Chapter 109

The road became somewhat bumpy, and the car swayed back and forth, suddenly feeling like they were back on the way to that concert.

The retreating shadows of trees turned into lines of fans waiting in queues. Upon seeing Qin Qingzhuo in the car, the crowd erupted into bursts of screams.

Getting out of the car, Qin Qingzhuo smiled and greeted the fans. Accompanied by security personnel, he entered the venue.

This concert had been prepared for a month in advance, and Qin Qingzhuo had rehearsed several times to ensure that the performance would be flawless. With just half an hour left before the ticket inspection, Qin Qingzhuo stood in the center of the stage, conducting the final sound check before the show.

As staff confirmed the monitor volume with him, Cai Heng walked over from backstage. His hair was wet, and there was a look of concern on his face. “It was sunny just now, but suddenly it started raining. The weather forecast didn’t say it would rain today…”

“It’s raining?” Qin Qingzhuo was taken aback. “Is it heavy?”

“It’s not light. It’s pouring rain, and there’s no telling when it will stop.”

“What about the fans waiting outside…”

“They’re all getting soaked,” Cai Heng said helplessly. “Luckily, they’re carrying umbrellas, but such heavy rain isn’t much help. How about here? If everything’s ready, shall we let the fans in early?”

“I’m fine,” Qin Qingzhuo said. “Let’s have the fans come in for ticket inspection.”

“Okay,” Cai Heng agreed and added, “After getting wet in the rain, the fans might have some complaints. Make sure to reassure them before the show starts.”

“I know,” Qin Qingzhuo nodded.

After Cai Heng left, Qin Qingzhuo continued the sound check on stage.

Feeling somewhat uneasy because of the rain, during the sound check, he heard that familiar buzzing sound in his ears again. However, when he took off the in-ear monitors, the buzzing disappeared, making Qin Qingzhuo suspect that it was just his imagination.

He had already undergone surgery, and the doctors said all the indicators had returned to normal. There shouldn’t be any problems… he reassured himself.

However, standing in the backstage area of the stage, watching the audience entering one by one, gradually filling the seats of the stadium, his anxiety became more apparent, more severe than ever before.

Cai Heng came over, seeing Qin Qingzhuo’s anxious and uneasy expression again, he confirmed his condition with some concern, and asked very seriously if he wanted to play the prerecorded version from the rehearsal.

Of course, Qin Qingzhuo refused. He wouldn’t allow lip-syncing to happen to him, and he knew that once exposed, he would incur great infamy. He didn’t want to be criticized; he wanted all the love that had once fallen on him to return.

As the concert began as scheduled, standing in the center of the stage, Qin Qingzhuo looked at the fluorescent sticks waving below.

The blue fluorescent sticks formed a starry sea of lights.

The three words “Qin Qingzhuo” were shouted hoarsely by tens of thousands of fans, echoing throughout the vast venue, deafening to the ears.

In the past few months, the media has continuously criticized Qin Qingzhuo, saying he is “on the decline” and predicting that he would cancel the annual debut anniversary concert he has been holding since his debut. Many of his detractors were waiting to see him fail, while his fans stood by him, firmly believing that he would hold this concert as scheduled and deliver a perfect performance.

Qin Qingzhuo didn’t want to disappoint them.

He hoped more than anyone else that he could sing well at this concert — perhaps it was not just hope, but a desperate desire.

As long as he could present this concert well, those lost things could come back. He thought.

But ironically, the most common drama in this world is the frustration of expectations.

During the first song, when Qin Qingzhuo reached the chorus, he heard that buzzing sound again.

It came from his left ear, clear and piercing, continuously and incessantly.

He began to panic — hadn’t he already undergone surgery? Shouldn’t it have been fixed?

This panic exacerbated his symptoms. By the second song, his ears were even more blocked, and the sound in the monitor became weaker, as if it were coming through thick walls. He even missed the beat in the chorus and sang the latter part terribly.

After that, the ringing in his ears became louder and louder. He maintained this terrible state and sang “Fall into My Dream.” This song was Qin Qingzhuo’s breakthrough hit. Every year on his birthday concert, he would place it in the center and most important position to sing, and his fans looked forward to it the most.

In the past, he would always lead his fans in singing the chorus together.

