Chapter 143

When they were together in the past, she would sweetly call him “husband” when she was happy. When she was upset, she would frown and call him “Pei Shizhang.”

What was the expression on her face back then?

She would purse her lips, the corners of her mouth curling upward, her eyes filled with a sparkling smile, as if brimming with warm water ripples—so happy that it seemed to radiate light. But now, her expression was gentle and calm, lacking the vibrant radiance and liveliness she once had.

Those innocent and carefree joys could no longer be seen.

They had returned to the past, youth slipping by, but the feelings they once held could never be regained.

Pei Jian never imagined he could ask this question so calmly. Calm to the point of being almost surreal.

Does Nianxi like Lu Wensheng? He wasn’t sure.

At that time, she liked Gu Ci, his good friend. He was so consumed with jealousy that he nearly went mad. In his loss of reason, he did many foolish things that irritated her.

Now, nearly a year after his rebirth, Pei Jian even feels that if she were to tell him that she had fallen in love with Lu Wensheng, he would accept it calmly.

The intense ups and downs of emotions have left him; all that remains now is an empty shell. Time, indeed, has the power to change many things.

She has long started her new life. Only he remains trapped in the confines of the past and present, unable to move on.

Nianxi glanced at him briefly, then turned her head away. “Why are you still asking about this?”

Pei Jian smiled faintly. Even in such a moment, he managed to smile. His voice was low and calm, “Just a little curious.”

Nianxi knew he had misunderstood.

No matter how composed he pretended to be, she could still see through it—he was far from as calm as he appeared, unable to let go of a love that had already become the past.

As for Lu Wensheng, Nianxi was certainly grateful. Beyond gratitude, there was even a trace of admiration.

Undeniably, as a mature man, Lu Wensheng exudes elegance and humility, a charm in his every move that is enough to make a woman’s heart flutter. She could feel the special attention Lu Wensheng had for her. If it had been back when she was newly reborn—when she was desolate and confused about emotions, even seeking pleasure for the sake of it—meeting him might truly have swept her off her feet.

But not anymore.

She had once encountered a genuine heart, as sincere as gold, soothing and healing her, bringing her back to life, and helping her regain the ability to love. Only then did she realize that she was, in fact, very strict about matters of the heart. When she loved, she gave her all and desired a hundred percent in return.

Nianxi’s silence made Pei Jian restless. What began as a test turned into a heart-palpitating abyss. The cracks in his calm façade widened, and his dark pupils revealed his true self: “Do you really like him? What is Lu Wensheng worth? You fancy him, so why not me?”

Even Pei Jian himself didn’t know why he couldn’t give up on Nianxi after all this time.

Was it love, the inability to let go of the past thirteen years, or what Nianxi had mentioned about the base self-esteem of a man?

The only thing he could be certain of was that, when it came to Nianxi, he could never let go. Never.

“Didn’t you want a lifelong, unwavering love between two people? Lu Wensheng even has a child—what right does he have? Or are you willing to abandon your past promises for a man?”

Pei Jian knew how ugly he looked now, with jealousy completely distorting his features. He simply couldn’t control the bitterness and sharpness that surged from within. He was terrified of seeing her eyes light up with happiness because of another man again. He was just afraid of losing her forever.

Nianxi was initially silent. That sealed-off past was something she was unwilling to bring up. She no longer wished to sink into the self-consuming emotions of regret and self-pity. She had already been trying to make herself happy—and was doing quite well.

But Pei Jian refused to let her go.

Nianxi raised her eyes, her gaze icy, her voice soft—almost gentle and pleasant, “So what if he has a child? Xiaoqi is very adorable. If you are willing to register Xu Wanxin’s child under my name, why shouldn’t I find someone I actually like?”

Pei Jian was momentarily stunned, then hurried to explain, “Nianxi, I didn’t know—I didn’t know Xu Wanxin’s feelings back then. If I had known, I would definitely have…”

“And now you know?” Nianxi’s face even carried a smile, “You know that she always brought up your ambiguous relationship in front of me, said vague and suggestive things, and wore accessories in colors you liked? And that’s not even the most disgusting part. The day after I threw you a birthday celebration, she personally came to explain to me that it was because of her that you stood me up the whole night, turning all my efforts and surprises into a joke.”

With every sentence Nianxi uttered, Pei Jian’s face grew darker. When she mentioned that birthday, he instinctively wanted to evade it.

Instinct overtook reason, and he dreaded hearing each word she would say next. They would be too heavy for him to bear.

Pei Jian’s lips trembled, and his typically dark, cold eyes even carried a hint of pleading as he begged her: “Nianxi…”

After ten years of marriage, she naturally knew how to hurt Pei Jian—and she could make it hurt even more.

“Everyone thought I fell ill because King Jing forced me, but that wasn’t it. At that time, in the great hall, when I saw the blood beneath King Jing Consort, it was as if I was seeing myself from years ago—helpless and grief-stricken. A mother who couldn’t save her unborn child—how useless, how pitiful.”

“Pei Jian, you don’t know how much I hate my own cowardice.”

Pei Jian listened, dazed and numb, his Adam’s apple moving. He could no longer even feel the pain. “Nianxi, it’s all in the past. You can have more children.”

That was what he had said to comfort her back then.

Nianxi smiled softly, as she always did, but her eyes were sorrowful. “You still don’t understand, do you? I don’t want to have children anymore.”

It was as if Pei Jian had been struck over the head, leaving him in a daze for a long time. He had never known that the wound in Nianxi’s heart was so deep. He had never known that she had been trapped in self-blame all these years. She blamed herself for not protecting that child.

Pei Jian’s emotions were churning, his eyes bloodshot. He could hardly lift his head in guilt and still spoke hoarsely, “Nianxi, don’t be like this.”

“Nianxi, this is not your fault.”

“I wasn’t with Xu Wanxin that day. I was…”

“Busy with work.”

“I realized it later,” Nianxi replied calmly, meeting Pei Jian’s red-rimmed eyes. She lowered her gaze: “At that time, you were very, very busy. I wanted to celebrate your birthday and even had to confirm with you half a month in advance, asking you to spare one evening to be with me.”

“Wasn’t Xu Wanxin’s lie easy to debunk? But I couldn’t see you.”

“I once tried my best, put in all my effort and passion, and still couldn’t stop the love that gradually dimmed.”

“Pei Jian, it’s not that you did anything wrong.”

“It’s just that I could never keep up with your pace. No matter how many times we start over, we will still miss each other.”

Nianxi lowered her eyes and blinked away the tears that had gathered. This was the last time she would feel sorrow for the old Nianxi and the fervent love she had once given.

“Go back,” she said softly. Her almond-shaped eyes were calm, showing neither love nor hate.

Pei Jian sorrowfully realized this was what losing someone felt like.