After Sheng Xia said that, Shi Ye carried him out of the room.

What happened afterward was a blur in Sheng Xia’s memory because he was in too much pain. But amidst the pain, he was happy that Shi Ye still wanted to touch him. So, he tried to focus on other things to distract himself from the discomfort in his lower body.

He didn’t remember how many times they did it that day.

Initially, Shi Ye carried him out of the bedroom, grabbing a bottle of half-empty liquor from the cabinet as they passed by. Sheng Xia noticed an old-fashioned clock on the cabinet, the type with a bird that would pop out to chirp the time, but it had stopped, frozen at 5:29 in the afternoon.

It’s strange that he would remember such small details.

Sheng Xia just squinted his eyes, trying to remember everything he could see clearly—Shi Ye’s home, everything about Shi Ye.

There were several pairs of high-top boots by the sofa, where Shi Ye probably changed his shoes. On the wooden table in front of the sofa was a fruit tray with several wrinkled apples. When he was thrown onto the sofa, he stared at those rotten apples, but Shi Ye leaned over, blocking his view completely.

Shi Ye knelt between his parted legs, using his mouth to open the bottle of liquor, while his other hand was in Sheng Xia’s hair, massaging the back of his neck slowly, petting him as if soothing a small animal… It wasn’t a particularly ambiguous area, but Sheng Xia felt strangely itchy there, and his waist would go soft with every rub.

As Shi Ye opened the bottle with his mouth, he tilted his head slightly, looking down at Sheng Xia. Sheng Xia was fixated on the thin layer of sweat on Shi Ye’s abdomen. Just when he was getting dizzy from that sight, the handsome man suddenly reached out and firmly held his chin, forcefully pouring the liquor into his mouth.

Forced to tilt his head back and swallow the icy, bitter liquid, Sheng Xia seemed to see a lot in Shi Ye’s eyes…

Those eyes seemed to say: “I don’t want to treat you like this either, I can’t stand myself either, but I have no choice. Tell me, what should I do?”

The liquor was harsh, bitter, and choking. The process of feeding it to him was not smooth; Sheng Xia instinctively struggled, but Shi Ye firmly held his chin, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t break free, only coughing and swallowing the burning liquid.

When he was halfway through the bottle, Shi Ye stopped and then put the bottle to his own lips, as if preparing to finish the rest. It was remarkable that even in this situation, Sheng Xia remembered that Shi Ye had a bad stomach and throat, so he swiftly grabbed the bottle from his hand and drank it down in a few big gulps, frowning as he finished it off.

Actually, Sheng Xia didn’t have a good tolerance for alcohol. Downing half a bottle of whiskey at once would surely make anyone drunk. Strangely though, after drinking it, he didn’t feel drunk.

Maybe it’s because he was already drunk? It seemed like he hadn’t been sober since Shi Ye kissed him. He felt like he was in a strange state… his thoughts and consciousness were dancing in his mind, flying fast, sometimes in the sky, sometimes diving into the sea, sometimes falling to the ground and rolling.

But he didn’t have the energy to express the jumble of thoughts and patterns in his mind; he was never good at expressing himself, always the same.

He just felt his eyes sore, wanting to hug Shi Ye, to be hugged by Shi Ye, wanting to have a…illusion of being cherished.

At least for now, just this moment.

When he felt dizzy, he seemed to hum a few lines of John Lennon’s “Oh My Love.” Maybe he sang it out loud, maybe not, but those lyrics kept playing in his mind.

“Oh my lover for the first time in my life, my eyes are wide and open, my mind can feel…”

The song and Shi Ye buried inside him were both gentle warm orange colors.

Listening to the BGM playing automatically in his mind before the alcohol took over, Sheng Xia grabbed Shi Ye’s shoulders and asked softly, “Ge, have you been with anyone else these years?”

Actually, he wanted to ask if Shi Ye had slept with anyone else, but it came out as asking if he had been with anyone else. Strangely, it seemed like Shi Ye understood what he was asking, first giving him a fierce thrust, then using his hand to press on his abdomen, slowly saying, “No. So today, I might go crazy, and you’ll have it hard.”

