“Ah… hiss… it hurts, it hurts, it hurts…” Yao Xi bit her tongue hard to keep from fainting from the pain. She stubbornly held her breath, and just when she thought she was about to suffocate, an intense will to survive broke through the tightness in her chest.

Dying was not as easy as it seemed, especially when she was holding her breath until the very last moment. She had never been more afraid of death, nor had she ever been more desperate to live. She stopped resisting and let the desperate need to breathe pull her back from the brink of pain.

In truth, holding one’s breath doesn’t kill you. It’s an internal battle against the instinct to breathe. When the chest tightens and suffocation begins, the strength to resist fades, and eventually, you succumb to the need for air.

When it comes to suicide, those who succeed often rely on external forces.

Take hanging, for instance. The rope is tied, the person places their neck in the noose, and with a kick of the feet, they fall into the trap of death. It’s not truly self-destruction; it’s the rope and gravity that take the life. Those who hang themselves often struggle, kicking and trying to fight, but it’s fear and regret that drive those final moments.

When you truly face death, nothing seems as important anymore. No matter how difficult the task at hand, there is always room to fight. Perhaps, just perhaps, you can make it through.

As these thoughts crossed Yao Xi’s mind, the eunuch escorting her led her to the palace gate, where two palace maids waited to take her inside.

Ning’an Palace was vast. She had known she would meet the Queen Mother, but the journey felt interminable. She had walked a long way and still had not arrived.

Yao Xi suddenly felt a pang of sadness. The princess had said she had tried her best, but the road to see the Empress Dowager seemed so long. It hadn’t taken the princess long to enter and leave the palace, so how could it be called “trying her best” when she had only exchanged a brief greeting with the Queen Mother?

She wasn’t angry at the princess. First, the Queen Mother was not an easy person to deal with, and no matter how noble the princess was, she couldn’t rival the Empress Dowager. Second, to the nobility, servants were expendable. Killing one to please a master was not a significant matter. It was rare for the princess to go through all this trouble for her.

Inside, Wan Yi was like a child with a new toy, too excited to sleep. She watched the young eunuch being brought in, shoulders slumped and head bowed in such a pitiful, submissive manner that it made her want to torment him further.

When Yao Xi entered the hall, she knelt in front of Wan Yi and said, “Your servant pays respects to the Empress Dowager.” She lacked the strength to resist or the courage to end her life. With nothing left, she resigned herself to whatever wrath the Queen Mother would bring.

“My Lord, your Excellency is so grand. Everyone in Ning’an Palace has waited day and night for you,” Wan Yi said, eyeing Yao Xi with amusement.

Yao Xi felt she deserved the punishment for missing her shift, but she couldn’t understand why the people in Ning’an Palace were staying up late with the Empress Dowager. How could she, a mere servant, be expected to stay awake when her masters were not?

“I deserve to die,” she thought but dared not speak aloud. Whether she lived or died now depended entirely on the Queen Mother’s words, so she kept silent.

“Your Excellency is so generous. Princess Longyi came to Ning’an Palace in the middle of the night just to plead for you,” Wan Yi said provocatively, enjoying the discomfort she was causing Yao Xi. She liked the way this little eunuch defended himself in the face of fear.

Yao Xi silently thanked the princess but still said, “I deserve to die.” It seemed the princess genuinely wanted to help her, but the Queen Mother was too cruel.

“You don’t know anything else but this?” Wan Yi sneered. It was odd. Where had the eloquent eunuch from the cherry blossom forest gone? When Yao Xi remained silent, Wan Yi found it less entertaining.

She, too, was bored with her life in the palace. Wan Yi understood how the world viewed her—no one dared call her the “evil queen,” but many whispered it in private. She was often lonely, with no friends or family, only enemies. How else could she pass the long, dreary nights in the palace without finding amusement in some way?

Yao Xi had become her new source of entertainment.

