Chapter 12: Hiss! How can anyone fit so many things inside?

What the—!

The… rear end?!

Someone from the Ministry of Personnel instinctively reached back to touch their own behind, staring in disbelief.

How can you fit anything in there?!

“And…” one official from the Ministry of Personnel swallowed nervously, “If the jewelry was hidden there… wouldn’t it… wouldn’t it get… get… contaminated with, you know, that?”

Oh no!!!

Prime Minister Dou’s hands were trembling.

It’s tainted! The wedding gifts for his son are tainted!!!

[Oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my!]

What, what, what???

Everyone was instantly on edge.

What had Xu Yanmiao discovered?

Could there be something even more absurd than hiding gold in the rear end? No way, right? But this is someone hiding gold in their rear end!

[How did they manage to do this!] Xu Yanmiao’s rare inner voice was trembling with awe: [In one instance, they managed to fit two jade combs, two gold-inlaid jade bracelets, and four South Sea pearls! Is this really a rear end? This is a black hole!]

“Hiss—”

All the men present felt their pupils quaking.

How could anyone possibly fit so many things? Wouldn’t they pass out from the pain?

“I know! The thief must be a woman; a woman can give birth, so she can fit those things! Maybe she even disguised herself as a man to sneak in.”

Someone said this with great conviction.

—Though childbirth doesn’t happen through that part, this person didn’t know that.

[No wonder Prime Minister Dou’s youngest son was limping the other day. I thought it was because he had been beaten with a bamboo rod after fighting the prince for a courtesan.]

The person speaking suddenly seemed as if they were being choked.

A man? How could it be a man!

Does a man’s body really have such… unique talents? Stop! Don’t think about it anymore!

—However, several people present were sneaking glances at their colleagues’ backsides. If they weren’t in public, some might have tackled each other to find out for sure.

But the one who looked like he was choking the most was Prime Minister Dou.

—After all, the culprit had turned out to be his youngest son.

It was almost comically tragic!

The Minister of Ministry of Rites looked at him with shock in his eyes.

Seeing this, the Prime Minister Dou quickly explained, “This was all the doing of my rebellious son…”

At the same time, the Minister of Ministry of Rites lowered his voice, his excitement tinged with embarrassment, and asked, “Prime Minister, is it true that your youngest son was able to hide so many treasures in that place?”

Prime Minister Dou was speechless.

The Minister of Ministry of Rites coughed.

He was just… curious.

Prime Minister Dou’s expression became a complicated mix of emotions, as if a whole array of seasonings had been spilled on his face.

However, if one could overlook the fact that his own house had been set on fire…

Prime Minister Dou also cleared his throat and lowered his voice, “This… I’m not sure. If not for today’s events, I wouldn’t have known my disgraceful son had such… cough, unusual talents.”

Their eyes met, and both men saw the regret in each other’s gaze.

Prime Minister Dou: It’s my own son, so I can’t exactly test the strength of his… you-know-what.

Minister of Ministry of Rites: But he’s the Prime Minister’s son, the Prime Minister’s son, the Prime Minister’s son… (repeated silently to remind himself).

On the other side, Xu Yanmiao was completely absorbed in the gossip, not paying any attention to the outside world.

[Damn, he used that place to hide jewels, washed them, and then just gave them to a courtesan?]

[How can someone be this foolish? Luckily, the courtesan doesn’t know about this—wait, hahahahaha! I… hahahahaha… I can’t stop laughing, hahahaha!]

Everyone around perked up their ears.

More gossip! Something that could make even Xu Yanmiao laugh like this!

[Dou Shifei (Prime Minister Dou’s youngest son) gave the courtesan seven South Sea pearls recently, each the size of a fist… pfft…]

Xu Yanmiao couldn’t hold back his laughter anymore.

—Mainly because he imagined Dou Shifei extracting those pearls one by one over seven days.

After laughing, he anxiously looked around, noticing that everyone else seemed to be inspecting the scene, and he sighed in relief, continuing to sneakily dig up more gossip.

[These seven South Sea pearls are collectively known as the Big Dipper, each one a different color: white pearl, pink pearl, black pearl, peacock green pearl… Dou Shifei gave them to the courtesan, making everyone in the brothel incredibly envious.]

