Chapter 44
Gaze

Nagu looked at Hamoyin, who was sitting on the ground with his head down and unresponsive. After revealing the truth, he had been silent for a long time, long enough for Nagu to regret telling him now.

“Hamoyin…” After a while, Nagu cautiously spoke, kneeling in front of him and tilting her head to see his expression. “Hamoyin?”

He still didn’t answer. Nagu dared not say anything unnecessary and waited for him to speak first. She even thought about holding his legs if he suddenly stood up to confront Azuran to prevent him from acting impulsively.

As Nagu grew more anxious, Hamoyin finally moved his head, looking at her with his mouth slightly open but saying nothing.

“Wh-what’s wrong? Do you want to say something?” Seeing his reaction, Nagu became more nervous, holding his hand, which had become cold despite being in the sun recently. “I’ll listen.”

Hamoyin instinctively held her hand back but lowered his gaze again. “…”

Nagu anxiously watched him, but he didn’t know what to say. His feelings were complex, with anger, sadness, and a sense of resignation. As a child, he believed he could escape his detestable bloodline, but over time, he became numb.

The afternoon his tail was completely cut off, he lay in pain, thinking it would be better to die, but that thought quickly vanished as he still held a sliver of hope. Now, that hope seemed like a joke. Hamoyin sighed, resting his head on Nagu’s shoulder, grateful she was with him.

Hamoyin’s vulnerable gesture made Nagu’s heart ache. She wanted to comfort him but feared saying the wrong thing, so she just patted his back. This made Hamoyin hug her tightly.

“I feel so tired,” Hamoyin said, burying his head in her neck. “Do you think I’m ridiculous for being deceived for so long?”

“No… It’s not funny at all. They were wrong to deceive you,” Nagu gently patted his back, trying to comfort him. “You’re much better than them.”

“…” Hamoyin tightened his grip on her, his voice hoarse. “I want to kill Azuran.”

Nagu swallowed, realizing he still felt this way. At least it was better than wanting to die. “If you think it will make you feel better, I’ll help you. We’ll kill him and then go somewhere else, okay?”

“This has nothing to do with you.” Hamoyin finally released her. “You should stay in this village.”

“What does it mean? Are you saying you want to kill Azuran yourself and then leave here? How can that be? How can that be?” Nagu suddenly hugged Hamoyin’s arm: “How can it have nothing to do with me?
Everything about you has to do with me! And don’t leave me here alone…”

“Duogaluo will take care of you.”

“Don’t say things like you’re ready to die,” Nagu’s unease was almost spilling out of her throat. She was afraid that one night, while she was sleeping, Hamoyin would sneak out to kill Azuran. It would be fine if he killed Azuran and escaped, but she feared Azuran would catch him.

“No, I know you’re very angry about being deceived, but, but…” Nagu couldn’t come up with a reason after a long time. She could understand Hamoyin’s desire for revenge against Azuran. It was precisely because she understood that she didn’t know how to dissuade him. So now she could only look at Hamoyin with frustration. “Let’s wait until your illness and injuries are healed before we discuss Azuran, okay? There’s no rush right now.”

Hamoyin didn’t speak, but it was obvious he didn’t listen to Nagu’s suggestion.

“After the sacrifice, Duogaluo will get the medicine that can make your tail grow back. The old wound hurting all the time isn’t a solution, right? It will affect your movements.” Nagu tried to soothe Hamoyin with the gentlest tone. “And then… then we’ll think of a way to get revenge on Azuran after your wounds are healed. So it’s just a matter of postponing it.”

“Okay?” She almost looked at Hamoyin with pleading eyes, hoping he would be willing to relent even a little.

“I don’t want it to grow back.” Hamoyin felt very uncomfortable because he was now discussing his tail with Nagu. “It’s disgusting.”

“But your wound will keep hurting if it doesn’t grow back. What if it causes other problems in the future?” Nagu had anticipated Hamoyin’s refusal, although she didn’t think Hamoyin was different from the people around him. If she had to point out a difference, it was that Hamoyin was much better than those people.

“Let it hurt, I don’t care.”

“But I care!”

In annoyance, Nagu grabbed Hamoyin’s arm: “I haven’t asked you before because I thought it might be abrupt and make you uncomfortable or even make you dislike me for asking too much. But now I feel I must ask because I care about you so much.”

The unexpected conversation made Hamoyin widen his eyes slightly and look at Nagu. The girl was also looking back at him very seriously, her pupils reflecting his somewhat disheveled face.

“Why do you want to become human so much? What happened in your past that makes you feel disgusted by your own bloodline?” Nagu asked Hamoyin clearly, word by word. “I want you to understand that I really care about you, so I am always thinking about these questions concerning you.”