Sheng Xia thought for a moment and then asked, “Then, have you liked anyone else?”

Shi Ye didn’t answer that question.

Later, Sheng Xia’s memory became very fuzzy. He only remembered that they seemed to be on the sofa for a long time, then went to the bathroom. The bathroom was small but surprisingly had a bathtub. The bathtub was also small, with a yellowish color and some peeling paint on the edges. Shi Ye initially sat on the edge of the bathtub, and he knelt on the ground to help Shi Ye.

They did it under the showerhead and also in the bathtub.

The old house, which seemed precarious, was made even messier by them.

They even did it on top of the washing machine. He half-sat on it, being squeezed at the waist, because his body’s center of gravity was unstable, so he could only use his feet to wrap around Shi Ye’s waist. But both of them were sweating, and he had no strength, sliding down when he tried to climb up. In the end, Shi Ye pinched his ankle and spread his legs apart, thrusting into that soft and sloppy hole while saying to Sheng Xia, “There are no condoms at home, so I’ve cum inside you.”

Sheng Xia agreed, saying it was okay wherever he wanted, as long as Shi Ye wanted it.

It was getting dark. The light switch was within reach, but neither of them went to turn it on. After drinking, Sheng Xia felt like he had some strength. He was driven to sit on Shi Ye’s lap, kissing Shi Ye’s blurred brows and eyes in the dim twilight, moving up and down, trying hard to see Shi Ye’s swaying face in the balance between pain and pleasure, crying and calling out to him, “Ge…”

Shi Ye didn’t respond to him, not a word.

The whole process probably couldn’t be defined as lovemaking, but rather two people venting and expressing emotions in their own way… one was trying to destroy, while the other was eagerly offering.

When Sheng Xia was drunk and his consciousness was fuzzy, he seemed to hear Shi Ye say, “After we’re done, get lost, alright.”

He didn’t know how to respond, it seemed like he just stared into Shi Ye’s eyes, stubbornly calling out to him, “Ge—”

The second half of what he wanted to say was: Don’t leave me.

Then, everything turned dark.

He forgot everything that happened afterward, and he couldn’t see anything clearly anymore.

But he felt very hot, as if his body was being roasted over a fire, feeling uncomfortable all over.

In that dark consciousness, he seemed to have entered another world. Originally, it was silent all around, but later, there were a few tinkling piano sounds… Sheng Xia recognized the prelude and realized that the song was “Universe,” Shi Ye’s hit song. Shi Ye wrote that song when he was only 19 years old.

Sheng Xia followed the sound absentmindedly, with Shi Ye’s voice constantly popping into his ears, reciting those lyrics he could recite by heart—

“Who tore through the sky,

And scattered the stars,

The Milky Way drifts,

Closing my eyes, touching the rainbow, lowering my head, clouds are silent,

The winds that have died

Hang high in the night sky, accompanying dreams sinking,

Vast and endless, you have nothing, and I have nothing,

The world before my eyes burns,

The universe ignites a great fire,

Devouring you and drowning me.”

…

“—Hey, Sheng Xia.”

Someone seemed to be calling him.

“—Sheng Xia, Sheng Xia!”

Familiar, but he couldn’t recall who it was.

“—Sheng Xia…”

…Mom?

“—Sheng Xia…”

He couldn’t remember.

“You’re called Sheng Xia? But you look like winter.”

This is… Shi Ye.

“Yeah, I’m just passing by.”

Still Shi Ye.

“You’ve liked me for many years?”

Still Shi Ye.

“In fact, I’m not as good as you imagine, but I…”

Shi Ye.

“I’m leaving.”

Shi Ye.

“Let’s pretend like nothing ever happened.”

Shi Ye.

Shi Ye.

All of it was Shi Ye.

Consciousness fiercely dragged the bewildered Sheng Xia, pulling him back from that cosmic fire and Shi Ye’s voice, all at once, back to…

Four years ago.