

“Get up, let’s take a shower.”

Just as she was about to touch the edge of the bed, she was jolted up by the familiar phrase. This time, the host was very spirited, pulling her into the bathroom.

As soon as she took off her outer coat and entered the bathroom, Xu Shiqi shivered; the early winter night was already quite cold. She tried to give Wen Jialuo a pitiful look, hoping she would let her off the hook. If she took a shower, she would definitely lose her drowsiness; she didn’t want to turn into a national treasure panda.

“If you don’t shower, don’t even think about getting into my bed,” Wen Jialuo firmly tossed out, then went to get her pajamas.

Xu Shiqi froze. Although she was still cold all over, the words struck her like a lit fuse, igniting a surge of warmth in her heart. She noticed her cheeks flushed in the bathroom mirror and couldn’t help but rub them hard. Seriously, why did she have to make it sound so ambiguous?

When Wen Jialuo brought over the pajamas and saw her standing there, she raised an eyebrow, “What are you doing?”

Xu Shiqi turned to her, and the girl’s face was free of any hint of ambiguity; she seemed genuinely impatient.

“Got it.” After taking the pajamas and pushing her out, Xu Shiqi closed the door, laughing at herself in self-mockery. What was she thinking? Why was her mind so unclear? She turned on the faucet, and hot water gushed out, filling the bathroom with steam that blurred the colorful tiles. As she washed, time seemed to stretch; perhaps she was a bit tipsy. But once she stepped out of the bathroom and was hit by the cold air, her mind cleared up a little.

Back in the room, the girl had already moved two blankets onto the bed, sitting on the edge with a look of grievance as if her territory were about to be invaded, simply lowering her head, revealing a clear outline of her spine at the back of her neck.

“Do you sleep honestly?” the girl asked lazily when she noticed the noise.

Xu Shiqi tilted her head, “That’s hard to say.”

The girl was taken aback, “What do you mean?”

“Actually, I’ve never shared a bed with anyone, so I wouldn’t know.” Seeing the girl’s expression, Xu Shiqi couldn’t help but tease her, pretending to be troubled.

“Really?” The girl stared at her, then lowered her head, “…I’m going to take a shower.”

“Oh, right, your classmate Kuang Xiaoan called; I answered for you and handled it.”

Xu Shiqi thanked her, thinking escaping from the bar was the right choice; otherwise, she wouldn’t know what Xiaoan would do to her. When Wen Jialuo glanced at her after finishing that sentence, Xu Shiqi hurriedly climbed onto the bed, wrapping herself in the blanket, trying to fall asleep immediately. But counting sheep and then goats, all the sheep fled in panic at the faint sound of water from the bathroom. Her mind was a chaotic mess, and Xu Shiqi thought she might be better off sleeping on the sofa.

Nighttime is always dangerous; being hungry for anything could be a primitive instinct. Having drunk some alcohol, various versions from novels, movies, and real histories often end up in trouble at this time. She hoped she wouldn’t act impulsively, especially with a girl in bed she didn’t entirely reject.

In the end, Xu Shiqi decided it was best not to take any risks. She sat up from the bed and jumped down barefoot.

“What are you doing?”

As Wen Jialuo emerged, she saw Xu Shiqi hugging the blanket, shivering.

“I’ll sleep on the sofa instead.”

Wen Jialuo stepped forward, snatched the blanket, and tossed it onto the bed, “I didn’t say you couldn’t; just sleep well!”

Her forceful movement pushed Xu Shiqi back onto the bed. Her pajamas had no buttons and were only tied at the waist with a long belt. Sitting up straight, she realized her thighs were exposed to the air, instantly sending chills down her spine; the cold air also seeped into her chest, leaving her feeling nearly half-naked. It wasn’t that she was uncomfortable; it was that she felt awkward. Xu Shiqi silently cursed and pulled her collar up, her scalp tingling, not daring to look up as if something was pressing down on her head. Due to the unexpected embarrassment and Wen Jialuo’s inexplicable anger, she had to give up the safer option of the sofa and quickly lay back down. Only when her head touched the pillow did she think awkwardly, what exactly are you uncomfortable about?

The main lights were turned off, leaving only a faint orange wall lamp, like a glowing insect quietly resting there. Although they were on the same bed, it felt safer than drawing a dividing line. The whole room was enveloped in a gentle night, and Xu Shiqi listened to the sound of breathing not far away, gradually calming her heart.

With two blankets between them, what could happen? It felt just like two beds in a hotel, which was quite nice.

“Hey, why aren’t you talking?” the girl suddenly spoke, her voice a bit hoarse.

“What should I say?” Xu Shiqi asked softly, feeling herself almost falling asleep.

“…Sing a lullaby for me?”

The drowsiness faded away, and Xu Shiqi turned her head to see the girl talking to her with her back to her, truly rude. “Are you three years old? Even three-year-olds don’t need to listen to lullabies.”