“Don’t ever doubt again whether I find you ridiculous or disgusting. I’ve never thought that way.”

Nagu looked into Hamoyin’s golden vertical pupils: “You feel different from others, and I understand because it’s true. But it’s just a difference in species. There are many kinds of birds and many kinds of fish… You’re just different from them, so why hate yourself so much?”

“You don’t understand.” Hamoyin avoided Nagu’s gaze and tried to pull his arm out of her embrace, but the girl held on tighter.

“Then let me understand.”

Nagu held Hamoyin tightly: “It doesn’t matter if you find me annoying or hateful now. I just want to understand what you’re thinking. Please.”

“Hamoin, please…”

Chapter 45

From the time Hamoyin could remember, he was always in a dimly lit cave with a few torches burning. His ears were often filled with the cries of what he called his ‘fathers’ mixed with the screams and mad murmurs of women.

The reason they were called ‘fathers’ was due to the indiscriminate abuse inflicted on human women by the monsters, making it impossible to tell who the father was. Hamoyin’s mother was the only certainty, a frail woman with dry, yellow hair. Since giving birth to him, the monsters no longer forced her to do anything, instead providing her with better food and warm animal skins.

This was considered good treatment in the cave. Some women who could no longer conceive were killed and eaten by the monsters. The monsters indulged the young ones, giving them the best food and items. Especially Hamoyin, a young reptile, was taken out to bask in the sun every day by a monster.

Despite this, many young ones died shortly after birth. Hamoyin remembered the young one who always slept beside him, covered in gray fur and with a human-like body. This earned it a similar treatment to Hamoyin. The monsters were always particularly kind to young ones with human traits.

However, the gray-furred young one that often chirped to play with Hamoyin soon died, unable to eat or drink, and slowly weakened to death. This saddened Hamoyin for a long time. He sought comfort, but most monsters were busy foraging, and the rest couldn’t understand what ‘comfort’ meant, only piling food in front of him.

This made Hamoyin even sadder. Eventually, he thought of his mother, the woman in the cave. Taking advantage of the monster’s inattention, he crawled out of his nest and ran to her. When the woman saw him, she was stunned and then panicked, retreating to avoid him. This made Hamoyin even more uncomfortable. He couldn’t explain why, only reaching out and crying to her. Perhaps because he looked so human and his crying was so pitiful, the woman momentarily stopped retreating, allowing the boy to hug her arm.

“…”

After crying in the woman’s arms for a while, Hamoyin looked up at her face. Her expression was complex, but young Hamoyin couldn’t understand what it meant; he just felt a strong sense of closeness to the woman who had given birth to him.

From then on, Hamoyin would sneak out every day to see the frail woman. The woman seemed to gradually accept this monster with the appearance of a human child. In this desperate situation, she found some comfort. During this time, she named him ‘Hamoyin’ and slowly taught him some human language. This went on for about half a season.

“Is this tasty?”

“Yes…”

“Then I’ll bring more for you, Mom.”

Hamoyin lay on the woman’s lap, wagging his slender tail. He was happy to be able to communicate with the woman. Unlike the monsters who only ensured his basic needs, being with his mother made him feel happy, just like when the gray-furred young one was still alive. “Tomorrow, I.. outside.”

“Sunbathing?” The woman looked at Hamoyin’s tail. Its wagging always reminded her that this child she had given birth to was not human. Yet, he could stutteringly communicate with her and call her ‘Mom,’ clearly different from the unthinking monsters. Her feelings were complicated. She both loathed Hamoyin and found comfort in their daily conversations.

“Yes, yes.” Hamoyin nodded happily. “Sunbathing…”

The woman stroked Hamoyin’s hair without saying a word. They continued like this for a long time. When the rainy season began, Hamoyin tried to sneak in to find his mother but was stopped by several monsters. That day, many new women were brought into the cave, taken to the depths where the women were, filling the place with suffocating cries.

Hamoyin felt a chill down his spine. He cried and struggled to go inside to find his mother, but the monsters restrained him and kept him in his nest.
Three days later, Hamoyin finally had a chance to run to the depths of the cave. After searching for a long time, he finally saw the woman’s shadow behind a stone pillar. She was naked, curled up on the ground, trembling, her body covered in small wounds. There were also many women lying motionless on the ground, not knowing whether they were dead or just exhausted from crying and had fallen asleep.

Hamoyin cautiously crawled up to the woman and reached out to touch her, “Mom…?”

The woman didn’t move. Hamoyin squatted beside her for a while, then placed his hand on her arm, “Mom.”

“Mom…”

“Don’t touch me!!!”

Suddenly, the woman swung Hamoyin’s hand away. At that moment, Hamoyin finally saw her face clearly. It was covered with tear stains, her lips were cracked and bleeding, and her eyes were filled with deep despair.

