Chapter 35

With each autumn rain, the temperature dropped noticeably. After last night’s rain, Li Mu felt that she was underdressed. She put down the pigeon loft’s scroll, returned to her bedroom, and added another layer, thinking that when Lin Que returned, she would ask him to find out what was going on with Gu Chi.

When Lin Que returns…

When he returns, will they have to talk about what happened last night?

Li Mu’s ears began to burn.

Over the past few months in the summer palace, she and Lin Que had developed a tacit understanding. As long as she remained silent, Lin Que would keep his distance and not push further. But last night in the carriage, she called out Lin Que’s name.

Li Mu had no other intention, just wanting to call him. She couldn’t say whether she understood what would happen after breaking the tacit understanding.

After calling him, she was kissed. In that instant, Li Mu felt her hair stand on end. The unfamiliar experience was thrilling, and Lin Que seemed inexperienced, too. His touch was noticeably awkward at first, but he gradually found his rhythm, making her feel very comfortable…

What was she even replaying in her mind?

Li Mu, feeling hopeless, laid her head on the table and banged her fists on the surface.

When Lin Que returned, he saw Li Mu with her head down. He didn’t let anyone else into the room to serve them; instead, he changed his clothes and walked over to sit by the table. “What did I say?”

Li Mu replied in a muffled voice, “I have feelings for you.”

Lin Que paused slightly, a smile appearing on his face. “I know.”

He poured a cup of warm water for both of them. The gentle sound of the water filled the silence for a few seconds. When he moved the cup, the barely audible clink of the cup touching the table broke the silence. He continued, “I also know that you’re terrified.”

It wasn’t the fear of the usual hand-holding and ear-pinching from the early days of their marriage but the fear of the intertwined fingers and the intimate, desire-filled touches and gazes in the carriage.

When Lin Que first felt desire for Li Mu, he wasn’t used to it himself. He deliberately avoided touching her until he wanted to get used to it, only to find Li Mu dodging and afraid.

It wasn’t discomfort; it was fear. It was the same fear as on their wedding night when they were still strangers, and he held her hand for the first time. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have endured for so long and so thoroughly. Wudu only said not to have intercourse, not that they couldn’t do anything else. But he didn’t even dare to do anything else that might bring comfort because Li Mu was too scared, and he didn’t want to frighten her.

His bad mood over the past few months wasn’t just due to the frequent rains of the rainy season. It was also because he didn’t like Li Mu being afraid of him and felt anxious about her fear, not just because of unfulfilled desires, as Wudu had judged. Before their marriage, he didn’t care whether Li Mu liked the things he gave her. Now, her fear and rejection had silently tormented him for months.

“Can you tell me what you’re afraid of?” Lin Que finally asked.

Li Mu lifted her head from the table and sat up straight. “I…”

She lowered her head, trying to organize her thoughts. More than once, she wanted to ask Lin Que to get her a drink.

The taste of alcohol was genuinely good. One cup made her feel light and buoyant, her emotions excited and high. She dared to say anything and feared nothing. But she swallowed her words. She wanted to clearly express what she was afraid of.

“I really like being close to you,” she said.

As a healthy adult, Lin Que had desires, and so did she. They liked each other, so how could they not have any thoughts?

But…

“But I don’t want to bear the consequences that intimacy might bring. I don’t want to get pregnant, and I don’t want to have children.” Li Mu’s throat tightened, and each subsequent sentence was difficult to utter because the real reason was hard for her to admit: “I’m scared, and I don’t know how to ask you if it’s true that you lost the ability to have children because of the poisoning.”

“Lin Que, what I hope for is that you were really harmed.” Finally expressing her thoughts, Li Mu didn’t feel relieved. Instead, she was harshly beaten by the high moral standards that social anxiety often brings.

In contrast, Lin Que’s mood brightened immediately. He reached out to Li Mu, and after she took his hand, he pulled her onto his lap.

Lin Que told Li Mu, “It wasn’t a harm; it was my own choice.”

“It’s my fault for not explaining it to you earlier,” Lin Que said, unusually regretful. “When Doctor Qi saved me, he made it clear that it was a miracle I survived. Being able to leave the bed like I do now was something I didn’t even dare to hope for back then. Doctor Qi asked me if I wanted to end it quickly or continue living in a weakened state.”

“I chose to live, and I had already let go of everything else.”

“Except for the late emperor, no one should feel guilty for me. Besides, I used it to my advantage, gaining the late emperor’s trust. So, I really don’t mind this matter.”

“On the contrary, I’m very happy that my past choice can alleviate your fears. This way, I don’t have to worry about you wanting a biological child that I can’t give you.”

Li Mu listened slowly as Lin Que finished speaking. “So, you’re saying…”

Lin Que, in a good mood, told her, “I really can’t make you pregnant.”

Lin Que’s attitude was very different from that of ordinary men. Its subtle strangeness would make anyone else think he was truly crazy. However, only Li Mu was there, and she felt that being with someone like Lin Que was truly wonderful.

Confirming the answer, Li Mu nodded blankly. “Oh.”

Lin Que: “But we can still consummate our marriage.”

Li Mu: “Huh?”

“It just has to wait a bit longer.” Lin Que’s tone took on a slight chill. “Wudu has repeatedly told me that we can’t have intercourse at least this year.”

