After Death

There was no pain.

She felt nothing, only a quiet silence filled the void. It was as if her consciousness, which had been numb as if submerged in deep slumber, gradually began to become clearer as time passed. Kilianerisa slowly opened her eyes and looked around.

But all she could see was a hazy fog.

Nothing could be seen, as if someone had intentionally obscured her vision. How long had she been here? In the midst of the hazy landscape, something began to take shape. Eventually, it formed into the figure of a person. Kilianerisa stared at it until it became clearer.

It was a woman she had never seen before.

Yet, her face seemed strangely familiar. Kilianerisa stared at her blankly. The woman appeared to be of a similar age as her, but her eyes, which resembled the color of deep emerald, had a depth to them.

She looked at Kilianerisa with an expression that was difficult to describe, and then approached her. Soon, her lips slowly opened.

“…I’m sorry.”

She felt a slight pang in her chest upon hearing the woman’s apologetic words. She couldn’t understand why. Her face looked sad, and she seemed to be feeling sorry about something. Just looking at her made Kilianerisa’s heart ache.

“It was hard, wasn’t it?”

What? Kilianerisa couldn’t understand what she meant. She simply stared at the woman with a vacant expression. Suddenly, the woman reached out and gently embraced Kilianerisa. It was a sudden and unfamiliar touch, but she didn’t hate it.

The warmth of their contact seemed to comfort her, so Kilianerisa hugged the woman in return.

Even though she didn’t know who she was.

It’s really strange. How can the embrace of a stranger be so comforting?

Such a thought crossed Kilianerisa’s mind, but she decided to set aside her common sense for now. She didn’t want to think about anything complicated.

Like the arrival of a warm season after a cold winter, the woman’s embrace was warm. It wasn’t just about warmth. Rather, it felt like it was soothing deeper wounds. It was somewhat like being wrapped in a cozy blanket.

It was so warm and gentle.

Perhaps she had always longed for such an embrace. It was even warmer and cozier than what she had imagined. As she tightened her hug even more, the woman spoke.

“I love you, my sweetheart.”

Before she could fully comprehend what those words meant, tears started flowing from her eyes.

It was strange.

She wasn’t particularly sad or in pain… No, that wasn’t it.

She was sad. She was always in pain, and it was just too hard. She was exhausted, constantly feeling suffocated. Everything was just… so difficult and painful.

As she thought of that, she felt her sadness overwhelmed her like a river bursting from a dam. As was her habit, she bit her lips until they bled, trying to suppress the emotions that were crushing her. She was afraid that if she didn’t do that, her emotions would all explode and consume her entirely.

In that moment, a warm hand gently landed on Kilianerisa’s head.

Desperately biting her lips, she momentarily stopped breathing. The woman gently stroked her hair and spoke in a soothing, lullaby-like voice.

“You don’t have to hold it in.”

Her words echoed in Kilianerisa’s mind. She really didn’t have to hold it in?

Her strength slowly faded away.

The walls she had built up for a long time began to crumble and melt in response to the voice that had approached her like a detonator. The emotions that had been pent up and confined for so long started to erupt like a sudden explosion. She let out her sadness, which she had never done before, letting it pour out freely.

“Ugh, ugh… H-huh, huh! Huuuuuk! Huaaaaah!”

She cried, as if she had become a child who didn’t know how to hold back her sadness. She cried, and cried, and cried again.

Until all her sadness had flown away.

Her throat was hoarse, and only when the tears stopped coming out was she able to stop crying. After crying her heart out, she couldn’t remember what had made her so sad. It was as if someone had taken away all those memories.

All that remained was the realization that she had been very sad and now felt relieved. Exhausted from pouring out all her emotions, she gazed at the woman blankly, or more precisely, at the hand extended to her. Kilianerisa stared at it for a moment before gently placing her hand on top of the woman’s hand.

The woman certainly appeared to be around her age, but when she held her hand, the woman seemed to have grown bigger.

No, it was more like she had become smaller.

Kilianerisa looked at her own hand, now small and chubby, with a sense of wonder. It was strange. It was so strange that it couldn’t be explained by common sense, yet she didn’t dwell on it. It felt as natural as water flowing downstream.

The woman took a step forward, and Kilianerisa, who had become a child, followed her. She didn’t know the destination of this walk, but it didn’t really matter.

Because she was happy now.

She was content at this moment, walking while holding a warm hand without feeling any sadness.

She didn’t even wonder about the identity of the woman who was walking with her. How could she not recognize the person she had always thought of and longed for? There was no need to hear confirmation, she knew. She had never truly forgotten even for a single moment. A small smile curved up at the corners of Kilianerisa’s lips.

Kilianerisa smiled brightly. A blank mask rolled at her feet. She didn’t need it anymore. She didn’t need to hide her true feelings behind a mask anymore.

As a child, Kilianerisa held the hand of her mother, who she had always longed for. She was happy. Everything she had hoped for was here.

After walking for an unimaginably long time, the woman’s steps finally stopped. Kilianerisa, also stopped walking with her mother and looked at the place she was looking at.

Just as the woman had done earlier, faint shapes gradually took on human form. This time, there were three of them. Faces that seemed quite familiar. However, their appearances were considerably different from the last ones she remembered. It was as if a significant amount of time had passed.

It was a strange relationship where she had once begged for love, hated each other terribly, and eventually missed each other. Kilianerisa looked at them from a distance, helplessly avoiding eye contact when she met their gaze.

She thought she would be angry when she saw them, that she would feel resentful.

…Strangely, she didn’t feel much of anything.

Was it because she was holding her mother’s hand, who was expressing anger on her behalf? As such thought crossed her dazed mind, her mother’s soft voice echoed in her ears.

“What do you want to do?”

What if she said no?

Was that the end of it? The end of all relationships?

When she thought about it, she felt a jolt of clarity.

She didn’t want that. Even if she couldn’t forgive them, she didn’t want to turn away and avoid them like that. She felt if she avoided this conversation, she would really regret it.

Kilianerisa tightened her grip on her mother’s hand.

“……I want to talk to them.”

She wanted to hear everything before making any decisions. Even if she couldn’t forgive them, she knew all too well how much regret could be caused by unheard or unspoken stories. It was already enough for her past self to regret it.

Although she hadn’t regretted everything, most of her life had unfolded differently from what she had imagined, and it had consistently led to regret. She had realized this fact far too late.

While the time that had passed couldn’t be undone, she believed she could at least choose the path she would walk in the future. If so, she didn’t want to walk the path of regret again.

Having made up her mind, she slowly walked towards them.

They seemed to have also made up their minds as they appeared to be waiting for her.

Meeting their gazes was a strange feeling, but it wasn’t unpleasant. Perhaps, she thought, she might no longer come to hate them.