“Should I call the doctor?”

“…No. Prepare the army, no, prepare the soldiers.”

“What?”

“Get the soldiers you can use and have them stand by. We’re going to the Clozium. Right now, get them ready!”

Ail, who had been slowly crumbling, stood up again, this time stronger and more solid than before. The despair that had been building in his eyes quickly transformed into a fierce desire, shining brightly with determination. It seemed that when a person reached the peak of despair, stubbornness took over.

While licking his lips in disappointment, Jessie decided to settle for this much and responded to Ail’s orders.

“We can’t take the army to the Clozium.”

“Not the army, but prepare the soldiers who are skilled enough. They need to cross the border. We leave before dawn. We need to reach the border within three days.”

Ail stood again, staggering once more but quickly regaining his composure. Jessie tilted his head in confusion at his actions.

“…Are you going personally?”

“Yes.”

“What about the palace?”

“You don’t need to know. Find the location where they were seen and determine the shortest route.”

Ail had become calmer. He was much more composed and detached than before. It was better to have a clear goal now than to stay locked up in the palace, imagining things and having fits. He had been filled with thoughts he couldn’t resolve—whether he would find him, what would happen if he couldn’t, and how he would capture him even if they met. Emotions like anger, sadness, and frustration had kept him paralyzed, unable to move forward or retreat. But now he had a clear objective. He needed to confirm his life or death. He needed to find him and see if he was alive. There was no need to think about anything else. If he was dead, then nothing else mattered.

He had to find him. Find him and capture him… and then…

He would figure out the rest when the time came. For now, he just needed to confirm that he was alive.

His right shoulder, which had just begun to heal, ached as he moved roughly. It was the place where his sword had grazed. It was a deep, vicious wound—just as deep as the one he had left on Ruth’s right hand. He was getting back exactly what he had given.

In that case, there was no longer anything to resent or be angry about. If everything disappeared and returned to square one, he could start over from there. Though the past wouldn’t vanish as if it had never happened… at least they could look at each other from an equal standpoint. If all the hatred, mistrust, and animosity between them disappeared, maybe things could change then.

But before that, finding him was the priority. He only wished for one thing: that he would still be alive.

That was all.

—

By the time night had fully set in, Ruth and his group finally emerged from the forest. They decided to spend the night at a large inn in a village at the foot of the mountain. After arriving in front of the inn, protected by mercenaries, Ruth got off the carriage and waited. As he did, Kasha stood up and reached out his hand. When Ruth tried to take his hand, a young mercenary, who had been eyeing Kasha earlier, approached and took his hand instead.

“Thank you.”

With a seductive smile, Kasha thanked the boy and took his hand, easily stepping down from the carriage. Wearing a light pink Clozium outfit, he let his long black hair flutter and began walking toward the inn’s entrance. As Ruth followed him, he glanced back and saw the young boy, his face flushed, staring at Kasha’s back longingly.

“Kasha, what are you doing?”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t flirt with the kid. He’ll get hurt.”

“First loves are supposed to hurt.”

With a smile on his lips, Kasha arrogantly muttered to herself. Of course, Ruth knew that too. Everything starts without any preparation, without expecting it at all, and the greater the joy, the greater the pain. He even thought that he never wanted to go through something like this again.

“…If I could, I’d rather love an ordinary person, have an ordinary relationship, and experience an ordinary breakup. That way, you can endure the pain.”

“The first hurt is better when it’s big. That way, you can endure the second and third. The next one won’t feel like much.”

Kasha murmured coldly as he entered the inn, ringing the bell to call the innkeeper. Ruth sighed deeply and stood next to him.

“You might be too scared to love again. If you’re hurt too much, you’ll be afraid. Don’t pretend to care when you don’t have the heart to.”

Some fools get excited and their hearts race even with a false glance or a false touch. Even knowing it’s not the truth, they want to believe, to rely on… and then when they get hurt, they can never get back up. Ruth, being one of those weak humans himself, couldn’t agree with Kasha’s view. But Kasha also seemed to have little understanding of Ruth’s words.

“That’s their fate. How would a coward who’s afraid of getting hurt and hides away ever understand? Even if rejected hundreds of times, even if they get hurt and fall apart, only those with the courage to trust again are worthy of love. People who are always trembling, running away, too afraid of being hurt or betrayed, are not worthy of love, nor of loving anyone. They’re trash.”

