Chapter 31

At four in the morning, Qin Qingzhuo sat up in bed, groped for the bedside lamp, and rubbed his temples.

Throughout the night, he hadn’t slept well, as if his mind was playing a poorly edited, disjointed movie, looping scenes about Jiang Ji—

Jiang Ji, full of hostility, walking into the second floor on his birthday; Jiang Ji, with blood dripping from his forehead after being hit by the guitar, giving him a indifferent glance; Jiang Ji, swinging the broken stool with all his might at the man; Jiang Ji, provoked by Ma San without considering the consequences…

Clearly, his interactions with Jiang Ji had only spanned a little over a month, and the number of times they met was few, so why was his emotions stirred up so much by this young man… Was it because matters of life and death were too significant?

What state was Jiang Ji in now? Suddenly losing a blood relative, regardless of their relationship before, must have made it difficult for him to pass this time calmly…

Unable to sleep, Qin Qingzhuo got out of bed and sat in front of the computer, opening his email. The other bands in the league had already sent demos, asking Qin Qingzhuo for feedback, but there was no word from Asperatus.

Leaning back in his chair, Qin Qingzhuo opened one of the demos sent by another band. The mediocre melody made it hard for him to focus on the music. In the previous few matches, many bands had already exhausted their few original songs, showing signs of insufficient reserves.

What song would Asperatus sing next? Suddenly encountering his father’s suicide, would Jiang Ji even have the mood to rehearse?

It would be a shame if this incident affected the competition, after all, this program was a good platform for new bands, and with the current momentum of Asperatus, they could have gone further…

Watching the sky outside gradually change from dark to a faint gray, the surrounding streetlights went out, and the sky became bright. Qin Qingzhuo stood up from his seat and began to pace slowly in the room.

It was dawn. Should he go to the Honglu Bar to check on Jiang Ji? But with Jiang Ji’s habit of bearing everything on his own, perhaps he didn’t want an outsider interfering in his family affairs.

Human interactions require a sense of propriety; being overly intrusive can appear abrupt. Qin Qingzhuo has always valued this sense of propriety.

He asked himself, if he were the one suddenly facing a tragedy right now, he wouldn’t want someone with whom he only had a thin connection to attempt to get involved in his life. Even showing concern would seem unnecessary and annoying.

Qin Qingzhuo continued to pace for a while, gently shaking his head, dispelling the thought.

Throughout the morning, he stayed in front of the computer with extremely low work efficiency. A demo played repeatedly in his ears, and his fingers hovered over the keyboard, attempting to provide feedback on the arrangement, but not a single word could be typed—those melodies simply wouldn’t enter his mind.

This absent-minded state persisted until two-thirty in the afternoon, and he decided it was time to check on Jiang Ji.

Not looking at least once made him feel uneasy. Moreover, the guitar, which was important to Jiang Ji, had to be returned to him as soon as possible.

The sky was gloomy, the sun blocked by thick clouds, and not a trace of light could penetrate.

The afternoon on Honglu Slope seemed quieter than usual, as if, after the autumn rain that night, the sound of cicadas suddenly disappeared.

At the entrance of the bar, Zhong Yang listened to the message on his phone saying, “The number you dialed is powered off” and muttered, “Damn it, where did he go… Jiang Ji is really unreliable. Could he be secretly taking commercial performances without telling us, just because he can’t come up with new songs?” He turned to look at Peng Keshi, “Sister Shi, do you think he might have done that behind our backs?”

“When has he done that before?” Peng Keshi frowned slightly. “Don’t talk nonsense.”

Zhong Yang wanted to say something more when he saw a car driving into the alley from afar. His eyes lit up, “F*ck, a Maybach!”

The black Maybach stopped in front of the two, and Qin Qingzhuo stepped out of the car.

Peng Keshi exclaimed, “Brother Qingzhuo,” while Zhong Yang circled the car, examining the body, “Brother Qingzhuo, it’s you. I was wondering why a luxury car suddenly came to such a broken place. Your car is really beautiful.”

However, Qin Qingzhuo was not in the mood for small talk. He looked at the closed door of the bar and asked, “Where’s Jiang Ji?”

“Who knows.” Zhong Yang shrugged. “By the way, Brother Qingzhuo, you must take care of Jiang Ji. When I came to ask him about the next game last night, he ignored me completely. Today, he even played hide and seek. We are such hot favorites to win; shouldn’t we prepare well for the upcoming competition? He actually has such a perfunctory attitude…”

He thought Qin Qingzhuo would joke with him as before, but he didn’t expect Qin Qingzhuo’s face to be so solemn, showing no sign of joking. “Zhong Yang, Ke Shi, you guys go back first. I’ll talk to Jiang Ji about the competition.”

