27. Shouldn’t Quarrel

“April 21, 2015, cloudy weather.

It shouldn’t have turned into an argument. I know Yu Yue was doing it for my own good, trying to protect me from being bullied.

I shouldn’t have said those words to him.”

In the brightly lit lecture hall, numerous students were seated, gathered in groups.

Today, a professor from another university was scheduled to give a lecture.

Before the class began, Yu Yue sat at his desk, supporting his forehead, flipping through his notebook with lowered eyes. When he reached this page, he stared at Xu Yuanzhe’s handwriting for a long time.

“Hey!” Suddenly, Steven sat down next to Yu Yue.

Yu Yue instinctively closed the notebook.

After displaying some subtle expressions, Steven clicked his tongue twice, “What secret are you hiding again, Yu Yue? I’ve noticed you seem to have many secrets.”

Yu Yue shook his head gently, still seeming a bit absent-minded.

Not long after, the class began.

The professor on the stage was giving the lecture, sunlight pouring in, and people around were either diligently taking notes or daydreaming.

Yu Yue wasn’t daydreaming; he just found it hard to concentrate. He turned his head, gazing out the window.

The entry in the diary was about the first argument between him and Xu Yuanzhe.

Actually, it didn’t qualify as an argument, not even a dispute.

After Xu Yuanzhe asked Yu Yue, “Why did you do that?” Yu Yue hesitated for a moment but quickly realized that the matter had been exposed.

In a low voice, Yu Yue said, “I explicitly told them not to say… Why did they still say it?”

Xu Yuanzhe remained silent, just looking at Yu Yue.

Yu Yue then smiled, “It’s nothing, just a trivial thing. Let me tell you, many people in the crew are bullies. If you’re a big shot, they’ll all fawn over you. If you’re not, everyone will bully you. So, I won’t let them bully you.”

Still, Xu Yuanzhe said nothing.

At this moment, Yu Yue finally sensed that something was wrong. He stared at Xu Yuanzhe, feeling a bit frightened by the unexpected silence. “What’s wrong?”

Xu Yuanzhe said, “Don’t do this in the future.”

Yu Yue asked, “Why?”

The door was not closed, the light in the hallway was dim, only a faint glow from the living room’s light reached them, and their shadows were elongated.

In Xu Yuanzhe’s pitch-black eyes, there was an emotion that Yu Yue couldn’t understand.

His voice was a bit lower than usual, “I know you want to be good to me.” After a slight pause, he continued, “But… this is my own matter, my own job, and I can handle it.”

Yu Yue didn’t understand, “Do you not want others to know that I’m your boyfriend?”

Xu Yuanzhe’s eyebrows furrowed slightly, “No.”

Taking a step forward, he said, “I just don’t want you to help me because it makes me feel…”

Clearly, he had put in effort but didn’t get the desired result. This was the first time Yu Yue felt so aggrieved. Without letting Xu Yuanzhe finish his words, he interrupted, “It’s not a big deal. I didn’t do anything that would make you feel embarrassed. Because these days, I felt that you weren’t happy on the set, so I asked around and found out that you were having a hard time every day. I just did this casually, wanting the people in the crew to treat you better. Why are you unhappy?”

Xu Yuanzhe wanted to explain to Yu Yue.

However, he moved slightly, and the phrase “I just did this casually” from Yu Yue seemed like an invisible hand, tightly gripping his throat, making him unable to speak, unable to make a sound.

Tens of thousands of yuan for a month’s worth of crew dinners, for Yu Yue, was just a casual thing.

What could he say? Blame Yu Yue, or blame himself?

Xu Yuanzhe shouldn’t blame anyone; if he wanted to blame someone, he could only blame himself for being powerless, blame himself for relying on Yu Yue, blame himself for being helpless, just like when he was beaten by debt collectors in the alley.

Xu Yuanzhe never wanted Yu Yue to spend any money on him. He just wanted Yu Yue to save that money for himself. He always controlled himself, not wanting Yu Yue to give him too much. As long as Yu Yue could smile in front of him, it was enough.

