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Zheng Xunqian had once brought up that night.
He said that Jing Tian had drunk too much, crying and calling him on the street, and then dragged him to a hotel under the pretext of finding a quiet place to talk.
All of this was true.
Alcohol was not a good thing; anything that tempted people and made them lose their rationality easily was not a good thing.
Including Zheng Xunqian.
Jing Tian wasn’t a complete idiot. He would always realize that something was wrong when he was being tempted and toyed with. Zheng Xunqian’s actions were easy to explain; he liked the way Jing Tian chased after him for attention, but he didn’t like him as a person.
So, he neither accepted him nor was willing to give him an easy way out.
In his diary, Jing Tian wrote about being brave, expressing himself, and giving it one last try. But in reality, he wasn’t that optimistic about his feelings. So he drank too much.
Under the influence of alcohol, he became impulsive and aggressive, wanting to confront Zheng Xunqian. But when he heard Zheng Xunqian’s voice from his phone, he was overwhelmed with sadness and started crying uncontrollably.
Over the phone, he told Zheng Xunqian that he wouldn’t bother him again unless he came to see him. After hanging up, he sent his location to Zheng Xunqian and then sat on the side of the road for a long time, lost in thought.
If dirty words were excluded, he actually had nothing to say to Zheng Xunqian.
He didn’t believe that Zheng Xunqian would come.
If he wanted him to keep chasing after him, he didn’t need to do something so complicated; a simple greeting when they met would suffice.
Jing Tian thought to himself that it was because he had always been too cheap in front of him. Shameless, thick-skinned, and easily satisfied, he could easily please him.
That had to change, he told himself; Zheng Xunqian was a trap. From tomorrow on, unless Zheng Xunqian confessed and wanted to be together, he would never bother with him again.
His ambitious plans quickly crumbled because the person he was thinking about appeared before him.
With a furrowed brow, Zheng Xunqian walked slowly to him, squatted down, looked him in the eye, and asked, “Are you okay?” Then he asked, “Is there anything you want to say?”
Jing Tian’s brain was too chaotic at that moment.
After a moment, he struggled to stand up, but his body, which had lost its balance due to alcohol, fell into Zheng Xunqian’s arms.
Zheng Xunqian supported him without saying a word.
In a blurry, ambiguous memory, the only clear thing was the warmth he felt at that moment.
He had said to Zheng Xunqian, “I have a lot to say. Let’s find a quiet place first.”
Staggering forward two steps, he reached out to Zheng Xunqian again and said, “Give me your ID.”
Now thinking back, Zheng Xunqian, who obediently handed his ID over to him, probably didn’t have pure intentions from the start.
After they entered the room, Zheng Xunqian kept frowning, looking burdened. Jing Tian, who didn’t know what he wanted to say, began to babble under the influence of alcohol.
He said, “Do you know, I’ve never slept with anyone before, clean and healthy. You’re safe with me now.” Then he said, “I won’t get pregnant either. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to use protection.”
He asked Zheng Xunqian whether he couldn’t accept men completely or whether he looked at him as if he were looking at a colorful mop, unable to stand up.
Zheng Xunqian frowned, looking helpless, and listened quietly until Jing Tian started crying, then he sighed lightly.
“You’re drunk,” he said to Jing Tian.
“I know, I know,” Jing Tian sat on the bed, hugged his knees, and buried his face in his arms, “I’m drunk.”
He wiped away his tears forcefully, then raised his head and said, “So, it’s a good opportunity to be irresponsible, isn’t it?”
He cried while asking Zheng Xunqian, “Are you unwilling or afraid? I’m very casual, extremely casual, I don’t care at all.”
“Contradictory,” Zheng Xunqian said, “You just said you’re very clean.”
Jing Tian grabbed a pillow and threw it at him.
After throwing it, he cried even harder.
“What’s wrong with trying? What’s wrong with trying, you won’t die from trying. How do you know you can’t accept it if you don’t try?”
After yelling, he fumbled to find another pillow and threw it at Zheng Xunqian again with force.
The pillow fell to the ground, and Zheng Xunqian picked it up, cleaned it, and put it back on the bed.
Then he said to Jing Tian, “Okay.”
After that, everything didn’t go smoothly.
Self-abandonment and compromise couldn’t bring happiness, and the physical pain was real and couldn’t be ignored.
Zheng Xunqian seemed very irritable even when they were having sex, always frowning, seemingly reluctant about what he was doing, and his movements were somewhat rough.
Jing Tian didn’t want Zheng Xunqian to see his crying face, and he didn’t want him to discover the tattoo on his back.
Everything could only be described as embarrassing.
When Zheng Xunqian’s fingers touched the skin on his lower back, his emotions almost collapsed.
He regretted it. Everything that had happened since he took the first sip of alcohol several hours ago was wrong.