Yao Xi was different from other eunuchs. She didn’t have the typical characteristics of one. She was a bit feminine, but in a way that resembled a girl more than a eunuch. Wan Yi despised eunuchs, but for some reason, she didn’t hate this one as much. Maybe it was because he was good-looking? At that moment, Yao Xi knelt before her, looking down with his big, black eyes, quiet and submissive, like a frightened rabbit.

“The Queen is asking you a question!” Seeing that Yao Xi was slow to answer, Yan Xi stepped forward and gently pushed her. “Why don’t you answer quickly?” She was kind-hearted. Based on her understanding of her master, the Queen was not as angry as before. If the eunuch answered nicely, he might be able to save his life.

“Ah?” The effects of the wine Yao Xi drank earlier took a long time to come. She was the type who got drunk after just one glass and was a little dazed from the drunkenness, so she didn’t hear Wan Yi’s question just now.

Wan Yi was angry again, but she couldn’t vent her anger. Kill him, but she didn’t feel relieved. Beat him, because the little eunuch’s body couldn’t take a beating. “I’m asking you, other than that I deserve to die, you can’t say anything else? Don’t you want to convince me to spare your life?”

Yao Xi smiled bitterly and shook her head. She was getting drunker, and her consciousness was blurring. She could no longer muster the energy to defend herself. Moreover, alcohol makes cowards brave. Once she got drunk, she was fearless. Now, let alone killing her, even asking her to go up the mountain to fight a tiger would not be a problem. Unfortunately, her hands were like soft noodles and her mouth like the waist of cotton pants. She had courage but no strength.

“You want to die so badly?” Wan Yi snorted coldly. “I want to make the best use of everything. You should come to Ning’an Palace to guard the night tomorrow.” As Wan Yi was speaking, a palace maid brought in freshly made Poria porridge from the kitchen, which Yan Xi had ordered. Wan Yi hadn’t slept all night and had dinner early, so she was naturally hungry, but Yao Xi didn’t notice it because she was angry.

Yan Xi took the bowl and fed Wan Yi a small mouthful. Wan Yi tasted it and said, “It’s well cooked. It’s more fragrant than before.”

Yan Xi smiled and said, “The porridge is the same as before, but the queen is hungry.” She was not just hungry; she was starving. Yan Xi couldn’t understand why she had to stay up all night for this little eunuch. It was also hard for the servants in Ning’an Palace. They didn’t sleep, and though the master could make up for the sleep tomorrow, the servants still had to be on duty.

Wan Yi had a good appetite. She usually ate at most half a bowl, but today she almost finished the entire bowl. Yan Xi scooped up another spoonful and fed it to her master. Wan Yi suddenly paused and asked, “What’s that sound?”

“It sounds like… someone is snoring?” Yan Xi looked at Yao Xi, who was kneeling on the ground and snoring. She was so startled she almost dropped the bowl in her hand.

Yao Xi, who had originally been kneeling, somehow changed into a sitting position with her hands placed obediently between her knees, her head lowered, sleeping soundly.

Yan Xi looked at her master with worry, thinking to herself, it seems there will be bloodshed in Ning’an Palace tonight. She had served the Queen Mother for many years and knew she wasn’t the lawless demon queen who kills indiscriminately as people say, but she also knew she wasn’t the kind of person who would laugh off an offense.

This ungrateful eunuch actually lost his manners in front of the Empress Dowager when she was about to let him go? This hurt the Empress Dowager’s reputation!

Wan Yi glanced at Yao Xi lying on the ground and said with a dark face, “Carry him outside the hall and put him aside. I’m tired.” Now, she would not be surprised no matter what the eunuch did, because she was used to it. When she got tired of playing with him, she would kill this servant sooner or later.

After thinking for a moment, she added, as if not fully satisfied, “Tell him not to come to Ning’an Palace tomorrow. Go guard the cold palace.”

The cold palace was the most gloomy and terrifying place in the entire palace. Usually, no one was needed to serve or guard the night there, but because it was so eerie, guarding it at night had become a heavy punishment. Wan Yi wanted to see if Yao Xi, so brave and unafraid of death, would fear ghosts. After all, there had been eunuchs punished to guard the cold palace at night, and some had been scared to death.