[And then… pfft… the courtesan gave the “Big Dipper” to the Crown Prince of Jibei, who had them made into a belt, and now he wears it around every day, showing it off, hahahahaha!]

An official from the Ministry of Personnel pinched his thigh hard.

He couldn’t laugh! Absolutely must not laugh!

Their faces turned red as they tried to hold it in.

The Crown Prince of Jibei had originally lived in Jibei, and with the King of Jibei bedridden for half a year, the Crown Prince had come to the capital on his behalf.

Recently, this prince had been wearing that treasured belt to court every day, constantly adjusting it to ensure everyone noticed it.

And it was indeed a precious item, attracting many lower-ranking officials who wanted to get a closer look—if only they could touch it!

The official from the Ministry of Personnel let out a long sigh of relief.

There were two officials at his level, and the other one noticed his colleague’s strange expression, widening his eyes, “You didn’t…”

The first official from the Ministry of Personnel closed his eyes as if the daylight was too bright, and after a moment, opened them again with lingering fear, saying, “I almost touched it back then. Luckily, the Crown Prince of Jibei slapped my hand away.”

Such a great favor! It’s beyond repayment!

[That’s odd.] Xu Yanmiao’s attention shifted again.

[With such a large set of pearls missing, why didn’t anyone notice during the previous inventory checks?]

[Woohoo! Found—damn it!]

Xu Yanmiao almost died laughing.

[Dou Shifei is truly a genius. He actually pried the biggest pearls from seven different jewelry sets, hahahahaha!]

[Prime Minister Dou forbade him from spending money recklessly, giving him only fifty taels of silver per month. No wonder he had to take such a desperate risk, hahahaha.]

Tsk tsk tsk.

Tsk tsk tsk.

Prime Minister Dou’s face went from pale to expressionless.

His gaze slowly drifted to the spiked club in the corner, and a sinister smile crept across his face.

The items were too contaminated to be used, even if recovered. But the dowry still had to be provided.

In a moment of inspiration, Prime Minister Dou whispered something to the Minister of Ministry of Rites, whose eyes lit up more and more.

“Good! Let’s do it!”

His loud declaration startled Xu Yanmiao, who quickly tried to blend in with the other officials from the Ministry of Personnel. To his surprise, everyone who saw him gave him a friendly smile.

Xu Yanmiao smiled back.

[Phew, thank goodness no one noticed I was slacking off.]

[But why did the Minister of Ministry of Rites suddenly shout like that?]

It wasn’t long before not only did they find out, but both families and all the invited guests also knew—

The Minister of Ministry of Rites’ daughter, known for her virtue, had learned of the extravagant tendencies plaguing the empire due to the lingering influence of the previous dynasty’s excesses. She implored her father to offer a modest dowry, using her own actions to set an example against such lavishness.

Moved by her righteousness, the Dou family responded with an equally modest betrothal gift.

—Of course, “modest” was relative to their status. To wealthy families, reducing a million to three hundred thousand was already the height of frugality, while to commoners, three hundred thousand was an astronomical sum.

In any case, the Minister of Ministry of Rites’ daughter’s reputation soared, earning her the name of a virtuous woman. Whether her dowry was indeed modest or whether the family would compensate her in private was open to interpretation.

Meanwhile, the earth-shattering screams from the Dou residence, as the youngest son was beaten to the point where he couldn’t get out of bed for half a month, became a trivial matter.

The Emperor did not visit the Dou residence.

Though he had wanted to show respect to his brother-in-law, the Empress Dou had asked him not to bestow too much honor upon her brother. Prime Minister Dou was a cautious man, but who knew how his family might react if they became too arrogant?

The old emperor naturally complied with the empress’s wishes. Though he didn’t attend in person, he sent a gift through the head eunuch.

Upon returning, the head eunuch couldn’t help but share the strange happenings at the Dou residence with the emperor:

“At today’s betrothal ceremony, Prime Minister Dou only prepared a modest dowry. Surprisingly, the Minister of Ministry of Rites was not upset. Instead, they both started speaking in unison at the entrance, discussing how the current customs have been influenced by the late dynasty’s extravagance, leading to widespread lavishness and excessive spending. From high officials to commoners, people are practically bankrupting themselves to marry off their daughters.”

“So, the two of them decided to lead by example, opting for a modest dowry and bride price to combat this trend.”