However, this time, Qin Qingzhuo saw that many fans in the front row did not have the expectant look on their faces.

He knew deep down that after experiencing several terrible performances earlier, many people had already lost faith in him.

In fact, he didn’t want to continue singing. However, he was already on stage, and this concert had to go on no matter what.

Before singing this song, he tried his best to adjust his state and asked the staff to turn up the monitor volume to the maximum.

His eardrums were already hurting from the huge volume, but the sound in the monitor still seemed blocked, only allowing in a faint volume.

The main part of the song barely progressed with this faint sound. When it came to the chorus, Qin Qingzhuo took a deep breath and tried his best to hear the sound in the monitor clearly so as not to miss the beat.

Probably because he was too nervous, when he sang the climax part, “Fall into my dream,” suddenly he found that he couldn’t hear anything.

In that instant, his mind went blank. In his panic, he didn’t even think about whether he should continue singing or not. It was instinct that drove him to continue singing out of habit.

It wasn’t until after about ten seconds that the faint sound re-entered his ears.

Qin Qingzhuo heard his own confused beats, heard his own off-key singing, and also noticed the absence of the audience joining him in the chorus.

He didn’t know why he insisted on finishing that song. Clearly, it would have been enough to stop and explain the reason, but for some reason, he sang terribly until the very end, then turned and left the stage in complete silence.

It was only much later, after a long time had passed, that he understood why he had done that.

— Because he knew it was his last time on stage.

He had to finish singing a complete song before leaving.

As he stepped down from the stage, he calmly found Cai Heng and told him that he couldn’t continue singing.

Like settling his affairs, he systematically told Cai Heng everything — how to explain the situation to the fans, how to refund and compensate the fans for their travel losses, including the possibility of terminating his contract with Huan Yang, not being able to continue cooperating with Cai Heng in the future, and thanking him for his care over the years.

His calmness and composure made Cai Heng feel uneasy, and he expressed great concern about sending him to the hospital, but Qin Qingzhuo refused.

“It’s really okay,” Qin Qingzhuo reassured him. “I’m tired after singing for so long. It’s just as well to take a rest.”

“Are you sure you don’t need to explain your ear condition to the fans?”

“I won’t say anything. I don’t want people to mention it later, always followed by a ‘too bad he can’t sing anymore.'”

“You’ll be criticized.”

“Being criticized is fine. At least there’s a memory.” Qin Qingzhuo smiled. “Go on, don’t let everyone wait too long.”

Cai Heng looked at him, but in the end, didn’t say anything. He patted his shoulder and turned to the stage.

Qin Qingzhuo stood in the backstage waiting area and looked at the audience.

As expected, as soon as Cai Heng explained the situation according to his instructions, the audience erupted.

Qin Qingzhuo’s silent departure midway through the concert turned everyone’s disappointment into anger in an instant.

Yet Qin Qingzhuo himself felt very calm. There was a time when he stood here, watching the audience come in, seeing the seats fill up little by little, feeling either hopeful or anxious. But now, looking at everything in front of him, he even felt a sense of relaxation and relief.

After all, he was about to leave behind the identity of “singer Qin Qingzhuo,” and these likes and disappointments would soon have nothing to do with him.

Perhaps because of this inner calmness, even the ringing in his ears diminished, and he could clearly hear the complaints from the audience.

However, after the prolonged complaints, as he watched the audience leave one by one, their faces showing disappointment or anger, a hint of melancholy suddenly crept into his self-perceived calmness and composure.

——In the end, I messed it up…

This banquet that I had eagerly anticipated eventually dispersed hastily and disgracefully.

Can I really never sing again?

What else can Qin Qingzhuo, who can no longer sing, do?

Life has failed to this extent, what meaning is there in living…

Watching the last spectator leave and staring at the empty seats for quite a while, Qin Qingzhuo lowered his gaze, declined Cai Heng’s suggestion to send him back, and walked quickly towards the parking lot.

As the car hit the road, amidst his desolation, the ringing in his ears started again, clamoring noisily.

Is it never-ending? He didn’t know how many times this thought had crossed his mind.

A problem that even surgery couldn’t solve, would he have to endure it for the rest of his life?

Since he had decided not to sing anymore, why was it still ringing? What else did they want him to do?

