Chapter 74

Tonight, the new resident singer auditioned at the bar, but both inside and outside the Honglu Bar, there were still many people who specifically came to see Jiang Ji.

From Jiang Ji walking down the stairs to him opening the door and walking out of the bar, the screams surrounding him never stopped.

Jiang Ji remained unresponsive, with his hands in his pockets, walking quickly through the crowd with his head slightly lowered and expressionless.

He reached the motorcycle, bent down, and unlocked it. Some people approached him asking for photos and autographs, while others held up their phones to take pictures of him, but he ignored them all. With a slightly gloomy expression, he mounted the motorcycle and revved the engine, riding out onto the diagonal street of the Honglu.

During the evening rush hour, the traffic on the road was slow and congested.

Jiang Ji leaned forward, his eyes fixed ahead, maneuvering through the traffic, overtaking several cars along the way.

The honking behind him blended into a symphony, but he remained indifferent to everything around him.

In these past few days, he had sent messages and made calls to Qin Qingzhuo, but there had been no response. He had already vaguely sensed that Qin Qingzhuo was avoiding him.

But he resisted the urge to confront Qin Qingzhuo because he remembered Qin Qingzhuo’s pale face that night, and his exhausted appearance. He convinced himself that Qin Qingzhuo might be avoiding everyone and just wanted to be alone for a while.

It wasn’t until he saw the message from the program group announcing “Qin Qingzhuo’s withdrawal from the show” just now that he became completely certain that Qin Qingzhuo was avoiding him. Otherwise, why didn’t Qin Qingzhuo tell him about such an important matter in advance, but instead let him find out from the program group?

He had to see Qin Qingzhuo tonight, Jiang Ji thought as he rode his motorcycle.

Ten minutes later, the motorcycle stopped in front of Qin Qingzhuo’s villa. Jiang Ji walked up the steps and pressed the doorbell.

Just like last time, there was no response from inside the house.

Feeling a bit annoyed, he pressed the doorbell several times in a row, but there was still no movement inside.

Jiang Ji didn’t linger at the door for too long. He got back on the motorcycle and drove to Qin Qingzhuo’s studio.

At the end of October, the chill in the air was very evident. The slightly withered leaves on the branches swayed in the wind.

The plain white small villa was hidden in the deep dusk, serene and elegant.

Jiang Ji pushed open the glass door, and the girl he had seen last time, Li Zi, was chatting with another young girl.

Seeing Jiang Ji walk in, both of them were startled, and then Li Zi stood up. “Jiang Ji, is there something you need?”

“Is Qin Qingzhuo here?” Jiang Ji asked.

Li Zi shook her head. “No, he’s not.”

Jiang Ji didn’t say anything, just looked at her, causing a slight tremor in Li Zi’s heart. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Jiang Ji withdrew his gaze. “Can I go in and take a look?”

“Oh…” Li Zi hesitated for a moment, then nodded and smiled at him. “Of course, feel free to look around. Shall I accompany you upstairs and introduce you to the functions of each room?”

“No need,” Jiang Ji said. “I’ll look around by myself.”

With that, he walked inside. At the end of the first floor were the rehearsal room and the recording studio. He pushed the door and glanced inside.

Lin Qi was recording a song inside. When she saw him through the glass, she was about to wave to him, but Jiang Ji had already closed the door and walked away.

Behind him, Li Zi exchanged a glance with the girl opposite her, then picked up her phone and began typing rapidly on the screen as if texting.

Jiang Ji quickly ascended to the second floor. There were seven or eight rooms distributed on both sides of the stairs. He knocked on each door one by one.

Some rooms were empty and dark, while others had people rehearsing and writing songs. They all looked surprised to see him.

Feeling agitated, with nowhere to vent, he ignored those who greeted him.

As he pushed open one door after another, the closer he got to the end of the corridor, the more agitated he felt.

He had never felt so agitated since Jiang Keyuan’s death.

In addition to agitation, there seemed to be another emotion, stuck in his chest, neither rising nor falling.

It seemed like fear, yet not quite. He had never been afraid of anything since he was young, and even now, he was not afraid of death.

However, when he pushed open the last door at the end, he suddenly understood what that emotion was.

Indeed, it was fear—fear of Qin Qingzhuo’s disappearance and avoidance.

