Chapter 105

His wrist was held, but Qin Qingzhuo didn’t rush to pull away, leaning in to kiss Jiang Ji. “Don’t be so serious…”

He tried to steer the conversation towards something that would make both of them happy.

However, this time Jiang Ji refused to go along—Jiang Ji held onto both of his wrists with one hand, and with the other lightly lifted his chin, calling out again, “Qin Qingzhuo.”

In the past, when talking about this matter, Jiang Ji always had a coaxing, negotiating tone, and as soon as he sensed Qin Qingzhuo’s evasion and resistance, he would quickly soften and stop halfway.

But now he looked very serious, so serious that he seemed a bit stern, as if he had made up his mind to push this topic forward.

“You said it yourself,” Jiang Ji looked at him and said, “that lovers should be involved in each other’s lives, and when things come up, they should discuss them together. Why can’t we discuss this matter together?”

Qin Qingzhuo fell silent and stopped trying to kiss him.

Indeed, he had said these words just a few days ago, and he couldn’t deny them now. He couldn’t refuse to do what he had asked Jiang Ji to do. Originally, he had decided to keep dragging it out until the day of the finals, but now it seemed that wouldn’t work.

After a moment, he sighed softly and said, “Jiang Ji, I just don’t want to do this backup vocals. Every time you ask me, I express my refusal. I don’t understand, why do you insist on forcing me to do something I don’t want to do? If there’s something you don’t want to do, I would never repeatedly persuade you to do it.”

Jiang Ji let go of his wrist, and the two stood facing each other, finally beginning to have a serious and straightforward conversation about this topic for the first time.

It was like the elephant in the room, it had always been there, but before, they had chosen to ignore it.

And now they dared to reach out and touch it, to talk about it.

“What if I don’t want to go to college?” Jiang Ji said. “I just want to go back to the days of singing at the bar. Would you choose to indulge me or persuade me?”

“That’s different,” Qin Qingzhuo frowned slightly. “Whether or not you go to college is very important for your life, but whether or not I do this backup vocals, for both you and me, it’s not that important.”

“I thought we were discussing more than just this backup vocals,” Jiang Ji said. “It’s about when you can overcome your psychological barriers and sing again.”

Qin Qingzhuo fell silent again.

Jiang Ji realized he was touching on the core issue, because Qin Qingzhuo’s frown deepened and his expression became more serious.

For a moment, he wanted to reach out and smooth out the wrinkles on Qin Qingzhuo’s forehead, but he clenched his fingers, restraining his impulse.

He had finally made Qin Qingzhuo face this issue head-on, and he couldn’t afford to fail because of soft-heartedness. He had to be firm and be the one to push Qin Qingzhuo.

However, this statement made Qin Qingzhuo feel intensely uncomfortable. He took a deep breath before speaking, “Jiang Ji, I thought I’ve told you about my illness. It’s a physical condition, related to the Eustachian tube and ears, not caused by psychological reasons.”

“You’ve had surgery,” Jiang Ji remained calm, “The physical issues have been mostly resolved by the doctors, but unless the psychological issues are addressed, you’ll never be able to completely overcome this illness.”

As these words came out, the phrase he had heard countless times from doctors, “This illness may not be completely curable,” popped into Qin Qingzhuo’s mind. He didn’t understand why now, even Jiang Ji was emphasizing this point to him—clearly the one thing he resisted the most.

“Are you a doctor?” His emotions suddenly became unstable, and he raised his voice in frustration, “Why are you diagnosing me like this?!”

Immediately realizing his loss of control, he ran his fingers through his hair and forced himself to calm down, “I… I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay,” Jiang Ji couldn’t help himself and reached out to pat his hair, his voice softening, “You can vent your emotions to me however you want, it’s okay, you don’t have to hold back.”

With his head bowed, Qin Qingzhuo shook it a few times, trying to end this uncomfortable topic, “Jiang Ji, let’s not talk about this, okay? Honestly, I’ve been pretty happy since I’ve been with you. Why do we have to bring this up…”

His voice was soft, even tinged with a hint of vulnerability and pleading. Jiang Ji was sure that if he just said “Let’s not talk about it” right now, Qin Qingzhuo would reach out to hug him, and then they would quickly return to their previous affectionate interaction, kissing, indulging, and being intimate.

But suddenly he felt that this kind of happiness was too fragile.

Just like now, it was so fragile that just mentioning this topic had already caused cracks to appear in the happiness between them.

He was even less willing to return to this fragile, somewhat false happiness.

Gathering himself, he returned to his pace, looking at Qin Qingzhuo and said, “I just feel like you’ve been avoiding this issue all along, and that’s not a solution. You’ll always be trapped by this, and mentioning it will always make you unhappy…”

“So you have to keep discussing this topic, right?” Qin Qingzhuo interrupted him, looking up at him.

Jiang Ji’s persistence made him increasingly uneasy and agitated.

At the same time, Jiang Ji also saw the growing agitation and unease in him, as if he had returned to the state he was in after coming down from the stage that day, except now, instead of the role of the villain being played by Shi Yao, it was himself.

“Yeah,” Jiang Ji looked at him and said, “Since we’ve brought it up, I think we should talk it through today.”

After staring at him for a few seconds, Qin Qingzhuo nodded, “Okay, let’s talk it through.”