It was a sharp blow. Kasha’s cold and ruthless words struck Ruth’s head like a hard blow. It felt as if he was accusing him of lacking courage. It might just be a difference in perspective between Kasha and himself, but that one blow was too strong. His head felt numb.

While Ruth stood there, stunned, the innkeeper came out and began speaking with Kasha. Kasha rented a small annex with a garden, using the name “Rain Maynon” from the Clozium. When she mentioned the name, the innkeeper looked at her with surprise.

“Are you referring to the Maynon Duke family?”

“Yes.”

“Ah… may I ask who you are…?”

“The Duke Maynon is my great uncle.”

With an elegant and dignified manner, Kasha spoke, and the innkeeper bowed low, looking apologetic.

“I apologize for not recognizing you. Are you heading to Rengetti?”

“Yes. I’m tired, so show me to my room.”

“Of course, please follow me.”

The innkeeper quickly shifted to a humble attitude, and Kasha smiled, seemingly satisfied. Ruth, still in disbelief, followed him with a furrowed brow, wondering how Kasha had the audacity to mention a duke’s name. Following the innkeeper, Kasha reached the annex and casually told the mercenaries to share the rooms among themselves before heading with Ruth to the room located at the farthest end of the annex. When the inn staff placed their luggage in the room, Kasha threw them a few silver coins, then went to the window and opened the heavy curtains. Once he confirmed the staff’s footsteps had faded, Ruth, still stunned, spoke to him with disbelief.

“What are you thinking, claiming the name of a nearby noble family? What if your lie gets exposed?”

“Do you think they know all the noble family registries? If we’re caught, we just deny it.”

From a young age, Kasha had shown signs of being a natural trickster, and it seemed that as an adult, he had fully embraced that identity. Well, it suited him.

“The garden is nice. We could take a walk before dinner. This is your first time in Clozium, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Clozium is different from Karileum. The forest is beautiful. There’s a place with slender bamboo trees forming a forest. Let’s go see it while we’re here. When the wind blows in the fall, the trees make a whistling sound as they sway. It sounds like crying. It’s lonely.”

Kasha’s voice trailed off. Ruth looked at him with a gaze full of discomfort, sensing that he was longing for something distant. They had often fought over small differences when they were younger, but this was the first time they had such a significant disagreement. It was also true that he had been hurt by his merciless words. He couldn’t help but wonder what Kasha’s intention was behind his words, and, unable to stand it, he stared at him until he eventually turned his gaze to him.

“If you have something to say, say it.”

“…”

“Are you ignoring me because I didn’t speak?”

It was a message telling him to speak up if he had something to say, but to stay quiet if it was too difficult. Ruth, who understood this perfectly, reluctantly opened his mouth.

“Do you really think it’s right to jump in knowing you’ll get hurt?”

“That’s not a matter of right or wrong. If someone runs away because they’re scared of the pain they’ll endure, it means that thing isn’t worth it to them. But if it’s something they must risk their life for, then they should jump in ready to die for it. If not being hurt is more important than loving the other person, then that person doesn’t deserve love.”

“You can’t just conclude it like that.”

“For me, it’s like that.”

“I’m different.”

Kasha let out a light laugh at Ruth’s weak reply.

“Of course, that’s obvious. You and I are different people, so it’s natural that you wouldn’t understand my words. We grew up in different environments, and our ways of thinking are completely different. It’s hard for a knight who holds a sword proudly to understand a pimp who controls women. Similarly, women at the bottom of society can’t understand royalty who rule from above. What you see, hear, and need to do are all different, so it’s only natural that the way we view and express the world is different. That’s why I like my life. I can see everyone in this world.”

As Kasha spoke, he smiled with a squint of his eyes.

Ruth dropped his gaze at Kasha’s serious explanation.

“I… don’t really understand.”

“If you don’t understand, think about it slowly. We’re in a foreign country now, and we don’t know anyone. In a place like this, you have to look at yourself coldly. And if you look at the people around you from a distance, you’ll see new things. When you’re too close, you can’t see them objectively. Even someone who’s a complete scoundrel in the world might be seen as a kind, clever, and beautiful child by their parents.”

Kasha, giving a sly smile, moved away from the window and approached the door.

“I’m going for a walk. Rest here.”