More accurately, it was a fear of loss.

He had never experienced this feeling before, and it made him extremely uncomfortable and impatient.

He became even more agitated, with a hint of confusion—what should he do next, where should he go?

Various emotions congested in his chest, making it impossible for him to calm down and think rationally.

Besides home and the studio, where else could Qin Qingzhuo go? The hospital? Should he go to the hospital again?

But Li Zi’s momentary hesitation just now indicated that Qin Qingzhuo was probably here… could there be other rooms in the studio? Should he search again?

Out of the corner of his eye, he suddenly caught a glimpse of a figure flashing past the stairs. Jiang Ji didn’t see it clearly, but he felt a sense of familiarity.

Was it Qin Qingzhuo? Without much thought, he acted decisively and hurriedly followed.

Jiang Ji was tall and had long legs, walking briskly, but the person in front of him was also walking fast.

By the time Jiang Ji hurried down the stairs, pulled open the glass door, and rushed out, the person had already darted into the adjacent alley.

It seemed that the person was very familiar with this alley. As Jiang Ji hurriedly followed into the alley, the person had already turned into another side street. The various alleys interconnected like a maze, just like the diagonal street of the Honglu. If one was not careful, they could easily get lost.

At several intersections, Jiang Ji could only see the back of the person in front of him, quickly turning into another alley.

By now, he had calmed down slightly.

Although the light was dim, he could already confirm that the person walking in front of him was Qin Qingzhuo.

He couldn’t possibly mistake Qin Qingzhuo’s back.

Several meters ahead, Qin Qingzhuo walked quickly, his head slightly lowered, passing through various alleys.

As he walked, he also felt a bit absurd—why go to such lengths to avoid Jiang Ji as if dodging a debt collector?

However, even he couldn’t clearly articulate the answer to this question. All he knew was that upon receiving Li Zi’s message, his immediate reaction was not to let Jiang Ji find him.

Even entering this alley was purely an instinctive act born out of frustration and confusion.

The alley was silent, and even without looking back, Qin Qingzhuo could feel the young man behind him following closely.

Though usually calm and composed, he couldn’t convince himself to stop and have a proper conversation with Jiang Ji.

Before he could sort things out in his mind, he truly didn’t know what to say to Jiang Ji when they met.

Fortunately, he was familiar with this area. Whenever he felt tired from work, he would stroll around the alleys. So, after turning a few corners, he felt the shadow following him disappear.

After walking for a while, he was certain that no one was following him anymore.

He slowed his pace, leaned against the wall, about to breathe a sigh of relief, when suddenly, a figure turned into one of the side alleys.

In the dim light, the figure of the youth, backlit, appeared as a tall and thin silhouette, with an expression that couldn’t be clearly discerned.

Before he could exhale, the breath got stuck in his chest as Qin Qingzhuo watched Jiang Ji approaching step by step.

Jiang Ji came close, almost completely enveloping Qin Qingzhuo under his own shadow, and stopped only when he was just a few meters away, as if cornering Qin Qingzhuo against the wall.

Several meters away, the dim yellow light from the street lamp shone faintly, casting two overlapping shadows on the ground.

Jiang Ji looked down at Qin Qingzhuo in front of him. Undeniably, upon seeing Qin Qingzhuo, most of the agitation in his chest instantly dissipated, replaced by a slightly sour emotion.

He suddenly felt a bit aggrieved, a feeling he had never experienced before. Looking at Qin Qingzhuo, he tried to suppress his emotions, so his voice came out a bit heavy, “Why didn’t you tell me about quitting the show?”

With Jiang Ji’s shadow looming over him, Qin Qingzhuo had no escape. After a brief silence, he looked at Jiang Ji and replied, “It was a decision made just now. The production team will inform you all. I didn’t call each band individually.”

“So, for you,” Jiang Ji looked straight at him, “I’m no different from the other musicians you met on the show, right?”

“Jiang Ji,” Qin Qingzhuo looked away, not answering his question, “Even though I’ve quit the show, if you guys have any music-related questions—”

Before he could finish, Jiang Ji suddenly interrupted him, “Why don’t you just answer my question directly?”

Qin Qingzhuo fell silent.