It was as if Yu Yue’s love was a fixed amount. If he was given too much at once, it would gradually decrease in the future.

Afraid that Yu Yue would get tired, afraid that the passionate period would end, and once Yu Yue woke up, he would find that Xu Yuanzhe was actually quite miserable, a poor guy who couldn’t provide anything.

Xu Yuanzhe knew that there was actually nothing likable about him.

He didn’t have a charming mouth that could make people happy, no prestigious university, not much money, and not even enough capital to stand on his own. Perhaps he only had a skin, but how long could that skin endure?

He can only make braised pork ribs, which Yu Yue loves, watch movies together on the sofa, play around with Yu Yue at home, drive a not-so-good car to go shopping with Yu Yue on weekends, or spend the whole day at home with Yu Yue doing jigsaw puzzles. He earns money, pays rent, and saves money, hoping to change to a bigger house as soon as possible.

Xu Yuanzhe thought, but what do all these things really mean? Because he has no money and no ability, he does these things to make Yu Yue happy, to make Yu Yue feel that he is not living a bad life.

Because Xu Yuanzhe didn’t speak for a long time, Yu Yue’s eyes turned red. He took a step back, his voice soft, “I understand.” After a pause, he added, “I won’t do it again in the future.”

Today is the weekend, and he originally planned to stay here overnight, but now it seems impossible.

Yu Yue turned his head, sat on the sofa, and prepared to put on his shoes to return to the dormitory.

The more he thought about it, the more wronged he felt, unable to hold back the tears, but trying hard to keep them from falling.

Just as he was about to get up and leave, a shadow appeared in front of him.

A hand grabbed Yu Yue’s wrist, preventing him from leaving.

“…”

“Baby,” Xu Yuanzhe said, “I’m sorry.”

Yu Yue’s eyelashes trembled.

He looked up, staring at Xu Yuanzhe with red eyes.

Xu Yuanzhe half-kneeled in front of Yu Yue. “I didn’t mean to blame you. I’m very happy that you did this.”

Biting his lip, Yu Yue choked back his tears for a while before saying, “But you don’t seem happy at all.”

Xu Yuanzhe knew he was wrong.

But true emotions are often hard to hide. Just as Yu Yue said, he didn’t seem happy at all.

But these things don’t matter anymore.

Xu Yuanzhe straightened up slightly, hugged Yu Yue, held him tightly as if trying to blend Yu Yue into his bones. He couldn’t say anything, couldn’t defend himself, and had no way to explain. He could only repeat, “I’m sorry.”

Yu Yue didn’t want to hear Xu Yuanzhe apologize.

Xu Yuanzhe was not wrong, and he was not wrong either.

In the end, Yu Yue held back his tears, hugged Xu Yuanzhe, buried his face in Xu Yuanzhe’s shoulder, and said in a muffled voice, “Why do you have to say sorry…”

Xu Yuanzhe said, “I shouldn’t have lost my temper with you.”

Yu Yue remained silent.

To be honest, he was a bit sad just now.

But as soon as Xu Yuanzhe coaxed him, Yu Yue softened and couldn’t get angry anymore.

He felt sorry for Xu Yuanzhe, so he wanted to do something like that. For him, it was indeed effortless, and he couldn’t understand and experience Xu Yuanzhe’s feelings.

After holding Yu Yue for a long time, Xu Yuanzhe let go.

He took a step back, squatted in front of Yu Yue, and in the dim light, looked at Yu Yue.

Yu Yue, looking into Xu Yuanzhe’s pitch-black eyes that seemed capable of swallowing people whole, also felt a bit distracted.

Xu Yuanzhe’s voice was low, “Give me a kiss, okay?”

Yu Yue’s Adam’s apple moved.

Finally, he murmured a vague “Hmm” from his throat, and with a slight blush on his ears, leaned forward gently, kissing Xu Yuanzhe’s lips.