As he walked lightly across the room, he stopped just before opening the door, seemingly remembering something, and turned to look at Ruth. Then, he smiled.

“Oh, about what I said earlier… about being trash, that was for you. Don’t worry about it.”

With a slightly embarrassed smile, Kasha finished speaking and left the room. Watching him disappear with a confident turn, Ruth felt a complex mixture of emotions. He felt as though he had done something wrong.

For the past three weeks, Ruth had been wandering around Clozium, following Kasha’s lead, trying to calm his mind. As the raging emotions slowly settled and the anger and despair that had been consuming his heart faded, his mind became clearer. The sharp, heightened nerves began to soften, allowing him to view the world more rationally. With a calm and clear mind, he reflected on the actions he had taken without much thought, the words he had said, and constantly thought back on the time he spent with Ail. The moments when they first met, the time when he almost died on the hunting grounds, his cruel laughter as he tore open Ruth’s wounds, and the sad eyes he showed in their last moments.

Nothing else came to mind. The only thing that occupied his thoughts was Ail Linus, that man. As Kasha had said, when viewed from a distance, he began to see him more clearly. When he was close, it was nothing but confusion, but now his feelings for him seemed clearer. And he started to perceive Ail in a more objective way.

From the moment they first met, Ail had never seemed like a child. He had grand dreams and ambitions, and in his yearning, there was no trace of a young boy. Ruth had occasionally felt a sense of envy and awe towards him, especially when he gazed at places Ruse could not even see. And yet, Ruse had never noticed that Ail, eight years younger than him, was just a boy who had recently come of age, the same age as the mercenary boy who had just held Kasha’s hand.

Ail was emotionally clumsy and awkward. He had lived his life commanding others and receiving their loyalty, and would continue to rule over others in the future. He would never have to lower his head or look at anyone from the same perspective. He was born arrogant, selfish, and domineering. He had never once spoken to Ruth with anything other than orders. And the same went for everyone else. He was the type of person who would never need to ask for anything, let alone beg. One word from him was enough to get anything done, and he had no reason to learn anything else.

Ruth had never realized that. That didn’t mean he had dreamed that Ail loved him. Rather, he regretted not maintaining a better relationship, one that was softer, and one that might have avoided the inevitable end. If only he had listened more attentively to him and tried to understand him, if only Ail had been more honest with him… perhaps he wouldn’t have seen those sad eyes in the final moment.

They were both foolish. Ail had never made an effort to show his true feelings, and Ruth had been too focused on the wounds he had received to trust him, to look into his eyes. He had dismissed every sign of warmth from Ail, every tender touch, and every sorrowful gaze as lies, attempting only to dig into his heart. Slowly, Ruth realized that he, too, had started to resemble Ail, adopting his most disliked traits: doubting people and probing into their secrets.

He had never truly listened to Ail. He had criticized, cursed, doubted, hurt, and been hurt in return.

When Ail had tried to reach for him, Ruth should have asked him something. Not why, but whether he loved him. At least once in his life, he should have gathered the courage to ask, “I love you. Do you love me?” Even if a cold sneer had been the answer, he should have listened to it.

If he had, perhaps this situation would never have happened. If Ail had said no, Ruth’s lingering feelings would have been completely severed. And if Ail had said yes, even just a little, he might have stayed by his side.

Standing alone in the room, Ruth shook his head, trying to shake off his thoughts. It was all in the past now. There was no point in regretting it. He had already let go of Ail’s hand and run to a foreign land. No matter how much his mind lingered on the look in Ail’s eyes, he couldn’t go back and comfort him.

He was a criminal in Karileum. He would never see Ail again.

Looking back, maybe he had sensed this moment when he first hurt Ail. If he could return, he might foolishly go back to him, but he had already cut off that possibility. It was the only way to sever it completely. Ruth was emotional, weak, and stubborn. Unless there was a clear line drawn, he would always yearn for him, wait for him, and resent him. And one day, if Ail took someone else’s hand, he might just kill him.

He had never begged Ail not to marry her, not to look at anyone else, but had silently suffered. He might even end up killing Ail in a fit of madness. He didn’t want to go that far. He didn’t want to create a tragedy where he killed him with his own hands.

Ruth instinctively reached up to touch the pendant hanging from his chest and kissed it.

When would the lingering feelings fade, and when could he let go of this?

He missed him desperately.