Hamoyin was frightened, “Mom…”

The agitated woman screamed and cursed, grabbing Hamoyin by the neck, “Don’t call me Mom!!! Don’t look at me with your disgusting eyes!”
She pressed him to the ground with incredible strength, choking him so hard that he couldn’t breathe.

“You disgusting monsters should all die, die, do you hear me, die!!!”

“Mom…”

“I’m not your mom!! Die!”

Just as Hamoyin was about to pass out from the pain, the hand on his neck suddenly released. He gasped for air like a fish thrown back into water, but he couldn’t hear the woman’s hateful voice anymore. Regaining his senses and getting up from the ground, Hamoyin saw several adult monsters standing beside him. One of them had just knocked the woman unconscious.

“Mom, Mom…” Hamoyin hurriedly crawled over to check on the woman, but the monsters grabbed him and started carrying him out of the cave. “Let me go, let me go!”

Of course, Hamoyin’s cries were to no avail. After that, he never found his mother in the cave again. He knew the monsters wouldn’t tolerate any creature that harmed their young, so they must have eaten the woman.
He still remembered the words she said while choking him. To her, his existence was truly disgusting. It was all his fault and the monsters’ fault. Everything turned out this way because of them.

“So later, I found the nearest human tribe to our cave. I secretly observed them for a long time and discovered they had a ritual to communicate with the almighty Father and Mother gods.”

“I also learned that this tribe was in decline. They even used children and women to try to lure monsters. During one of their actions, I saved a few children used as bait and proposed a deal to the leader at that time.”

“After that, I often deliberately let the monsters catch me sneaking out of the cave. They would chase me, and I would lead them to the traps set by the tribe. The monsters would be captured and killed. This method worked when I was young, but as I grew older, the monsters began to suspect me. Eventually, I was chased out of the cave.”

As Hamoyin recounted his past, Nagu sat quietly beside him, finally understanding why Hamoyin wanted to become human, though the reason was very sad.

“I’ve told you everything you wanted to know.” Hamoyin looked at the silent girl. He regretted telling Nagu everything, but if he hadn’t, she would have been very upset. “I…”

“I’m very sorry about your mother,” Nagu began softly, “but I don’t think you did anything wrong. It’s not your fault.”

“You might think it’s inappropriate for me to say this,” Nagu continued, lowering her head again, “After all, I haven’t experienced what you have.”

“You were captured by monsters. You can better understand my mother’s situation. How can you say I did nothing wrong?” Hamoyin was genuinely puzzled. Although he knew Nagu couldn’t remember her past, didn’t she feel any resentment when she saw the scars on her legs?

“No matter what I’ve been through, I still believe you did nothing wrong. That won’t change.” Nagu held Hamoyin’s hand. “Like you said, I must have been hurt and tortured by monsters in the past, but what does that have to do with you? You weren’t the one who hurt me. You helped and protected me. That’s what I remember.”

“…”

“So whether you’re human or whatever else, I don’t care. No matter what you look like, to me, you’re just Hamoyin.”

“I’m really sorry about your mother. You must have loved her very much, but… but I also hope you’ll listen to me a little, just a little. Don’t keep getting stuck on this. You don’t need to always worry about your lineage and identity. You’re different from others but also not so different.”

Nagu nervously watched Hamoyin, afraid she had said something wrong. “Is that okay?”

Hamoyin found it hard to refuse anything Nagu said, and this time was no exception. But he didn’t understand why Nagu was so kind to him. He had only saved her a few times. This girl seemed to have trusted him unconditionally from the beginning. He had to admit, it felt good. He even began to rely on Nagu’s dependence on him because she was always so accepting of him. She honestly didn’t mind that he had monster blood.

“Hamoyin?”

“…”

“Will you consider what I said, just a little?”

“…Okay.”

“Really?” Nagu moved closer to Hamoyin, excited. “Will you consider it?”

“I will.”

Hamoyin looked down at Nagu’s happy face. Talking to her like this reminded him of talking to his mother when he was young, the joy of being able to share his thoughts with someone for the first time. But with his mother, it was one-sided. With Nagu, she was genuinely happy that he could accept her thoughts. Hamoyin couldn’t help but reach out and touch the hair hanging by Nagu’s ear. “Are you happy because I’m willing to consider what you said?”

“Yes, of course!” Nagu let Hamoyin’s hand play with her hair. “I’m very grateful you’re willing to tell me about your past. It helps me understand you better.”

“Now I know what has been troubling you all this time. It makes me feel like you’re finally willing to accept me.”

“So I’m very happy, not just because you’re willing to consider my thoughts.”

Hamoyin looked at Nagu’s face and finally couldn’t help but smile. “Yes.”