Her Family (5)

Then, one day…

A strange rumor reached his ears. The rumor claimed that the Emperor was mistreating his daughter. When he first heard this rumor, Fabius felt an inexplicable surge of emotion.

Of course, the Emperor already had a designated wife, so he had guessed that he would treat his daughter without much affection. He certainly disliked Kilianerisa, but he couldn’t help but feel angered by the fact that she was being ignored by someone other than himself.

Not only that, thinking of Viscount Seitra laughing at him after hearing about this rumor, he thought that he couldn’t simply let it slide.

He immediately went to the Emperor and made a request. In the first place, wasn’t it a loveless marriage? He didn’t expect the Emperor to treat his daughter well. However, his only wish was that, at the very least, he should maintain some semblance of respect.

The Emperor did not find such a request difficult either. Following his request, the rumors that had been circulating in the palace disappeared. Fabius was satisfied with this. He knew he couldn’t keep looking after his daughter indefinitely, and he had no desire to get involved in her affairs any more than necessary.

So, several more years passed by. One day, at a time when he had almost stopped thinking about Kilianerisa, he heard an unbelievable piece of news. It was said that she had attempted to poison the Queen, and in the process, the Emperor’s unborn child had died.

Upon hearing this news, Fabius unconsciously gripped the back of his neck.

What did she have against him? Surely, he was still his daughter, and he even made her the highest-ranking lady in the empire, even though she was just his daughter. Yet, she seemed ungrateful. An unpleasant feeling surged through him, as if someone was recklessly stirring up his insides.

But feelings were one thing, and reality was reality.

Whether she was sane or insane, it didn’t matter at this point. What mattered was that he needed to meet the Emperor immediately. If things continued as they were, the damage would extend beyond just her, but also to himself, the honor and power he built, and even his children.

‘I can’t allow that.’

He urgently sought an audience with the Emperor and apologized for Kilianerisa’s insane actions. An apology alone wouldn’t suffice, but for now, the most important thing was to assert his innocence.

Some of his already fallen honor was irreparable. His priority was to survive first. He was desperate. However, unlike him, the Emperor simply listened to his story without displaying any particular emotions.

Fabius couldn’t understand what kind of scheme this was, and it made him uneasy. However, he was finally able to relax when words came out of the Emperor that the House of Hameln would be absolved of any wrongdoing. Whatever other circumstances there might be, he didn’t care.

He had survived, and his children had also lived.

Although Kilianerisa would likely die, from the moment she orchestrated such an act, she had already faced her own death. He felt a slight unease, but the life of a daughter he had no particular memories of seemed insignificant in the face of the looming fear that everyone might have been executed.

He even thought that disappearing now might be her only act of filial piety.

He felt guilty about the fact that her impending execution occurred around the same age as when his wife had passed away, but it was mostly a feeling of regret for his wife.

Yet, even though he pretended to be unaffected like a normal person, he couldn’t hide his restlessness as the execution ceremony approached.

Then, something unexpected happened.

His young son, Severus, caused a commotion, crying out for Kilianerisa to be saved, and even declared his intention to storm the imperial palace. Fabius didn’t expect it would be this bad, but he really was immature. What kind of situation did he think they were in?

He didn’t even realize that his own life had just been narrowly saved, so who was he going to save?

Despite his concerns that the Emperor might change his mind about absolving the House of Hameln, Severus’ remarks were shocking and unexpected. Thanks to Severus’ outburst, the unidentified emotions he had felt towards Kilianerisa were quietly swept away by different emotions.

He became even angrier than usual and locked Severus in an underground warehouse. This was because it was clear that the boy would certainly attempt to break into the palace to rescue that girl.

But instead of being grateful to Fabius for saving his life, he resented him. The boy had never shown any affection towards him before, and all this must have been Kilianerisa’s influence. Why couldn’t she be of some help to him even in death?

He decided that he should now take a step back from work and put more effort into his son’s education.

And so, a few confusing days passed.

Items from the palace were sent to the house, supposedly her belongings. They were things that he was not curious about or wanted to receive. They were the kind of things that would only make him feel uncomfortable if he kept them.

