Her, Kilianerisa (2)

She pretended to love someone she didn’t love, and she pretended to be crazy about them. She thought that was the only way she could survive in this dreadful hell. So, she gritted her teeth and acted.

Her true feelings could no longer be found. It had been a long time since she had shown her true feelings. No, she had only shown her true feelings in front of him. When she realized that, tears streamed down her face.

She was in pain. Her heart hurt so much that she couldn’t stop crying.

She thought that if she deceived herself into believing she was in love, she might actually be able to love. But the more she tried to deceive herself, the more emptiness she felt. All she had gained was the realization that this place was hell.

Maybe it would be better to be a crazy woman in love, as rumored.

In the empty void, Kilianerisa felt defeated. She realized too late that something irreplaceable had been emptied from this void. But the fact that this realization came too late, leaving her in a situation where she couldn’t even reach out to fix it, plunged her deeper into despair.

Where did it all go wrong… No, what did I do wrong?

She wanted to know.

Her heart ached so much that she thought that just knowing the truth would make her feel better. Even if it didn’t make her feel better, it would be a hundred times better than not knowing the cause of her pain. However, there was no one who could tell her what had gone wrong.

She let out a bitter laugh.

So, this is the position of Empress that everyone wants.

She slowly scanned her surroundings. There were plenty of dazzling jewels and beautiful things. Yet, Kilianerisa thought they were no different from trash. No matter how luxurious and beautiful they were, they weren’t what she wanted.

There was nothing she wanted in the palace.

Would speaking to him now make any difference? She suddenly wondered. She knew it was too late, but she still wanted to convey her true feelings. She knew it was a selfish thought, but she didn’t care. After all, she was a selfish person who was born preying on her own mother.

However, she didn’t have the courage to contact Callisis. She didn’t have the face to send him a letter now, and she was afraid he might have forgotten her. Or worse, perhaps he had already found someone else to love.

That thought terrified her. If she found out that he had, she felt like her reason for leaving would be completely gone.

It was better not to hear the truth she didn’t want.

There was no guarantee it would be like that, but she couldn’t muster the courage anymore. This was the result of her hard-won bravery. So, she just hoped that in her imagination, he would remain a man who could never forget her, even though he had been abandoned by her.

She had been the one to abandon him first, and now, feeling like this, it was like a farce.

She burst into laughter at the absurdity of it all. That day, she laughed and cried and acted according to her heart. But as if that had all been a lie, Kilianerisa never revealed her true feelings after that.

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It was from that day onwards that she started acting out in any way she pleased. People called her a villain and pointed fingers at her for being a madwoman. However, she didn’t care at all. She had no desire to look good for anyone, so what did other people’s opinion matter? Even if the whole world cursed her, she was fine.

She engaged in wickedness as the rumors said, and whenever she could, she visited Lerian to make a fuss. At the same time, she played the role of a woman who was madly in love with the Emperor, and one who would die without his love. In reality, she didn’t have the slightest affection for him.

She grew increasingly tired. She wanted to end this meaningless play.

Kilianerisa, who had decided to do so, asked Lerian to make a bet. A bet that she had no chance of winning.

Even so, this foolish woman seemed to have no idea. Her terrified and huddled figure was almost a sight to behold.

But you’re happy, aren’t you? At least you can be with the one you love.

Compared to that, Kilianerisa had nothing.

Gorgeous jewelry? Noble birth? A grand position?

All of that was no different from a pile of dirt.

When she made the bet, she didn’t even consider the slightest possibility with Leonard. From what she had seen of him so far, he was never that kind of person.

However, when she found out the result, her heart ached. It wasn’t the fear of impending death. It seemed that her foolish heart had held some shallow expectations of him. Nevertheless, she could silently accept her aching heart and smile willingly.

Even though she was about to die, she was not resentful.

By having Lerian accept her bet and having Leonard choose her, she had already given them a taste of humiliation.

To Leonard, the guilt of having killed an innocent woman because of his lover.

To Lerian, she bore the stigma of plotting to kill her.

So, she was the winner.

If their relationship remained unchanged afterward, she might even acknowledge them then. After all, she had never had a chance to interfere in the first place.

Even if the result was so, she could be satisfied with the mere act of adding one gold to their noble love.

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She accepted her death quite calmly.

Until the very last moment, she wore a mask on her face. Her final stubbornness and selfishness were the hope that her true self would remain in the memories of only one person.

However, as she stood on the guillotine and looked at the crowd, she felt her resolve crumble in an instant.

Unforgettable.

She tried to forget, but she couldn’t.

She could see his figure.

The moment when she unconsciously tried to call out the name that she had refrained from even thinking about, she didn’t even know if he wanted to see her.

Before she could even become aware of her emotions, darkness fell upon her world. She could no longer feel joy, love, desire, jealousy, or despair.

Even though she could no longer feel any emotions, the fact that she no longer had to despair was almost a relief to her.

〈End〉