The restlessness that had recently subsided now surged back like a tide. Jiang Ji indiscriminately held them all, his tone still heavy, “These days, I’ve called you and sent messages, but I haven’t received any replies. I wanted to come find you, but I was afraid of bothering you… Why are you avoiding me?”

Qin Qingzhuo’s gaze fell on the two shadows on the ground, and after a moment, he closed his eyes.

However hard it was to say, it still had to be said. Dragging it out would only torment both of them.

“Jiang Ji,” Qin Qingzhuo said with difficulty, “I’ve thought about it these days, and I think… let’s just forget it.”

“Just forget it,” Qin Qingzhuo said those three words lightly, and a stronger sense of fear than uncertainty enveloped Jiang Ji. Before he could figure it out, it fermented into impulsiveness and restlessness.

“Why forget it? Because of Ji Chi?” Jiang Ji furrowed his brow, Qin Qingzhuo’s earlier words seemed to tear open a wound, unleashing the emotions he had been trying to suppress, “He’s just a scumbag who can’t even control his own desires. Is he really worth your lingering affection? I don’t know what you’ve been through with him, but whatever he can do, I can do too. Why can’t you give me a chance? What has Ji Chi ever done for you? You have to tell me, how else would I know?!”

Qin Qingzhuo’s gaze finally moved to Jiang Ji’s face. He could see the agitation and anger in Jiang Ji’s eyes.

This expression wasn’t the first time he had seen it on Jiang Ji’s face.

He remembered Jiang Ji stopping at the intersection on his motorcycle, trying to flag down a car. Days later, every time he thought of that scene, he still felt a sense of fear and palpitations.

So young, Qin Qingzhuo thought, too young to be restrained.

Being so young, of course, gave him the right to be impulsive and make mistakes.

But after the impulse subsides, how long will the affection that accompanies it last? Longer than four years?

“Jiang Ji, what happened between me and Ji Chi is in the past,” Qin Qingzhuo shook his head, “You don’t need to compare yourself to Ji Chi. As for me,” he paused before continuing, “I don’t want to discuss my ex and my love life with a child ten years younger than me.”

He attempted to draw a boundary between them with the words “ten years” and “child,” and although the words sounded lofty, even he couldn’t think of a better way to put it.

Jiang Ji stared straight at him, his dark gaze carrying weight, making Qin Qingzhuo feel like he had to tilt his head to breathe.

“Qin Qingzhuo, when will you acknowledge the fact that I’m an adult man?” He was clearly provoked, his words more straightforward and less veiled than before, “An adult man who likes you and desires you. If you really think I’m a child, then what were you thinking when I kissed you? What were you thinking when I confessed to you? Or do you actually know in your heart but just want to use these two words to distance yourself from me?”

“Don’t try to dodge the issue with those words,” he emphasized, his tone becoming heavier. “If you’re going to reject me, then tell me the real reason.”

His left ear started to ring faintly again. Qin Qingzhuo didn’t know if the agitation in his heart at this moment was brought on by Jiang Ji’s pressing questions or by the relentless ringing in his ears. Being interrogated didn’t feel good, especially when he didn’t have clear answers to these questions himself. He wanted to end this conversation.

“Jiang Ji, why are you so insistent on me?” he said wearily. “To be honest, I just happened to appear in an important stage of your life. After me, you may encounter many people like me in your life. You may also find that I’m not the most suitable person for you.”

“I don’t see anything unsuitable,” Jiang Ji said coldly. “That reason doesn’t hold water.”

“Jiang Ji,” Qin Qingzhuo tried to suppress the discomfort brought on by the ringing in his ears. His words were unclear even to himself. “If human emotions are like a cup of wine, what you have is a high-proof liquor, while mine has been diluted with too much water, so diluted that you can’t taste anything. Do you really think we’re suitable together?”

“So what you’re saying is,” Jiang Ji was once again provoked, his brow furrowing even tighter, “just because I arrived late, I don’t deserve to receive affection from you, even if it’s diluted affection?”

Qin Qingzhuo fell silent. Under the persistent ringing in his ears, the internal voice began to become noisy again, and that feeling of pressure and blockage in his eardrums reappeared. His hearing began to weaken, making it difficult to even understand what Jiang Ji was saying.

So he strained to hear Jiang Ji say, “Qin Qingzhuo, do you realize that you’re stringing me along?”