After a pause, he continued, “Then let me ask you, Jiang Ji, why can’t I avoid it? Do you think everyone in this world should be like you, and when they encounter something, they must bear it themselves? Let me tell you, it’s not like that. Even if I don’t sing, I can still make music, be a producer, and open a studio. My life hasn’t become bad because I can’t sing, on the contrary, I feel particularly relaxed and happy now. So why do I have to sing again? Why do I have to stand on stage and face everyone’s scrutiny and judgment?”

“But I’ve seen you truly happy,” Jiang Ji looked into his eyes and said, “That night when you talked about the concerts you’ve held and the songs you’ve sung, you were happier than ever. And a few months ago when you took me to the music festival, after playing the guitar on stage, you said to the audience, ‘Thank you for still remembering me.’ If you really didn’t care about those things, you wouldn’t have said that. I’ve also seen you sing…”

“Stop!” Qin Qingzhuo interrupted him again.

He had completely lost control, his tone more agitated than before.

It was as if he had returned to that time four years ago, where he would quickly sink into melancholy whenever someone mentioned his ears.

Over the years, he had tried hard to make himself appear less concerned about this matter, and he had indeed succeeded. Even if someone mentioned it, he could pretend to be indifferent and unconcerned. But now, Jiang Ji was ruthlessly, nakedly tearing apart his facade.

He didn’t understand why Jiang Ji insisted on bringing up these topics, especially when no one had dared to say such things in front of him for these past few years.

This was his wound, and even his friends knew not to easily peel back the scab of that never-healed injury. Why would Jiang Ji, as his closest lover, have the heart to poke directly at his wound?

Was it because he had been too lenient, too nonchalant, making Jiang Ji mistakenly think that he wouldn’t feel any pain?

But he was in agony; just mentioning this matter was excruciating. He just wanted to quickly end this conversation that caused him so much pain.

Qin Qingzhuo closed his eyes, trying hard to stabilize his emotions a bit, “So, you’re determined to force me like this?”

He hoped Jiang Ji could see that he was in pain and then stop and hug him. However, Jiang Ji stubbornly refused to follow his wishes.

“If making you sing again is considered forcing you, then yes, I want to force you, force you until you’re willing to face this matter,” Jiang Ji said in a low, firm voice.

The pain grew sharper, piercing through the scab on the wound. It followed the nerves, densely wrapping around the heart. Qin Qingzhuo took a deep breath before he could continue speaking, “What if I just don’t want to face it? Won’t you regret it, Jiang Ji?”

“If something is right in my eyes,” Jiang Ji said, “I will persist in doing it.”

“But I regret it…” Qin Qingzhuo muttered softly.

“Regret what?”

“Regret that night, regret drinking, regret bringing up those topics with you. So why did I drink that night?” Qin Qingzhuo’s voice was almost a whisper, bordering on self-reproach as he traced the reasons, “Yes, maybe I shouldn’t have let you record the fingerprint…”

If they hadn’t recorded the fingerprint, their moods wouldn’t have been so good, they wouldn’t have suddenly thought of drinking, and they certainly wouldn’t have brought up those topics…

Jiang Ji’s gaze changed slightly, suspecting that he might have misheard.

That night when Qin Qingzhuo held his hand to record the fingerprint and spoke about wanting him to consider that place as home, no one knew the tumultuous emotions roiling beneath his carefully maintained calmness. It was the most turbulent yet stable moment in his life.

“So, do you regret letting me record the fingerprint that day?” He looked at Qin Qingzhuo, hoping that he had indeed misheard.

“Yes, I regret it,” Qin Qingzhuo lowered his head, speaking softly but enunciating each word clearly. “If I knew what would happen today, I wouldn’t have done anything that happened that day, perhaps not just that day, I shouldn’t have indulged you so much all these days, and that night, that night…” He repeated “that night,” turned his face away, and didn’t finish his sentence.

But Jiang Ji knew which night he was referring to. His brow furrowed deeper, and his eyes became increasingly incredulous.

“What happened that night?” He lowered his voice, attempting to suppress his emotions, “Qin Qingzhuo, are you regretting agreeing with me that night?”

“Our personalities are too different,” Qin Qingzhuo’s eyelashes closed, and he shut his eyes. “That night, I should have insisted on the ‘give it a try’ statement. I originally just wanted to give it a try…”

“What do you mean?” Jiang Ji’s heart sank like a thousand-pound stone. He didn’t know how the conversation had reached this point, but he certainly wasn’t in the mood to steer it back to the singing matter itself. “So, you didn’t want to agree with me that night at all. Was I the one insisting on being with you? So, since we’ve been together, have you always been thinking of it as just giving it a try?”

Seeing Qin Qingzhuo remain silent, an anxious fermenting feeling grew in his chest. Almost interrogatively, he stared directly at Qin Qingzhuo, “And what are the results of this trial? Do you think it just doesn’t work out?”

Qin Qingzhuo remained silent.

“Speak, Qin Qingzhuo,” Jiang Ji’s voice became hoarse, “say what you’re thinking.”

“I am indeed considering,” Qin Qingzhuo lowered his eyes, and his feather-like eyelashes concealed the emotions in his eyes. “Whether we are suitable to be together or not.”

After saying this, Jiang Ji looked at him but didn’t continue questioning.

Facing each other in silence for a moment, Jiang Ji sighed and said nothing. He turned around and walked out of the workspace.

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Author’s Note:

I saw some comments in the previous section asking about Xiao Jiang’s hairstyle. I’ve been forgetting to mention, it’s not a crew cut; it should be called a short and messy haircut (perhaps?). It’s a bit longer than a crew cut, looking refreshing and feeling somewhat fluffy to the touch.

TN:

This one… I think