#72

Even if he was going to leave, I didn’t want him to go out into the cold like this. That thought made me speak, but Lee Daon’s face twisted in anger like a raging beast.

Did he not even want to take a coat from me anymore? But walking around in this freezing weather with just a sweatshirt on wasn’t a good idea……

“Are you stupid? Didn’t you hear what I just said?”

“……I heard you.”

I heard it all—so clearly that it hurt.

My calm response only made Lee Daon’s already scrunched-up face contort even more.

“You heard everything, and you’re still telling me to wear a coat so I don’t catch a cold? Are you some kind of pushover? You’re the one who got hurt, so why the hell are you worrying about me?”

His sharp outburst made my shoulders flinch. His ragged breathing, filled with frustration, echoed through the quiet street. As I listened, the emotions I had been trying so hard to suppress began to rise, threatening to choke me.

“……Because there’s nothing else I can do.”

“What?”

“There’s nothing else I can do but worry. So, at the very least, let me do that.”

My voice, tangled with sorrow, resentment, and just a hint of bitterness, came out weak and unsteady. Lee Daon’s eyes widened in surprise, and I met his gaze with a piercing stare.

As if my gaze could cut right through him, Lee Daon slowly lowered his head, unable to hold my eyes any longer.

“I never asked you to do something like that.”

“I know. But what am I supposed to do if I’m worried about you?”

“Don’t. I don’t need it.”

“Who I worry about is my own business. Daon-ssi doesn’t listen to me either, so I don’t see why I should have to listen to you.”

I spoke with a much calmer tone than before, and Lee Daon, in a barely audible voice, asked.

“Aren’t you angry? I…… I said some awful things to you. Aren’t you mad?”

I let out a quiet sigh at his question.

“I am. There’s no way I wouldn’t be angry after hearing something like that.”

“Then why aren’t you showing it? Why?”

His voice carried utter confusion, as if he truly couldn’t comprehend my reaction. I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment before slowly opening them again, meeting his gaze.

Being misunderstood, being accused, and not even being given the chance to explain myself—it was impossible not to be angry. If I were being completely honest, I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to demand why he wouldn’t listen to me, why he wouldn’t trust me. I wanted to resent him for it.

But I didn’t.

It was partly because I understood what he had been through. And partly because I hadn’t forgotten that he was eight years younger than me.

And, most of all……

“If I get angry now, I feel like our relationship will become something that can never be mended again.”

……It was also because I didn’t want my relationship with Lee Daon to become completely twisted. If I couldn’t hold back my anger here, I felt like we would cross a river we could never return from.

Hearing the composed voice I had regained, Lee Daon gasped. His lips parted and closed like a broken machine, and then, as if trying to suppress his tears, he twisted his face in pain. The tears that had momentarily stopped began to pool in his eyes again.

“……Why? Wouldn’t that be better? Getting involved with someone like me is just exhausting.”

Someone like me…… He referred to himself that way. Should I tell him not to? Or should I let it slide? After a brief hesitation, I decided this wasn’t the time to correct him and simply responded with something else.

“I don’t know what you mean. I’ve never once found being with you exhausting, Daon-ssi.”

“Don’t lie. I know. I know how horribly I treat you. The older brothers in the group are all kind to you, but I’m the only one who……”

Trailing off with a darkened expression, Lee Daon lowered his head. He remained silent for a long while before cautiously continuing.

“……I’m the only one who keeps making things hard for you.”

His voice was so weak that it sounded like it might disappear at any moment. He covered his eyes with his palms as if desperately trying to hide the tears that had begun to fall again. But, unfortunately, that was impossible.

His tears slipped through the gaps between his fingers, rolling down his cheeks, down, and further down. Watching the growing circle of wet marks on the ground, I slowly lifted my gaze.

“It wasn’t hard for me.”

“Don’t lie. That’s impossible.”

“It’s not a lie. It really wasn’t hard. I was just…… curious. Curious about why Daon-ssi was acting that way. So please, don’t keep blaming yourself alone.”

