“You won’t get far dragging me.”

“There’s a card in the bedside table with 8,000 yuan on it. The password is your birthday.”

“Burn me, scatter my ashes in the sea. It’s clean.”

“Don’t be sad, I was bound to die sooner or later.”

“Yan Ze, study hard, get out of here, and don’t ever come back.”

I held the note, kneeling on the ground, staring at the ceiling, unable to cry.

Something’s wrong.

This isn’t right.

All I had left was He Li.

No matter how bad she was, she was all I had.

Even if dragging her along would crush me, I was willing.

She didn’t understand.

Why didn’t she understand?

13

“Yan Ze, speak!”

Someone slapped my face, lifted my head, forcing me to look at him.

“Speak!”

Fang Heng? How did he get here?

I opened my mouth, but no sound came out.

Fang Heng pulled my head onto his shoulder, hugging me. “It’s okay, it’s alright, cry it out.”

I followed He Li’s will, cremated her, and scattered her ashes into the sea.

I said to Fang Heng, “Do you know what I was doing when my mom killed herself?”

I pointed to the love bite on my neck. “I was tied to a bed, being played with by your brother.”

“Fang Heng, do you really know Fang Nian?”

Fang Heng reached out, rubbing the mark on my neck, his gaze dark. “I’ll handle it.”

I pushed him away and turned to leave.

I grabbed a kitchen knife at home and went to confront Liu She.

I held the knife to his neck and asked, “The woman who caused trouble the other day, did you send her?”

Liu She, frightened by the knife, didn’t dare move. “It was Fang Nian’s idea.”

“When did you and Fang Nian meet?”

“We’ve known each other since we were kids,” Liu She said. “Fang Nian’s parents divorced ten years ago, and he lived with his mom, who was my neighbor.”

“So, from the start, you two were just putting on a show for me?”

Liu She said, “You misunderstood. When you saw us together, you assumed I was bullying him. You rushed over to demand I hand him over, and Fang Nian just went along with it, playing the ‘bully’ game with you.”

I took a deep breath and asked, “When you led the bullying against me in junior high, did Fang Nian participate?”

Liu She laughed. “Fang Nian never got his hands dirty. He only picked the targets. Back then, he said you looked especially easy to bully and wanted to see you cry.”

“Idiot!”

I kicked Liu She and started fighting with him.

Two days later, both Fang Heng and Fang Nian took time off from school.

Four days later, Fang Heng returned and dragged me to the rooftop.

He handed me a leather-bound notebook.

I asked, “What’s this?”

“Open it and see.”

I opened it, and inside was Fang Heng’s handwriting.

It was a diary, dating back to junior high. The first page was filled with my name.

“Yan Ze came first again.”

“He thought of the third solution to question 23 that I hadn’t considered.”

“Yan Ze is first.”

“Yan Ze is first again.”

“Yan Ze, again and again, is first.”

“I tried to say hi to Yan Ze, but he didn’t know me. Even though our names were always side by side on the exam lists. Nerd.”

“How can I become like Yan Ze?”

…

“I’ve figured out the truth. I’m sorry, I didn’t know Fang Nian and the others bullied you back then.”

Fang Heng said, “Fang Nian read my diary. That’s probably why he had Liu She bully you.”

“I don’t know why Fang Nian did it. He won’t say. Maybe I never really understood him.”

“When I was eight, my parents divorced. Fang Nian lived with our mom. Three years ago, our mom moved abroad, and Fang Nian came to live with our dad. Our dad was busy, so he left Fang Nian to me. For three years, I’ve been responsible for him. We were separated for ten years, and when we were finally reunited, I wanted to fulfill my duty as an older brother. But I ended up messing things up. Fang Nian wasn’t raised well, and that’s partly my fault.”

“I’m sorry it took this long for me to find out the truth.” Fang Heng lowered his head, his voice hoarse, letting out a bitter laugh. “I thought you had given up on yourself. When I saw you bullying Fang Nian, I was really angry and disappointed.”

He turned his head, looking at me. “Since childhood, my father had always been strict with me, demanding that I excel in everything.

I tried my best to meet his expectations, and I succeeded in everything, except for grades. Because you were always ahead of me, I could never be number one. You were always doing what I couldn’t. When I looked up, all I saw was you. Yan Ze, you probably didn’t know how much you shone in my eyes back in junior high. After you changed in high school, I hated you so much. I hated that you gave up, hated that you liked Fang Nian and would do anything for him. I even hated that when you bullied people, you never bullied me.”

“I didn’t just take revenge for Fang Nian back then. I did it for myself. The more I admired you in junior high, the more I hated you later. You were someone I looked up to, and I couldn’t accept seeing you turn into a scumbag. So, I acted impulsively that time. I was using Fang Nian’s situation as an excuse to vent my frustration.” He glanced at my lips. “It hurt, didn’t it?”

Fang Heng leaned closer, his fingers brushing my waistband. “I can help you get it back.”

I grabbed his wrist, stopping him.

“Where’s Fang Nian?”

“He was sent abroad by our father.”

I sneered. “So he was sent away in such a hurry because they were afraid I’d kill him?”

“Yan Ze, your mom wanted you to focus on your studies and get into a good university. Leave Fang Nian to me, alright?” Fang Heng’s hand rested on my waist. “He’s a bad kid. I’ll take care of him.”

“You’ll take care of him? Are you his dad?”

Fang Heng said, “An older brother is like a father. Our dad left him to me, so Fang Nian’s behavior is my responsibility.”

I realized then that Fang Heng had a very strong “fatherly” vibe.

I don’t know how or if Fang Heng handled Fang Nian, nor do I care.

Fang Nian bullied me, and I bullied him back. Right and wrong are hard to determine. I don’t want to waste any more time on this.

The Fang family offered to support me, and I accepted.

In my mind, the only thing that matters now is the college entrance exam.

I have to get out, by any means necessary.

My mom left only a few simple wishes in that note.

I have to fulfill them.