Chapter 23: Alas! Among Three, There Must Be One Who Can Teach Me!

Aphrodisiac?!

What kind of aphrodisiac?!

Not only was Xu Yanmiao excited, but so were the old emperor and the Ministry of War official.

A temple! Aphrodisiac! Putting these two words together—

There’s got to be a huge scandal!

As the excitement built up, something started to feel off.

The old emperor and the Ministry of War official simultaneously hung their heads, their expressions becoming increasingly complex.

Why are we getting excited over this? What business is it of ours?!

Beside them, the 46-year-old Lord Ji had already closed his eyes in resignation, his lips moving slightly, unsure whether he was speaking or just breathing through his mouth.

Could it be that the person who took the aphrodisiac is…

“Thud—”

The old emperor collapsed.

“Thud—”

The Ministry of War official collapsed.

On that day, in Yulong Temple, many high-ranking officials who had come to accompany their wives, concubines, or female relatives to pray for children heard a very familiar voice explode in their minds—

[Help!!!]

[Protect the emperor!!!]

Protect the emperor?!

Is there an assassin trying to kill the emperor?!

“Did he say ‘protect the emperor’? Bai Ze was shouting to protect the emperor, wasn’t he? Where’s His Majesty?! He should at least say where he is!”

“My goodness, what on earth is happening?! Help, help!”

[Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!]

[The old emperor! Lord Ji! And Lian Hang… the back mountain! Why are they at the back mountain?!]

The back mountain!!!

“Quick, quick, quick!”

“Wait for me, these old bones of mine…”

A group of officials, looking utterly panicked, bolted towards the back mountain, shouting for someone to summon the guards from outside the temple.

Your Majesty! We’re coming! Hang in there!

[Ahhhhhh—block it, block it, block it—]

[System, block it for me! I don’t want to see this kind of thing!!!]

“I told you to block it, did you hear me?”

“Even if it’s just a text version, I don’t want to see it! Who wants to know if two old men are lifting their heads or not? Ahhhh! Even if it’s not old men, I still don’t want to know! I just don’t want to know about these things!”

The voice in his mind was practically a torment, tearing at his very soul.

The only ones who wanted those images blocked more than Xu Yanmiao were the disheveled officials, covered in filth.

They slowly stopped in their tracks.

“Heads? What heads?”

“Ahhhh! No metaphors either! I don’t want to know who’s picking up jade stones, and I definitely don’t want to know who’s using their hands to touch cooked shrimp!”

“Cooked shrimp?”

Could it be…

Someone blurted out, “…Drugs?” before quickly shutting their mouth.

So there wasn’t an assassination attempt, it’s just that… someone took those little red pills?

“No! Don’t compare sizes with your fingers! I’m not interested in that! Not interested at all! Do you hear me? System, block it for me!”

Many officials crouched down and covered their ears.

No! They also didn’t want to know which one between the emperor and Lord Ji was as firm as jade, ahhh!

Surely, anyone who came to the temple today is going to face some serious consequences later!

Help!!!

The officials wore expressions of sheer torment.

Some of them hugged stones and banged their heads against them, grinning happily before they passed out.

Others, not daring to be so harsh on themselves, resorted to slapping their own faces repeatedly: “Serves you right for coming today! Serves you right for coming today!”

It’s almost the New Year, what are you doing coming here to pray? Showing off that you have some extra cash to burn on incense? Why couldn’t you just stay in your office and work like everyone else?

Meanwhile, some officials slumped to the ground, horrified but still managing to think: “So that’s why…”

Even from such a distance, from the back mountain to the main hall, they could still hear Xu Yanmiao’s inner thoughts. So, when Xu Yanmiao screams in his mind, does the range of his thoughts expand?

…

The emperor and the other two were even more despairing.

What are you screaming for!

We don’t want to be forced into comparing sizes either, okay!

Why is it that after drinking the same pot of tea, Xu Yanmiao, that irritating guy, somehow didn’t get affected?

…Oh, right, he never drinks tea.

The emperor felt himself breaking into a sweat, almost ready to pass out from the heat.

He was sixty-three years old!

Who in their right mind would give a sixty-three-year-old man a stimulant? What if it killed him?

Xu Yanmiao cautiously walked over, carefully asking, “Are you… okay?”

What do I do now?

This is a Buddhist temple; where am I going to find someone to give them an antidote?!

The emperor is sixty-three years old, staying hard for so long—is that really okay? Will he die from holding it in?

Lian Hang is still young; what if he gets hurt from holding it in? He only just got married and doesn’t have any kids yet!

And then there’s Lord Ji, he’s already forty-six! After being happily married for so many years, is he going to lose his chastity now?!

Lian Hang was desperately trying to hold down the hem of his robe; he really didn’t want to become a pervert and perform a “Dragon Rising” move in public. Hearing Xu Yanmiao’s thoughts, his eyes instantly filled with tears.

Xu Lang! At a time like this, there’s no need to mention me! Just worry about the emperor and Lord Ji. I’m just a minor official, I’m not worthy! Besides, there are still many other officials here in the temple… boohoo…

I’m still young! I don’t want to die of shame… boohoo…

The emperor and Ji Sui: ?

Do you think we wanted this?!

Xu Yanmiao was still fretting.

Why is his face so red?! Damn it! Could it be that the poison has already spread to his lungs or something?!

The emperor took a couple of deep breaths, “Shut… shut up!!!”

He still had some dignity left!

Xu Yanmiao immediately covered his mouth.