“I see.” Li Mu licked her lips. “Then…”

Lin Que hugged her tightly. “Do you want another kiss?”

Li Mu’s voice softened. “…Yes.”

Li Mu’s honesty made Lin Que’s emotions soar. He kissed Li Mu, using the experience from the previous night to part her lips.

Li Mu was a bit at a loss.

Tongue… should she lick back? How did she do it last night? It seemed like…

Li Mu used her learning talent – however Lin Que kissed her, she kissed back the same way. Sometimes it was gentle and lingering, other times it was a struggle for dominance. Her hands unknowingly rested on Lin Que’s shoulders. They were so engrossed in their entanglement that Li Mu almost didn’t hear the voice outside asking if they wanted to have a meal.

Li Mu’s emotions had been too tense before, and suddenly relaxing made her extremely hungry. She got off Lin Que’s lap to go eat, but Lin Que pulled her back. “Wash your face first.”

Before she could react, she felt too embarrassed to eat.

Li Mu didn’t understand why, but she found Lin Que’s slightly hoarse voice incredibly sexy and pleasant, making her feel a bit euphoric.

It wasn’t until she passed by the dressing table and saw her flushed cheeks and the springtime look in her eyes that she mentally shouted, “Oh my god!” She quickly went to the washbasin, splashed cold water on her face, and fanned herself to cool down.

Li Mu calmed herself at the washbasin, while Lin Que calmed himself at the table. He held his forehead, waiting for the fire in his heart to die down slowly. After a while, he got up and pulled Li Mu to go eat outside.

After the meal, they digested a bit, and Lin Que complained about getting up too early. Then, he pulled Li Mu to take a nap with him.

With the door closed and the bed curtains drawn, Li Mu, unable to sleep, brought up Gu Chi. “What’s going on between him and my second sister?”

Lin Que hadn’t heard of Gu Chi staying at Mingyue Nunnery before, thinking it might have been the first time last night, or perhaps nothing happened and he just couldn’t return due to some other issue. He told Li Mu that he would ask Gu Chi about it later.

It turned out that Gu Chi had indeed spent a wild night with Li Zhi on Mid-Autumn Festival night. But when Gu Chi proposes to Li Zhi the next day, she rejects him and drives him away, telling him to forget about the previous night’s confusion and passion.

Looking at the gift list, Li Mu asked, “Why?”

Lin Que said, “Your second sister is kind-hearted and probably doesn’t want to ruin Gu Chi’s reputation. But in our family, reputation isn’t much of a concern. People already say Gu Chi is my lackey. Marrying a wife from a nunnery won’t make much difference. What’s most important is living comfortably.”

Li Mu asked, “So what about them?”

Lin Que replied, “Let them be. Gu Chi is stubborn, and your second sister isn’t indifferent to him. One doesn’t know how to express himself, and the other can’t overcome the hurdle in her heart. Let them take their time. Our family will support them, and I’ll send more people to Mingyue Nunnery to ensure no one discovers their affair.”

Li Mu nodded. “That’s all we can do.”

Lin Que asked, “What are you looking at?”

Li Mu replied, “The gift list. My elder brother’s child has a first birthday banquet next month. I’ll visit the old lady a day earlier but won’t attend the banquet the next day. Still, I need to send something.”

The gift list was prepared by Steward Wu. Li Mu glanced through it and decided to crochet a tiger-head hat for the child.

For this, Li Mu even drew the design herself and reduced her visits to the stables to see Sesame Paste. Finally, two days before the birthday banquet, she finished the tiger-head hat.

During this time, Lin Que noticed that Li Mu’s crochet hook was a hairpin used by the Jinyiwei to pick locks, likely taken from Feixing. He asked Li Mu about it, drew a design based on her description, and confirmed eight different sizes with her. Then, he had someone make one of each size to see. The finished products went through three batches, with the material changing from silver gilt to copper gilt and iron gilt, which were more durable and easier for Li Mu to use for making hats.

However, Li Mu returned from her family in a bad mood. When Lin Que asked, he learned that the old lady and Madam Qian had specially invited a doctor to their home to see if Li Mu’s lack of pregnancy was due to health issues and if she needed any medicine. Even though the Li family still saw her as a quiet person who did strange exercises daily—referring to her warm-up exercises—they couldn’t escape the fate of being urged to have children.

Li Mu took it in stride, knowing that as ancient people, the old lady and Madam Qian’s thoughts were limited by their times and were essentially for her good. Since she didn’t visit often, she let it go in one ear and out the other, not taking it to heart.

Unexpectedly, the Li family sent more things a few days later, ostensibly as usual exchanges between relatives. In reality, the nanny delivering the gifts secretly gave Nanny Zhao a few prescriptions, all related to pregnancy. They also said that Li Zhi’s marriage had already left an impact, and before the two girls under Li Mu reached marriageable age, if Li Mu could have one or two children, it might improve the outside world’s view of the Li family’s daughters.

The sudden pressure annoyed Li Mu greatly. Lin Que took the prescriptions, casually lit them with a candle, and stuffed them into the incense burner used for calming incense, messing up the neatly arranged ashes. “What’s there to be annoyed about?”

He touched Li Mu’s lips. “Leave it to me.”

Li Mu: “…?”

The next day, Lin Que entered the palace to request King Yan Heir’s title for Lin Yan’an. At the same time, rumors spread in the capital that King Yan was ill and couldn’t have biological children.