“Send away all those who come to pay their respects tomorrow morning. Including the emperor,” Wan Yi ordered before going to bed. “You can sleep for a while during the day, but accompany me to the cold palace at night to watch the fun.”

Yan Xi nodded with tears in her eyes. From what the master said, they had to stay up late tomorrow night! They could take a nap during the day, but who could sleep well? They had to stay alert at all times, fearing the master would wake up and give them new orders. After helping the Queen Mother to sleep, Yan Xi came out of the bedroom and called the maids to her side. “Let’s switch to three shifts and take turns to rest. We have to stay up late tomorrow night. If the tasks on hand are not urgent, put them aside. Your health is more important.”

“Thank you, Aunt Yan Xi.” The palace maids yawned and dispersed, leaving only Yan Xi and a few on-duty maids guarding outside the bedroom.

---

When Yao Xi woke up, she found her face was cold. She looked around and realized she had slept on the stone floor outside the main hall of Ning’an Palace. It was already dawn, and Ning’an Palace was eerily quiet.

Yan Xi, who was about to go back to her room to sleep after her shift, came outside the palace. Yao Xi was still confused and couldn’t remember what happened last night. She had gone to Ning’an Palace with the Princess Royal Highness and then to see the Queen Mother… but why was she sleeping here?

“Aunt. Didn’t the Queen punish me?” Yao Xi got up and asked Yan Xi.

Yan Xi, who was delivering the Empress Dowager’s orders, pushed Yao Xi aside and said, “Keep your voice down. The Empress is still asleep. Eunuchs are blessed men. The Empress will punish you for being late for three nights in the cold palace.”

“I thank the Empress Dowager for not killing me.” Yao Xi was so excited that she couldn’t speak clearly. What kind of great favor was this? She was only punished to stay up for three nights? Not to mention three days, three years would be fine!

“Go back quickly! And be quiet!”

Yao Xi returned to the Siyuan Bureau happily, sighing all the way. She had thought she was doomed, but she had escaped. It was probably because the eldest princess had pleaded for her. The Queen Mother had likely considered the eldest princess’s face and didn’t want to strain her relationship with the Princess over a small servant.

She thought she should thank Her Royal Highness the Princess no matter what. Zheng Dayun had brought her a lot of good things from Zhejiang. She would pick out the best ones and send them to the Princess later. People should be grateful and repay kindness, especially when it was a life-saving favor.

As soon as she entered the gate of the Siyuan Bureau, Yao Xi felt that the atmosphere was strange. Everyone was looking at her, and their eyes weren’t as friendly as before. Although she didn’t have any close friends in the Siyuan Bureau, her popularity was decent. What had happened today?

Could it be because she made everyone stay up late last night? It must be. Last night, the Empress Dowager had ordered people to search for her overnight. She wasn’t an important figure, and only those in the Department of Gardens knew her well. So, last night, there had been so much trouble that the people in the Department of Gardens hadn’t rested well. The affairs in the government office were complex and heavy. After working all night, everyone had to work the next day. Naturally, they weren’t in a good mood.

Yao Xi avoided the unfriendly gazes of the crowd, quickened her pace, and hurried into her room, feeling as though, if she was even a moment late, someone would rush in and beat her up.

When she entered the room, she was stunned. The place was a mess, as if it had been ransacked. Pillows and quilts were strewn across the floor, some of her cherished books were carelessly tossed onto chairs, while others had been flung into the corners. The only set of cups and pots she had was also broken.

As she scanned the room, Yao Xi quickly realized that all the items Zheng Dayun had brought for her were missing. She hurriedly opened the drawer, only to find that the blue cloth bag containing the hundreds of copper coins was gone as well.

She locked the door before leaving, and aside from herself, the only person with a key was Liao Bing, who was in charge of the warehouse at the Siyuan Bureau.