Zheng Xunqian asked him if he could take a picture, and Jing Tian told him to go to hell.
His voice was hoarse, filled with tears, and he even hiccupped at the end.
He had cried too much, and his body was tired.
Zheng Xunqian quieted down for a while, leaned down, and gently hugged him.
“Don’t cry,” he said to Jing Tian, “It’s like I’m forcing you.”
Jing Tian trembled, wanting to say something, but he kept interrupting himself.
Zheng Xunqian repeated, “Don’t cry.”
He seemed to have no other comforting words besides these two. But they were effective for Jing Tian.
When Jing Tian’s sobbing turned into whimpering, Zheng Xunqian drew closer to him, his lips touching Jing Tian’s earlobe and cheek.
“Don’t cry,” he said once again.
From that moment on, this absurd physical interaction finally took on a hint of warmth.
The next morning, when Jing Tian woke up, he felt momentarily happy.
He looked at Zheng Xunqian’s face, which was so close, and carefully traced the outline of Zheng Xunqian’s lips with his gaze. Last night, his skin had been intimately connected with them.
It was Zheng Xunqian who had taken the initiative.
How delightful this was. Jing Tian looked for a long time, then leaned in carefully, closed his eyes, and gently pressed his lips against Zheng Xunqian’s.
Their noses touched, causing Zheng Xunqian to move slightly.
Jing Tian quickly pulled back, chuckling softly. At this moment, he felt like a bear cub who had just stolen honey, like a sponge stretching out in the clear deep sea, like a sunflower in the sunlight.
He was a fool who had just kissed the lips of his beloved.
He secretly asked himself if this might be a dream.
Indeed it was.
When Zheng Xunqian woke up, all the beautiful illusions shattered.
Zheng Xunqian opened his eyes and briefly locked gazes with him for a few seconds before his gaze quickly went from confused to clear. Then, he deliberately turned his head and made a soft clicking sound.
He didn’t speak, but Jing Tian understood what he meant.
Zheng Xunqian regretted it.
Everything was fake, only the fool was real.
“You’re not going to admit it?” he asked Zheng Xunqian.
After Zheng Xunqian sat up and turned to look at him again, he said, “You don’t want me to take responsibility, do you? You didn’t say that yesterday.”
Jing Tian looked at him quietly, then sat up after a moment and whispered, “Oh, that’s right. I almost forgot.”
They got up quietly, washed up, and said goodbye.
Zheng Xunqian remained with a stern face, not only refusing to speak but also avoiding eye contact with him, as if burdened with heavy thoughts.
Jing Tian endured the discomfort and pretended to be nonchalant. As he walked out the door, he even waved casually at Zheng Xunqian.
He thought to himself, let it be, anyway, his judgment had always been poor, always falling for the wrong people. Who could he blame?
This was an imperfect but complete period. From today on, if he ever took the initiative to contact Zheng Xunqian again, he would be worse than a pig or a dog.
Perhaps he should thank Zheng Xunqian for being so indifferent, for showing disdain on his face, and for making him so embarrassed, completely turning his self-respect into a joke. Without that, how could he easily cut off this tangled mess and bid farewell to this wrong, one-sided affection?
Back at school, he angrily wrote down those two lines in his notebook, then stuffed the entire notebook into the iron box at the bottom of his cabinet, which he rarely opened.
Several hours later, a new message popped up in his chat window with Zheng Xunqian.
Jing Tian clicked on it with surprise and a bit of uncontrollable anticipation, freezing in place.
Zheng Xunqian had sent him a money transfer.
One hundred yuan.
Not a large amount, not small either, with no note attached, its significance unclear, incredibly awkward, leading to even worse thoughts.
Jing Tian couldn’t confirm for a moment whether this was an insult to him.
He didn’t accept it, hesitating for more than ten minutes before replying with a question mark.
Half an hour later, as he walked in the corridor, he received a reply from Zheng Xunqian.
Jing Tian was speechless.
Split evenly would be ninety yuan, this person was quite polite, even rounding up. The extra ten yuan, was it considered compensation for his troubles?
Jing Tian suddenly felt like laughing. After hesitating, he pressed the accept button. Afterwards, he felt like crying again.
He clicked on Zheng Xunqian’s message, intending to delete him as a friend, but hesitated.
It wasn’t that he couldn’t bear to do it; it was just that he was holding back a surge of anger, afraid that if he didn’t let it out, he might go crazy. He casually changed Zheng Xunqian’s nickname to “trash” and returned to their chat window, quickly typing.
As he typed these words, his fingers trembled slightly, making several typos that he had to correct one by one, taking a lot of time.
With his head lowered, after pressing send for the last time, he took a shallow breath and was about to delete Zheng Xunqian completely when he received a reply from him.
Due to the sudden intense emotional fluctuation, he felt a slight dizziness and stumbled, missing a step on the stairs as he was heading downstairs.