“They claimed that it was the suggestion of the Minister of Ministry of Rites’ daughter. Now, the streets are full of praise for this young woman, saying she’s a heroine who, though confined to her boudoir, cares deeply for the country.”

Hearing this, the old emperor couldn’t help but recall the end of the previous dynasty.

Back then, decadence was rampant. From the emperor and ministers down to the common folk, everyone competed in luxury, indulging in extravagance. Even the daughters of tavern keepers, not yet of age, wore fine jewelry made from glass and pearls.

The glass, known as ‘Biliuli,’ came from the distant Huangzhi kingdom across the seas, and the pearls were from the Daqin nation in the West. The entire country exuded an unhealthy atmosphere of decadence, like oil on a raging fire.

No one anticipated the sudden collapse of the great Zhou dynasty, a state that many thought was merely showing signs of minor decay.

During that time, wealthy families competed in lavish weddings, sparing no expense. The emperor’s dowry for the empress was worth 20,000 kilogram of silver, equivalent to the wealth of 2,000 small farming households. Even princes had to present at least 200 kilogram of gold as a bride price, while ordinary farmers needed to provide more than 10,000 coins.

But it wasn’t just the bride price that was extravagant.

When the emperor married off his daughters, their dowries often exceeded 200,000 coins. Royal family members prepared dowries ranging from hundreds of thousands to millions of coins. Even ordinary farmers had to come up with several thousand coins.

Such competition was manageable for the wealthy, but for the poor, the extravagant wedding expenses were unbearable, leading to widespread debt. Later, infanticide became rampant among the common folk. People abandoned or drowned newborns, regardless of gender, because the cost of raising children was too high. The government tried to stop it, but to no avail.

The old emperor sighed, “Oh, the hardships of life… When I was young, our family had only a few acres of poor land, yet they could still send me to school. But after my elder brother got married and my sister was married off, our family fell into ruin, and I had to sell myself into slavery just to eat.”

The old emperor never shied away from discussing his humble beginnings; in fact, he was rather proud of it, often bringing it up.

Who else could rise from being a slave to becoming an emperor?

Who! Else!

But while the emperor could boast, the head eunuch dared not respond, choosing to remain silent.

After his lament, the old emperor ordered, “Instruct the Hanlin Academy to draft a decree to curb extravagance in weddings and marriages across the country.”

— The previous reward for Xu Yanmiao was an “edict,” but now it’s a “decree,” which carries a different weight.

Once the emperor uses the term “decree,” it becomes an official document, announced to the entire nation.

“Also, relay my oral command: Minister of Ministry of Rites Li Qingyun has taught his daughter well. Reward… Li for her virtuous conduct and wisdom…”

After giving these orders, the emperor felt much more at ease. Just then, a palace attendant reported, “Concubine Zhang received the emperor’s earlier order and requested an audience. She also heard that the emperor has been sitting in the hall for a long time today and is worried that he hasn’t eaten, so she’s brought garlic noodles for you…”

The head eunuch couldn’t help but admire Concubine Zhang’s cleverness.

Due to the emperor’s background, he favored simple, common foods. If Concubine Zhang had brought some fancy pastries or soups, the emperor would have likely rebuked her. But this was not surprising—Concubine Zhang was the emperor’s first concubine from his days as a military officer and knew his tastes well.

The old emperor nodded slightly, and the garlic noodles were presented before him. He ate several bites and, while eating, asked the head eunuch, “Is there any other interesting news?”

The head eunuch smiled and said, “There is indeed an amusing anecdote.”

The old emperor took another bite of garlic: “Oh?”

The head eunuch replied, “After the betrothal ceremony, screams were heard from the Dou residence. It turns out, Prime Minister Dou was chasing and beating his youngest son with a spiked club.”

The old emperor suddenly perked up and reached for a tray of sunflower seeds on the table: “What happened?”

The head eunuch recounted what he had heard: “It seems that Prime Minister Dou discovered his son’s involvement in a dispute with the heir of the Prince of Jibei over a courtesan.”

The old emperor blurted out, “Is that all?”

He had thought it was some dramatic family feud, but it turned out to be just a rivalry over a courtesan? And not even between father and son, but with the heir of the Prince of Jibei, who wasn’t even related?

He had prepared the sunflower seeds for this?

Xu Yanmiao was still the best—he never disappointed the emperor.