The emperor quickly realized his mistake. If someone covers their mouth, it just makes their thoughts even…

Where can I find someone to neutralize the effects of the drug for them?!

And this is the back mountain; even if we try to get them to a meditation room, there’s no time! So does that mean it’s going to happen outdoors?!

One emperor, one grand academician, one official of the Ministry of War—having a wild time in the sacred grounds of Buddhism—is this really okay?

Should I at least prepare some curtains to cover them? It would be inappropriate for them to be so exposed, right?

Ji Sui’s face contorted as he closed his eyes in despair.

He was definitely taking leave after this! He wouldn’t come out until after the New Year!

But, of course, the top priority is still finding someone!

The officials: !!!

They did have female family members with them, but…

Is it worse to wear a green hat or to be a loyal subject? This is a tough choice!

—Whether you’re putting the hat on yourself or on your son-in-law/brother-in-law, it’s going to be disastrous either way!

If nothing else works, should I find a man? After all, whether it’s a pill or a potion, they’re just dead objects. Surely they’re not intelligent enough to distinguish between genders, right?

The officials, who were previously touching their heads, now instinctively covered their butts.

This… this…

Is the risk of loyalty a bit too high?

One sixty-nine-year-old elder official, who had been a loyal servant all his life, wore an expression that shifted from struggle to resolve.

“Your Majesty!”

“Your servant is here!”

He began climbing up the mountain with his old arms and legs.

The emperor had no idea that he had such a loyal subject.

At this moment, he was simply hesitating, pondering whether he should look at the Minister of War and Ji Sui.

Maybe… use them?

Both of them tensed up, their swollen parts throbbing painfully, as they almost lost control.

The emperor: Forget it, making my ministers share my bed would not sound good if it got out.

Then he turned his gaze toward the scholar.

A moment ago, he thought this person was great—speaking well, sharing similar values, and having a pure character—but now…

His gaze slowly grew more critical.

“This scent is too strong; who knows how many sachets he’s carrying around. It’s overwhelming.”

“And why put on so much powder? I get that you want your skin to look fairer, but isn’t this a bit too effeminate?”

And then…

The gentleman was trying hard to hold in his need to relieve himself, his face turning pale and flushed alternately.

Could it be… does the emperor know that he’s about to wet himself?!

“My lord!!!” Xu Yanmiao’s voice suddenly rose.

The gentleman’s face twisted in horror, nearly losing control.

The old emperor struggled to speak, “What is it?”

Xu Yanmiao: “I have an idea.”

The old emperor: “I think I know what you’re suggesting… but… let me think about it a bit more.”

He had been straight his entire life, and suddenly expecting him to engage with another man… It was a psychological hurdle he couldn’t easily overcome.

…Physically, it might not be easy either.

What? The old emperor actually figured it out? And he’s still thinking it over? Well, yes, even if it’s the emperor, doing something like that in public…

Do… what?!

The old emperor suddenly straightened up.

Ji Sui’s eyes brightened with joy.

The Minister of War staggered to his feet, ready to find a place.

The three of them were simultaneously elated: This might actually work!

…

The gentleman was left dumbfounded as he watched the four of them rush off: “???” What’s going on here! Lord Ji, why are you leaving too? Look at me, Lord Ji!

“…” Forget it. He struggled to stand, glancing around. He would deal with his own urgent business first, then go find the emperor and Lord Ji!

…

Xu Yanmiao covered his ears and eyes, facing away from them: “Don’t worry! I’m not looking or listening!”

The three: “…”

Enough! You might as well just stand guard openly!

Given the situation…

Their gazes met in mid-air, and they could see the mutual embarrassment.

Then, the three of them sat around a tree, each with their backs to the trunk, unable to see each other.

After about a quarter of an hour, they all gradually felt better.

But…

The old emperor sat there, expressionless.

Ji Sui leaned against the tree, resting his eyes.

The Minister of War’s face was full of hesitation.

They remained motionless, none of them willing to get up first.

Another quarter of an hour passed, and the Minister of War shed bitter tears as he stood up.

After a while, Xu Yanmiao’s inner voice reached them — he was actually conversing with the Minister of War.

They’re already done in just two quarters of an hour?

Is that long or short?

The old emperor and Ji Sui stared coldly into the air ahead of them.

Yes, this is why they hadn’t stood up yet.

— As for the Minister of War, he couldn’t offend either of these bigwigs, so he had no choice but to sacrifice his own reputation.

After another quarter of an hour.

The old emperor discreetly rubbed his numb backside.

Ji Sui massaged his sore legs.

After half an hour.

The old emperor gritted his teeth, trying not to make any sudden moves.

A moment of struggle flashed in Ji Sui’s eyes.

He knew he couldn’t let the emperor lose face, but… this was a matter of a man’s pride…

But then…

Never mind, half an hour should be enough.

Ji Sui stood up shakily.

The old emperor was delighted.

Ji Sui only took half an hour, so surely, after a whole hour, I’ll be able to show my true strength!

After an hour.

Xu Yanmiao’s inner voice reached them again.

Still not done yet?

Is he really that enduring?

Huh? Why are all those officials standing still halfway up the mountain? Could it be they realized the emperor is here and want to pay their respects but don’t want to give away his location, so they’re pretending to bump into him by chance?

But there are way too many of them for that; the emperor isn’t stupid.

The old emperor, who had felt it was enough and was about to stand up, immediately sat back down.

An hour isn’t enough!

All those ministers are watching!