They were mostly jewelry and dresses that women would wear. Since there were no women left in the household, they were practically useless. Fabius was idly inspecting the items when his gaze was fixated on a familiar necklace.

It seemed vaguely familiar. It was a necklace he had given her as a gift when she became Empress a few years ago. At the time, it had been a high-priced purchase with a popular design, but now it seemed outdated, just an old necklace.

“That’s what she cherished the most.”

Fabius’s breath caught as he held up the necklace to examine it. Perhaps he didn’t notice it, but the maid was crying.

“I heard that it was a gift from her father. So… I thought it would be right to return it to Your Excellency. She would always look at that necklace. She cherished it that much.”

Cherish?

Fabius couldn’t understand.

As the Empress, she should have had a plethora of elaborate necklaces that were incomparably more valuable than this outdated necklace. So why would she cherish such an old necklace?

Why?

A series of questions flooded his mind.

Without knowing the answer, Fabius stared blankly at the necklace. The maid turned in his direction and handed him a letter.

“She asked me to give this to you.”

When Fabius received the letter, he looked bewildered. A letter, he hadn’t expected that. As he held the letter, his heart began to throb strangely.

The maid had left, and the sun began to set, but Fabius still hadn’t read the letter. It wasn’t that he couldn’t read a letter with what might be her final words, but something about it made him feel nervous.

Days passed, and the letter remained untouched. However, Fabius’s curiosity continued to grow. Well, at best, it probably contained some curses or something of that sort. In any case, it was a perplexing letter he had no desire to keep.

Fabius thought it would be best to just read it quickly and be done with it as he tore open the letter with some impatience, and then he began to read it slowly.

「Father, I know you never considered me as your daughter. I, too, resented having a father like you. I harbored a lot of grudges. But strangely, when I think about dying, your face comes to mind.

Of course, you probably wouldn’t care about my death all that much, but still, I wanted to write you a letter. Perhaps because this is my last letter.

Come to think of it, just like Father, it seems like I never really treated you as my father properly.

Thank you for giving birth to me.

Perhaps no one wanted this, but I just hope you won’t regret everything. Let the regrets be mine alone. I hope no one else regrets anything anymore.

I have one request. Just once, someday, will you come and visit me? A single flower as a gift would be nice.

As for the type, well, pansies would be nice. 」

It was surprisingly written in a light-hearted tone for someone facing death. Fabius, who had finished reading the letter, let out a laugh.

Huh, I wondered what that last word meant.

Regrets. Did she really think he would do something like that? He wasn’t weak enough to regret his actions.

He had never regretted anything in his life.

…Or had he?

He had never thought about it before. No, he deliberately didn’t think about it. It was a feeling he didn’t know.

However, did he really not know?

Suddenly, his mind went blank. Did he regret it? Or not? Did he? Conflicting emotions swirled in his mind like a whirlwind.

‘Why…’

He blinked and hastily read the letter again. His gaze lingered on one sentence.

“Thank you for giving birth to me.”

Thank you….?

He had always resented her. He resented her birth and longed for what she took away from him. It was too precious to him, and that sense of loss was immense. That was why he hated her.

His feelings toward her were undoubtedly resentment. But what was the liquid running down his cheek right now? Was it also resentment?

If so, resentment towards what?

“N-no.”

This couldn’t be anything other than resentment. It had to be anger towards her.

If it wasn’t, the crutch that had been holding him up all this time might break. If that happened, he would no longer be able to stand up on his own, so he clung to the cracked crutch with all his might.

It’s okay. I didn’t do anything wrong.

He reassured himself and looked ahead again. He needed to prove that everything was fine. As if instilling it to himself, he squeezed out the courage he didn’t have.

But he shouldn’t have done that.

The belongings sent from the palace were neatly arranged on his desk. The first thing that caught his eye was a lavish necklace with a large gemstone.

Then, there were antique-looking items, worn and aged. And what followed was a rush of memories triggered by the things he laid eyes on.

These were memories that seemed so fleeting, so insignificant, that he hadn’t even bothered to recall them. Yet all of her belongings were familiar to him. Gradually, memories attached to those items began to resurface one by one.