“What song did you sing today?”

“‘Spring is Coming,’ what’s wrong?” Xu Shiqi restrained herself from the urge to poke her, “Are you talking to the nightstand?”

The girl seemed to freeze for a moment before slowly turning around.

Xu Shiqi suddenly found her voice lost. In the girl’s gaze was a vague light, more obscure than the night. The struggle shimmering there felt familiar yet strange; it didn’t seem like she was trying to restrain herself from doing something but rather seemed to be seeking validation. But this light extinguished almost instantly, turning into a clarity that washed away everything.

Without the so-called awkwardness, the girl finally closed her eyes, whispered goodnight, and fell silent.

Xu Shiqi lay stiffly on her side, her gaze wandering over the girl’s face. Her mind became unclear again, and her heart raced. She finally recalled a moment at Baohua’s house when both she and Wen Jialuo had avoided eye contact when Baohua’s towel fell.

The world… can’t be this small.

Xu Shiqi stared at Wen Jialuo’s calm sleeping face, and after a long time, she gently asked, “Wen Jialuo, is it true that you decided to remain single because you have a crush on someone?”

No one answered her; Wen Jialuo seemed to be in deep sleep, or perhaps Xu Shiqi’s voice was simply too quiet.

That sentence was the last sound of the night. When Xu Shiqi woke up, the sun was already bright, and her head felt like it was splitting; she sat there for a while, hugging her head, until she was chilled back to reality.

“Are you awake?”

Xu Shiqi looked up, and Wen Jialuo had already put on her coat, looking ready to leave.

“I’m rushing to work; you can manage yourself. Just remember to lock the door when you leave.”

Xu Shiqi sat still, moving her eyes to follow her. The night that had just passed wouldn’t be wiped clean just because it was bright outside; she still remembered the doubts in her heart. However, the girl standing in front of her seemed to have no flaws, and the bit of kindred spirit that had leaked from the dark vortex was entirely retracted, just like… how another version of herself stood in front of anyone every day.

So familiar.

She didn’t ask the girl if she had heard the question she had asked yesterday because at that moment, whether her guess was right or wrong, the question had become unimportant.

Moreover, this time she believed her instincts, so she couldn’t get closer. She clearly knew what path she had chosen; this wasn’t the first scenery to appear on the road, but she believed she could pass through smoothly, just like before.

Or maybe she would become someone else’s scenery and then be rejected on the roadside…

When she returned to the store, Wang Yuan immediately asked in surprise upon seeing her, “What’s wrong? Why do you look so bad?”

“It’s nothing, I just stayed up too late last night.” Xu Shiqi rubbed her forehead.

“Did you have fun?” Wang Yuan blinked, “Xiaoan called home last night; weren’t you with them? Who were you on a date with?”

Knowing her mother was just asking habitually, Xu Shiqi almost forgot to answer.

“I went with Wen Jialuo; we were only drinking.”

“Really? I thought you were already—”

“I’m still the same!” Xu Shiqi exclaimed, feeling annoyed. “Don’t think too much; I’ll get busy now.”

Wang Yuan chuckled and then stopped asking. Xu Shiqi started working quietly, but the warm air in the store couldn’t dispel the coolness still lingering in her heart. After a while, she noticed that today was especially quiet; only a few customers came in and out. When a customer finally asked about something, Xu Shiqi walked over to help, but in the middle of explaining, she suddenly became nervous, thinking about last night’s question again. She hesitated and dropped her eyes, trying to avoid looking directly at the customer.

“Oh? Is it uncomfortable?” The customer who came in for an inquiry teased.

Xu Shiqi shook her head, adjusting her posture, ready to stand up straight, but she couldn’t find a sense of balance in her chest.

“I’m fine, just got a little sleepy.”

Suddenly, the store door swung open, and Wen Jialuo walked in.

“Where’s the product?” she casually asked, her eyes still holding that clear and bright gaze.

Xu Shiqi blinked, as if she had fallen into a dream.

“Eh?” she stammered.

“I came to see you,” Wen Jialuo said, and everyone fell into silence for a moment. Then the moment passed, and a customer suddenly burst into laughter, and Xu Shiqi felt her face heat up. She cursed under her breath and turned around, trying to shake off the impact of last night’s thought.

“What kind of happiness do you want me to have?”

“Like an ordinary person, not too much turbulence, just peaceful and safe.” Wang Yuan glanced at her expression and spoke honestly, “Have a daughter like you, and grow old with my son-in-law, just like how I and his father-in-law are in love.”

“Hmm,” Xu Shiqi lifted her head slightly and thought for a moment, a hint of a gentle smile appearing, “That sounds nice.”

“Daughter,” Wang Yuan suddenly reached out and touched Xu Shiqi’s face, “What exactly have you encountered?”