Hoping that my sincerity would reach him this time, I spoke softly. At that, a loud sob tore from Lee Daon’s lips, followed by a raw, desperate shout.

“Stop it!!”

Lee Daon tore his hands away from his face and shouted at the top of his lungs, loud enough to shake the entire neighborhood. Thankfully, this area was filled with expensive country homes, with plenty of space between them. Otherwise, someone would have surely heard his voice and come outside to check.

“Don’t be kind to me! Stop acting like you’ll accept everything! Just get angry instead! Tell me you hate me! Hit me if you don’t like something! That would be so much easier to deal with!!”

I had no idea what had set him off this time, but I had been prepared to listen, at least. That was, until my breath caught in my throat.

What did I just hear? Did he really say that being hit would be easier to handle than being treated with kindness? From a boy who was only 22? The realization hit me like a hard slap across the back of my head.

While I was still reeling from the shock, Lee Daon kept speaking, his breathing ragged and uneven.

“Because of you, I keep getting my hopes up!! I keep thinking—maybe this person is different. Maybe this time, I can believe in someone! But I don’t want that! What if I end up being betrayed again……?! Do you have any idea…… how much that hurts…… how terrifying it is……?”

“…….”

“I’m really scared. Giving someone my heart, only to be abandoned. Trusting someone, only to be betrayed. All of it…… So please, don’t do this. Don’t be kind to me. Just hate me instead. I’m begging you……”

Lee Daon sobbed as if his world were crumbling around him. He clung to me, desperation and misery dripping from every word.

As I watched Lee Daon, unable to hold back his overflowing tears, I suddenly realized—

He was scared. That was it.

That was why he did this. That was why he sharpened his words like blades, why he deliberately sought out reasons to be hated. It was all because he was afraid. Afraid of giving his heart to someone. Afraid that it was safer to expect nothing and be despised rather than to hope and be let down. So that’s why……

My heart ached at the truth I had only now come to understand.

He was begging me to hate him, pleading for it with tear-filled eyes. But I couldn’t do that. I wouldn’t.

The thought of embracing him, of soothing him and reassuring him, settled in my mind. And the moment it did, I didn’t hold back.

I reached out and wrapped my hand around the back of his neck, pulling him toward me. The coat that had been barely hanging onto his shoulders slipped to the ground, but I paid it no mind. His body was burning hot from all the crying, and I could feel that heat through my palm. Soon, his damp face pressed against my suit jacket.

Lee Daon didn’t resist. If anything, he leaned in, his cheek rubbing against my shoulder as he struggled to suppress his sobs.

I placed a gentle hand on his trembling back, soothing him with slow, reassuring pats.

“……No.”

“……”

“I refuse. I won’t stop being kind to you. I will keep acting in a way that makes you want to trust me. I will never betray that trust. No matter how much you insist, I won’t stop. So please, don’t say such heartbreaking things, asking me to hate you.”

As I spoke, I tightened my arms around him. In response, Lee Daon’s cries grew louder.

What kind of life had he lived to make him believe that being hated was easier than being loved? Just how much had he suffered, how cornered had he been, to think that way……?

The method Lee Daon had chosen to protect himself was, in reality, a reckless one that only left him covered in wounds. But I couldn’t bring myself to call it foolish. How could I? I couldn’t even begin to imagine the sorrow he must have endured, the pain he had suffered while holding onto such a mindset.

He knew it was a destructive way to cope, and yet, he had no other choice. How could I possibly understand the feelings of someone forced to make that decision?

I clenched my lips tightly to suppress the sigh threatening to escape, my face twisting unconsciously. Then, gently, I pressed my cheek against the top of Lee Daon’s head, where his face was still buried in my shoulder. His hair, rough from frequent dyeing, brushed against my skin, and through it, I could feel the warmth of his feverish body.

We held each other for a long, long time.

Until the seemingly endless sobbing finally came to a halt. Until the warmth, which had felt almost feverish even in the dead of winter, gradually cooled.