The red ribbon that she had praised for looking nice on her when she was six.

An old bracelet with small jewels encrusted in it, which he had given as a perfunctory birthday gift when she was eight, was now broken and unusable.

The small dress, which wouldn’t fit her anymore, that he had tailored for her debutante ball when she turned sixteen.

They were sporadic, fragmented memories, and the only memories he could remember. Yet, they all felt so familiar. They were objects entwined with words, ones he had given as gifts or tossed aside without much thought.

It felt as if someone had struck him on the head. The crutch that had been barely supporting him finally shattered into pieces. Lost and disoriented, he sank down on the floor, staring blankly at the traces she had left behind.

His vision blurred. His gaze was fixed on the blurry items.

Epiphanies always come suddenly. Even without any preparation, it would arrive suddenly.

He muttered faintly.

This can’t be right. How have I been living all this time, and now, all of a sudden, this can’t be right.

A wave of confusion swept over him. He had never thought of her as his daughter, and he couldn’t be like this. A bitter, helpless laugh escaped his lips.

“Ha, hahaha…”

His life had to be perfect. There should be no room for regrets.

Surely, it was supposed to be that way.

What he was feeling now was an undeniable sense of regret. Regret for not doing anything right, remorse for not fulfilling his role as a father as she had always considered him to be.

His chest felt heavy and stuffy, as if a boulder had lodged in there. His throat constricted as if someone were choking him. The hand holding the letter trembled.

If I had bought a better necklace, or if I had given a word of praise, would things have turned out differently? Or should I have sincerely wished her a happy birthday? Or perhaps…

His thoughts couldn’t continue. Further assumptions were futile. There was no point, no change that could come from it. He stopped making excuses.

Yet it was strange. It was almost comical how he had been cursing her just a moment ago, and now he was regretting it. As if the emotions were not his own, a sadness he couldn’t find anywhere before, swallowed him up slowly.

He bit his lip.

And finally, he realized.

He was regretting letting her die. He felt sorry for her. No, he couldn’t even dare to define it with a single word, ‘sorry’.

For more than two decades, emotions that had been suppressed and ignored were now intertwined and swirling together.

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I was such a terrible father.

He realized too late that he should have said those words. Even if they were empty words, if he had just told her he was sorry… If he had done that, he wouldn’t be in this much pain now.

His heart ached. It felt as if someone were mercilessly slicing through it with a sharp blade. He wished he had never known such feelings; it would have been better that way. So, he denied his own thoughts. I don’t regret it. I didn’t regret it.

However, the moments when he had mocked and persecuted her, as if taunting him, continued to flash through his mind.

“Ah, aah…!”

He screamed. At the same time, he remembered having felt something similar once before. A pain he never wanted to remember again.

The day he had lost his beloved wife. That day, he was also in so much pain that he felt he was going to die. His throat felt like being choked, and he couldn’t breathe.

Why? Why now?!

Even if he regretted it, what was the use now?!

He wanted to grab someone by the collar and demand answers.

Why now? Why now of all times?! Why?!

He hadn’t loved her. He had thought he hated her. He had resented her. He had considered her useless. But now, all those negative emotions were coming together, attacking his heart.

My daughter, whom I never once treated kindly.

My daughter, whom I always considered useless.

And yet… that child who said I was good.

‘What, what on earth have I done?’

As he became aware of his actions, his hands trembled.

If someone were to turn back time, he would never persecute her again. He would give her the affection he had never given her before. He would hold her in his arms and tell her he loved her. He would make sure she was happy.

He felt like he would go crazy if he didn’t do something right away, so he grabbed the letter that was in his hand. However, the letter that easily fit in his hand was nothing more than a thin piece of paper. Fabius sobbed.

He knew it all too well. Once time passed, it would never come back.

In the past, he had made the same wish, but the more he wished, the further the past went, never getting any closer.

Even though he regretted it belatedly, it was truly a useless emotion of late regret, because the very subject he sought forgiveness from was no longer in this world.

He continued to regret and dwell on that regret. However, in the time that had already passed and in the time yet to come, there was no way for her, who had already passed away, to come back to life.