“Brother Qingzhuo,” Peng Keshi sensed something was wrong, “Has something happened?”

Qin Qingzhuo just gave a simple “Hmm” and didn’t elaborate. “Wait for Jiang Ji to tell you himself.”

After saying this, he quickly bid farewell to the two, opened the car door, and got in.

Watching the Maybach leaving the alley, Zhong Yang once again murmured, “What’s going on? I was just joking. Why is he so serious… Sister Shi, what do you think happened?”

Peng Keshi shook her head, a worried expression on her face.

What does a person leave behind after their death?

Jiang Ji sat in the waiting room, his bent elbow pressing on his leg, staring absentmindedly at a certain spot on the floor.

From the adjacent cremator, there emanated a pungent smell of burning plastic.

That sealed photograph should be burning, Jiang Ji thought.

Before pushing Jiang Keyuan into the cremator with his own hands, he placed the sealed family photo on the stiff body.

Originally, Jiang Keyuan’s memories had faded to the point of being barely recognizable, but in this nearly hour-long burning process, the scenes from ten years ago bubbled up like bubbles in boiling water, one after another.

“Ji is a description of a towering mountain. Dad hopes Jiang Ji will grow up to be a man like a mountain.”

“What does it mean to be a man like a mountain?”

“Towering and unyielding, never bending to worldly pressures.”

“Like you?”

“Yes, like me.”

Jiang Ji still remembered the hearty laughter of Jiang Keyuan when he said this. At that time, he truly felt that his father was like a mountain, a dependable support for himself and his mother no matter what happened.

But ironically, it was this mountain-like Jiang Keyuan who suddenly collapsed one day, disappeared, leaving behind a pile of worldly mess that seemed impossible for him to escape. They dragged him down heavily like mud, reminding him in every step he took forward that he could never be a man like a mountain.

It’s ironic. Jiang Ji closed his eyes for a long time.

He remembered a month ago when Jiang Keyuan appeared in front of him.

At that time, he was searching everywhere for Jiang Bei when Jiang Keyuan suddenly appeared from the corner, standing there and looking at him steadily.

At first, he didn’t recognize Jiang Keyuan—this man with a timid demeanor in front of him was completely different from the tall and straight Jiang Keyuan in his memory. In the moment he recognized him, the hatred that had accumulated in his chest erupted fiercely, so when Jiang Keyuan called out the name “Jiang Ji,” he raised his fist and viciously struck him.

Jiang Keyuan didn’t fight back. The man in his late twenties just bowed his body and silently endured the fierce punches.

“Get lost. Don’t appear in front of me again. Every time I see you, I will beat you. Do you hear me?” When leaving, Jiang Ji stared at him fiercely.

Jiang Keyuan stood still and didn’t speak.

But after that, Jiang Ji would occasionally feel someone following him every few days. Debt collectors wouldn’t be so sneaky; he knew it was Jiang Keyuan. He ignored Jiang Keyuan.

And just a few days ago, when Jiang Keyuan appeared again, he suddenly felt extremely irritated.

Just as his muddy life was finally showing signs of improvement, why did Jiang Keyuan have to appear at this moment, reminding him that he could never escape from it all?

So he couldn’t help but beat Jiang Keyuan again.

Why did Jiang Keyuan suddenly appear?

And why did he choose to appear on his birthday?

Why did he commit suicide?

Was it because of me?

Was it because I beat him? Or because I told him to get lost?

Did I extinguish the last bit of hope he had?

If what I did was wrong, what should I do… forgive him?

Jiang Ji clenched his ten fingers tightly together, closed his eyes in pain, and the clenched fist pressed against his lowered forehead.

After waiting for nearly two hours, from a distance, Qin Qingzhuo finally saw Jiang Ji walking out of the funeral home.

Whether it was because the wind suddenly picked up or because the suburbs were windy in general, as soon as he got out of the car, the wind immediately lifted the hem of his windbreaker.

The tall and slender teenager was dressed in black—black T-shirt, black pants—with both hands in his pockets, he walked forward with his head slightly lowered.

Approaching, Jiang Ji did not see Qin Qingzhuo and continued walking forward on his own.

“Jiang Ji.” Qin Qingzhuo called out to him.

Jiang Ji’s footsteps stopped only then, and he looked up.

The young man’s face was pale, not a trace of color even on his lips. The contrast between the thick black eyebrows and the pale face was stark. Behind the forced calmness, there was confusion and bewilderment.