Xu Shiqi understood what she meant and shook her head, “Nothing much, just had a lot on my mind during last night’s gathering…”

“I see you haven’t rested well; why not go back and sleep a bit more?”

In the end, Xu Shiqi didn’t go back to sleep but instead stayed in the shop to help. When she checked her phone, she indeed saw a missed call from Kuang Xiaoan from last night. However, there was also a strange number that she couldn’t recall. After dialing back Kuang Xiaoan, she was first met with anxious inquiries about whether she was mad, followed by playful scolding for disappearing without notice, saying that she must apologize next time. Apparently, Kuang Xiaoan and her boyfriend had already set off today.

After hanging up, she scrolled back and noticed the unfamiliar number right next to Kuang Xiaoan’s. Her heart skipped a beat.

She immediately redialed the number, and after a long silence, a soft voice called her name.

“Shiqi…”

Xu Shiqi’s eyes widened in surprise, her fingers unconsciously tightening, her voice carrying a frosty edge, “Zhang Ya?”

Zhang Ya, a woman two years older than her, who once lived in the same city, and they met in a bar. The world is not short of like-minded individuals, especially if one seeks them out deliberately. Zhang Ya was a kindred spirit found during Xu Shiqi’s moments of confusion; she hadn’t been able to tempt Xu Shiqi, but Xu Shiqi had tempted her instead.

Not every woman becomes an object of love; no matter how good Zhang Ya was, she couldn’t enter Xu Shiqi’s heart. Thus, Xu Shiqi had rejected her even the notion of a tentative relationship. She knew that once the first step was taken down certain paths, there would be no turning back. Zhang Ya clearly wasn’t enough for her to take that step, not enough for Xu Shiqi to weigh the potential hurt, leading her to think that perhaps she would never find someone like that. Yet, she didn’t see this as too bad; people always have to make choices.

Later, prompted by her parents who missed their precious daughter, she left that city without a second thought and returned home.

She had thought that the other party’s casual farewell before leaving meant she had given up.

“I thought I’d never hear your voice again; yesterday…”

“Yesterday?” Xu Shiqi narrowed her eyes and asked instinctively, “Or was it early this morning?”

There was a pause on the other end, and then Zhang Ya slowly replied, “Does it matter? You didn’t even wait for me to finish speaking before hanging up…”

Xu Shiqi propped her head up and asked softly, “I forgot, what did you say?”

“…I want to find you, I want to be with you. Also, I really like you.” There was something strange in Zhang Ya’s voice, a hint of awkwardness, “Do you believe me?”

“Believe you?” Xu Shiqi felt a sudden chill and warmth. She wanted to laugh, yet her heart was tightly gripped. She felt stiff, yet somehow relaxed at the same time.

She had thought that Wen Jialuo shared her intuition about finding kindred spirits and that the girl had discovered the source of her differences from last night. But it turned out that wasn’t the case. The girl’s hesitation was merely due to unintentionally picking up Zhang Ya’s call; she must have been shocked…

How kind of her not to kick out a woman who could only harbor feelings for other women. Perhaps she was waiting for Xu Shiqi to discover this call; if it had gone unnoticed—Xu Shiqi couldn’t envision what that hypothetical future would look like.

Fortunately, some things remained undiscovered; no, thankfully, some feelings only ran shallow.

Xu Shiqi lost herself in thought, and it seemed the person on the other end was still speaking, but the words didn’t reach her ears. After a long while, she was finally roused when she heard her name called a few times.

“Shiqi, actually, I was drunk last night and just started talking when I picked up the phone. I don’t remember what I said. I just… suddenly thought of you. You once said that love is important, but there are things more important than love… you are different from us.”

Hearing the dejection and pain in Zhang Ya’s voice, yet it didn’t seem to be because of her, Xu Shiqi asked, “What’s wrong?”

“I’ve come out to my family; I’ve already… lost those things.”

Xu Shiqi froze, her heart sinking.

“I don’t know if your persistence is correct. What good is our kind of love if it exists? How long can it last? If it fails, we’ll truly have nothing left.”

“Take care of yourself.” Xu Shiqi said softly.

“Yeah, your voice really is a good medicine,” Zhang Ya replied.

“Take care.” Xu Shiqi added again.

On the other end, she could faintly hear the sound of weeping, “I’m sorry… for bothering you last night.”

After the call ended, Xu Shiqi sat in a daze for a long time. She felt the world was too cold, devoid of warmth. She had never thought of trying something she hadn’t, yet someone had recklessly done so, leaving only drunkenness and tears. She grew increasingly afraid, tightly hugging herself, unable to imagine a day when she would be like that. She didn’t dare to let go, didn’t dare to speak, just wanted to curl up tightly and hide in a box where no one could see her. She wasn’t the solitary and arrogant figure in a spotlight on stage; she was merely one in a million lost in the darkness of the stage.