“From start to finish, you’ve given me the impression that while I like you, you also like me. You’ve never shown any rejection towards me. You’ve always accepted my affection, even reciprocated it. I’m not someone who’s foolishly chasing after trouble. The reason I’ve been doing this is because I thought you liked me too. But now I realize, it seems like that’s not the case.”

The agitation fermenting from indecision intensified within Jiang Ji, and the more Qin Qingzhuo remained silent, the more this agitation fermented. It jumped and danced within him, causing him to feel restless and somewhat out of control.

“Why do you come up with so many reasons, but won’t tell me the most important one: do you like me?” He was eager to get a definitive answer from Qin Qingzhuo to soothe these emotions a bit and calm himself down. “Is it so difficult to say whether you like me or not?”

He had been certain that Qin Qingzhuo liked him. When he kissed Qin Qingzhuo in the car that night, he clearly saw affection in Qin Qingzhuo’s eyes. But now Qin Qingzhuo’s silence made him suddenly doubt himself.

He had never liked anyone before, and during this time of liking Qin Qingzhuo, Qin Qingzhuo had brought him a pleasure he had never experienced before. Yet at this moment, he realized that liking someone could also be painful, a kind of torment that felt like a blunt knife repeatedly cutting into a wound.

The pleasure Qin Qingzhuo had brought him during this time was so strong that this wave of pain now felt even more intense.

It was only now that he realized what agony truly felt like and why it was called agony—every breath Qin Qingzhuo took felt like he was being fried in oil, every blink of Qin Qingzhuo’s eyes felt like he was being simmered over a low flame.

This mixed feeling of agony and pain came rushing in, making him lose a bit of his rationality.

He had always been decisive in his actions, never beating around the bush, and now he had learned the trick of cutting to the chase without any guidance.

“Don’t string me along anymore, Qin Qingzhuo, can you give me a straightforward answer?” He just wanted to end this bewildering pain, almost decisively. “Say you like me, just admit it. Even if there’s no deadline, I’ll wait for you. Or if you don’t like me, then I’ll disappear from your sight now. I won’t bother you again.”

The ringing in both ears grew louder and louder, making Qin Qingzhuo extremely uncomfortable.

Jiang Ji was eager to get a definite answer from him, but unfortunately, he couldn’t provide that answer.

Otherwise, he wouldn’t have been avoiding Jiang Ji all these days.

But it seemed that the time had come to make a decision. This dragging on was painful for both himself and Jiang Ji.

Should he admit that he likes Jiang Ji? Or should he say he doesn’t? Qin Qingzhuo was torn.

Just a few months ago, he had experienced a failed relationship. Did he really have the energy to start a new one?

The previous relationship had started with gratitude. Did he want to go through such a relationship again?

If the beginning was so similar, did it foretell the eventual outcome?

And even if Jiang Ji’s feelings were not just impulsive, was he really in a suitable state to accept his affection?

Qin Qingzhuo thought of the boy who confessed to him in the car that night. He was so sincere and honest. He should have received an equally weighty response. But in his current terrible state, could he really handle such a fervent and sincere affection?

The words “forget it” popped into Qin Qingzhuo’s mind again.

If he couldn’t provide a substantial response, perhaps he shouldn’t waste such fervent affection.

Jiang Ji deserved the best kind of love, not a diluted one.

The decision was difficult and hesitant, but Qin Qingzhuo felt he should speak up now.

Jiang Ji was right. If he kept going like this, he really would be stringing Jiang Ji along. He couldn’t do that.

His lips moved, but for a moment, he couldn’t make a sound, as if something was stuck in his throat.

He didn’t know why. He had said no many times before, but never had it been this difficult.

He swallowed hard, the lump in his throat rolling, and he heard the sound of his own faint swallowing.

“Jiang Ji,” he heard his own voice amidst the noisy ringing in his ears, hoarse and not very pleasant, “I don’t like you. Please don’t hold any hope for me anymore.”

With that said, both fell silent.

The leaves overhead rustled in the wind, sounding like the drizzle from that night.

Unfortunately, it was just an illusion. Jiang Ji thought.

A few seconds later, he looked at Qin Qingzhuo and nodded.

The words had been spoken by him, and now it was time for him to fulfill his promise.

He took a step back, withdrew his gaze from Qin Qingzhuo, and turned to walk out of the alley.