“Why are you dressed so lightly?” Such an expressionless face made Qin Qingzhuo’s heart feel like it had been suddenly squeezed.

Qin Qingzhuo knew that Jiang Ji probably didn’t want to talk about his father’s affairs at the moment. He just walked over, grabbed Jiang Ji’s arm, and said, “Let’s get in the car first.”

But Jiang Ji just shook off his hand without any tone, “No, I want to walk by myself.”

Watching Jiang Ji turn around and walk towards another direction, Qin Qingzhuo hesitated for a moment, then followed. Jiang Ji’s state was obviously not right, and Qin Qingzhuo was worried that he might get into trouble alone.

Sensing that Qin Qingzhuo was still following him, Jiang Ji’s footsteps stopped again. Without turning around, he said coldly, “Don’t come near me.” This time, his tone became more rigid.

Standing a few steps away from Jiang Ji, Qin Qingzhuo also stopped.

“Don’t come near me,” Jiang Ji repeated, the adam’s apple rolling, “to avoid getting tainted with bad luck.”

The sky didn’t know when it had darkened. Qin Qingzhuo walked towards him, under the dim light, his eyes looked very gentle, “Jiang Ji, I’m not superstitious. I don’t believe in bad luck. If you’re worried about that, there’s really no need.”

“Also, don’t blame yourself,” Qin Qingzhuo looked at him and said, “I don’t know why your dad committed suicide, but I can be sure it’s not your fault.”

Jiang Ji stared at him for a long time, suddenly a twitch at the corner of his mouth, pulling out a barely audible sneer, “It’s not my fault? How would you know?”

Seeing Jiang Ji silent, he continued:

“Although I don’t know much about what happened between you two, but when I first saw him, I knew that what he did could never be forgiven. The guilt in his eyes was unspeakable, as if he himself knew that this guilt could never be made up for.

“You’ve shouldered a burden that shouldn’t have been yours in the first place, so no one has more reason to hate him or hit him than you. You haven’t done anything wrong; this is a choice he made himself.”

Jiang Ji didn’t speak, and for a long time, he didn’t move.

Qin Qingzhuo took off his own windbreaker and walked closer to Jiang Ji, about to raise his hand to put it on him, but Jiang Ji suddenly raised his arm and hugged him.

Then, Jiang Ji’s head also lowered, his forehead resting on Qin Qingzhuo’s shoulder.

Qin Qingzhuo heard him say “why”, the voice extremely low, as if suppressing too many emotions.

He didn’t know what Jiang Ji wanted to ask exactly, but he didn’t ask anything, just raised his hand and gently patted Jiang Ji’s back.

He noticed that his shoulder gradually became wet, at first just a little, but then gradually spreading, the young man who never wanted to show his emotions to the outside world was crying.

Qin Qingzhuo sighed softly in his heart, closed his eyes for a long time.

Jiang Ji didn’t know why he was crying. Since he saw Jiang Keyuan again, he had been full of disgust, anger, and resentment towards this stranger, and more than once had the malicious thought of “why doesn’t this person just die” crossed his mind.

However, at the moment when he pushed Jiang Keyuan into the crematorium, those feelings of hatred seemed to have turned into ashes along with Jiang Keyuan’s flesh and blood.

When he walked out holding Jiang Keyuan’s urn, he suddenly wasn’t angry anymore, nor was he resentful. He just… felt wronged, and lost.

He felt at a loss, didn’t know what to do at this point.

Before leaving, his mother left a sentence, she said, “Jiang Ji, if hatred can make you feel a little easier, then hate it. Don’t shoulder everything yourself. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s Jiang Keyuan’s fault.”

In the past, he lived by his hatred, could recklessly find an outlet for his hatred, but now, this outlet suddenly committed suicide, died. His heavy hatred had nowhere to land, weighed heavily on his heart like a thousand-pound weight.

He didn’t understand why fate was always so cruel to him, not even leaving him a place to vent his hatred.

“Why did he owe so much debt, even indirectly causing my mother’s death? When he was alive, more than once I wished the one who should die was him, but now that he’s really dead, why do I feel sad?”

The teenager’s voice was filled with tears, making Qin Qingzhuo’s heart ache as if it was being squeezed. He tried to make his voice sound calm, “Because he’s your family, because you once had warm moments together, and also because… you’re too kind.

“Jiang Ji, what’s done is done. All you can do is let it pass quietly. Move forward, don’t let this matter hold you back.

“Find something to do for yourself, keep yourself as busy as possible.” Qin Qingzhuo said softly, “When it’s noisy outside, your heart will be quiet.”