Maybe it’s better to just die.

To die would be the end of it all, and he would never have to hear this annoying ringing again.

At the intersection ahead, the red light countdown turned green, and he drove through.

Calculating in his mind which method of death would be more bearable, the sharp ringing suddenly mixed in. Catching a glimpse of the truck next to him that had collided, he belatedly realized that it was the truck’s horn.

However, it was too late to brake. With a loud crash, he felt a tremendous impact coming towards him —

The recollection reached this point, and Qin Qingzhuo paused.

The emotional fluctuations were too intense. Without taking a moment to calm down, he felt too uncomfortable. Jiang Ji hadn’t urged him to continue; he drove silently, patiently waiting for him.

After slightly calming his turbulent emotions, Qin Qingzhuo continued, “I’ve already told you about what happened next last time.”

“I remember,” Jiang Ji said, “In that moment, you thought it would be a relief, but unexpectedly, you were trapped in the car, and you wanted to live again.”

Qin Qingzhuo let out a soft “hmm”.

With this part of the past recounted, they both remained silent for a while, saying nothing.

In fact, before this, Jiang Ji had already heard about this segment of the past from Cai Heng. However, listening to Qin Qingzhuo narrate it himself, he still felt a sense of oppression and heaviness, even finding it difficult to breathe.

The car continued to move forward for a while, and this time, Qin Qingzhuo took the initiative to speak again. His voice was low, and the pace was not much faster than when he shared his past:

“For me, life is a continuous process of losing. There is nothing that cannot be lost — hearing, singing, the love of fans, a successful and upright life… The more I want to hold on to something, the more likely it is to be taken away.

This includes you too. I didn’t agree to be with you for a long time because I felt that one day, your liking for me might slowly disappear; it was only a matter of time. Even the cat you wanted me to raise, I don’t dislike it, nor do I not want to raise it. It’s just that its time to live is too limited; one day it will leave me. Instead of enduring the pain of loss in the future, it’s better not to start at all and peacefully live out this life.”

Some questions that had been lingering in his heart suddenly found answers, leaving Jiang Ji momentarily unsure of what to say.

The despair of witnessing something he once possessed being taken away, no one could empathize more than him. Because after Jiang Keyuan disappeared, he had also experienced such a moment of falling from the sky to the bottom of the valley.

“If that’s the case, why did you agree back then?” Jiang Ji asked as he drove. “I thought you had figured it out.”

“Because it was too painful to be apart, and too happy to be together, so… maybe I didn’t really figure it out, I just did it out of instinct to seek pleasure and avoid pain.” Pausing for a moment, Qin Qingzhuo lowered his gaze. “I’m sorry, I was too selfish.”

“So you never really wanted to be with me forever, is that it?”

“I…” Qin Qingzhuo paused for a moment before continuing, “Of course I wanted to be with you for a long time, and I would work towards that goal. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have said those words about two people participating in each other’s lives before. It’s just that if one day you left, I could fully accept that outcome. There’s a saying, I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life with you, but I’m also prepared for you to leave at any time. That’s how I feel.”

Jiang Ji fell silent and didn’t ask anything further.

“I’m just a terrible person, extremely pessimistic and always avoiding,” Qin Qingzhuo continued. “So Jiang Ji, I’ve been forgetting to tell you something. Don’t become like me. In my eyes, you’ve done much better than me.”

The car stopped, they had reached their destination, but they remained seated in the car, neither of them moving.

Qin Qingzhuo’s head hung low, his hair falling over his eyes.

“Everything I said today is my true thoughts, so Jiang Ji…” He clasped his hands together, the knuckles clearly defined from tension. “Do you still want to be with me?”

The engine, now turned off, stopped its low hum, and both inside and outside the car fell silent. Jiang Ji’s extremely low sigh was distinctly audible.

Without receiving an answer, Qin Qingzhuo lowered his eyes again. “It’s okay if you don’t want to. Either way, thank you for making me so happy.”

Jiang Ji looked towards the nearby music festival venue. After a moment of silence, he reached out and briefly held the two hands clasped together by Qin Qingzhuo.

“Don’t overthink it.” Withdrawing his hand, he pushed open the car door. “We’re already here, let’s get out of the car.”