Life really isn’t that long, especially this life where I can’t be with Cheng Zhou.

Now in my middle age, my body is still relatively healthy.

But I find it easier to reflect on the past.

Most of the time, I pull out the recent information I’ve gathered about Cheng Zhou and stay in the room where he once waited for me to return, repeatedly thinking about his hopeful yet repeatedly disappointed feelings at that time.

Then I spend more time thinking about why I lost him in my life.

I remember when I was young, family and various people I met would say, “This child is really mature; you can tell they’re steady and capable of great things.”

With such praise, I once thought of myself as someone who was calm and not easily excited or disturbed, which made me look at others with a condescending attitude. Little did I know, that behavior might be the most immature of all.

Stuck in a blind spot of self-awareness, I stubbornly decided on my future path and even on the people I “should like.”

My feelings for Cheng Yuze were just preconceived notions from my youth. Looking back, what I was holding onto was merely that “steady and composed” version of myself.

Ironically, because of this attitude, I missed out on the person I loved the most.

My first impression of Cheng Zhou was a long time ago; he seemed like a clean, sunny boy who looked like he could disappear at any moment under the sun. So, I couldn’t help but approach him with an arrogant and cold tone, not expecting to run into him so many times later.

Later, love letters and lunches suddenly appeared on my classroom desk, and after a few times, I guessed that he was the one sending them.

It’s a bit funny; at that time, I felt a little thrill seeing those things, but this fleeting yet real emotion quickly turned into indifference under my arrogance and self-deception.

I heard that the talisman he got from running around before the college entrance exam was casually tossed somewhere, and even though I searched high and low for it over the years, I never found it.

You see, how foolish I was to let him go to a point where I couldn’t get him back.

I spent too much time missing him but didn’t dare to see him again.

I remember how he would text me every day for years, asking if I wanted to go home, then sitting on this windowsill, his head against the glass, watching the bustling traffic and flashing neon lights all night.

I recall the careful look in his eyes whenever he glanced at me. No matter what happened, and no matter how much of a jerk I had been, the light in his eyes never faded.

I remember his birthday clearly each time, yet I was absent every single time. Looking back, it seems like nothing but a laughable act of self-deception, where I couldn’t even admit how much I cared.

I also remember every time it was my birthday or another big holiday; he was always excited and even managed to pull me out to shop for things with him a few times.

Back then, he must have always believed that we could spend our lives like this.

…

In the end, I always think of how he often asked me if I had started to like him a little.

How did I respond?

Well.

I didn’t answer; I just glanced at him casually, and that topic passed.

I didn’t take it to heart before, but Cheng Zhou treated every day and every holiday we spent together seriously. Now that I care, I realize how lonely it is to sit alone at a table full of food when the person I love doesn’t care.

Now, I hold onto the things he left behind. Besides not daring to see him, I keep daydreaming and deceiving myself.

If time could go back a little, I would stop him from leaving.

If I could go back a little further, I would want to hold him, take him to the hospital myself, and stay with him after that car accident, feeling heartbroken and wanting to take care of him properly.

If I could go back a little more further, I would want to celebrate our birthdays together, and enjoy the Lantern Festival, Dragon Boat Festival, Mid-Autumn Festival, Christmas… then on New Year’s Eve, hold him while watching the fireworks outside.

Every time I think about how my indifference once hurt him, I wish I could carve out my own heart to see what color it is.

Crash—

The rain started falling chaotically and quickly, tapping loudly against the glass in front of me.

It’s raining.

I kept my eyes open and finally started to feel a bit tired. The raindrops grew from small to large, and the sound changed from crisp to chaotic. I opened the window to let the cold wind in and sat on the sofa, lost in my thoughts of him, and unknowingly fell asleep.

Suddenly, a loud thunderclap sounded, booming in my ears. I jolted awake, looking around in confusion, only to find myself sitting in the back of a car. It was still raining outside, with the wind howling. A flash of lightning lit up the sky, and the heavy rain pounded against the semi-transparent car window, making a crisp sound.

In this season, even when it rains, it doesn’t cool down quickly; instead, it feels very humid. The air is filled with a lingering dust smell that makes me feel inexplicably annoyed. Thankfully, the car has air conditioning, which makes it a bit more bearable.

Before I could shake off my thoughts, I heard someone calling me from beside me: “Brother Nie—”

I rubbed my forehead and looked toward the voice, only to see a younger Cheng Yuze sitting next to me. The moment I recognized him, I felt a wave of disgust and raised my hand, wanting to tell the driver to stop the car and throw him out into the rain.

It seems the lesson I gave him back then wasn’t enough; he’s still living so well.

But in an instant, I realized and suddenly felt overwhelming joy. I couldn’t help but grab Cheng Yuze by the collar and shout, “What day is it today?!”

He looked at me wide-eyed, clearly startled by my reaction, and hesitantly said, “You… what’s wrong? Didn’t you just say you didn’t do poorly on the last exam?”

His expression made me feel nauseous, but since I got the answer I wanted, I could only yell “Stop the car!” at the driver in front of me.

I’m back…

I really am back.

As soon as the driver stopped the car, I opened the door and rushed out. Inside the car, the air conditioning was on, making it feel like a different world. The moment I opened the door, the hot, stuffy air outside hit me, giving me a dizzying sense of unreality. Yet the icy rain hitting my face felt very real.

Not far away, students and parents gathered together after the exam, some happy and some sad, all experiencing different paths in life.

The private car I was in had already driven a distance away, about two bus stops from the school where the exam took place. The road isn’t short, but with the crowds, the car couldn’t turn around or back up.

I didn’t know how to describe this urgent feeling; the sound of my heart pounding was louder than the thunder. I ran back against the crowd, stumbling through the pouring rain.

“Make way! Please let me through!”

I urgently pushed past everyone in my way, fearing I might just miss my youth by a hair.

The moment I turned the corner of the school’s outer wall, it felt like time stopped for me.

In my hazy memory, I saw the boy with a bright smile standing under a tree not far away. A middle-aged woman hurried over, holding two umbrellas, and said something to him. He forced a smile and exchanged a few words with her before she left.

But he didn’t open the umbrella he was holding.

Soaking wet in the rain, water flowed down his face, but there was no hint of emotion in his eyes.

“Cheng Zhou.”

I called his name.

He looked up in surprise. The pure panic and confusion in his eyes made me want to give him everything good in the world.

I took a deep breath and used all my strength to hold on to this moment.

I said, “Were you waiting for me?”

He looked down, awkwardly tightening his grip on the umbrella and asked, “How did you do on the exam?”

I stepped closer, took his umbrella, opened it to cover both our heads, and held him tightly with my other hand.

“Yeah, it was okay.”

Found again.

It’s okay.

It’s not too late.

“Cheng Zhou.”

“Uh… huh?!”

He was still confused. How cold had I been to him, that my presence felt so unreal to him?

I couldn’t stop my trembling arms. One hand held him tightly against me, and I leaned my chin against his ear, gently touching the tip of his ear: “I’m sorry.”

“Huh? What?”

I let out a light laugh and gently stroked his hair, pressing his head into my chest to shield him from seeing my slightly damp eyes. “It’s nothing.”

——-

Fortunately, time can turn back.

I want to hold him above everything else, right at the core of my heart.