The wound was nothing. It was really nothing. He didn’t even feel the slightest bit of pain. What really hurt was the sight of Van, crouched down, clutching his head, beating himself up. He wanted Van to know how much he cared.

“Van…….”

He forced himself to stand up, his body stiff with effort. His back gave out, and a little bit of pain rushed through him, but he didn’t let it show.

Van’s trembling became more pronounced as he staggered forward. He muttered something like a madman, then let out a guttural groan. It was more like a sob. Cadel collapsed to his knees in front of him.

“Van, look at me.”

He reached out and squeezed his blood-soaked arm. But Van shook it off roughly as if he found the touch intolerably disgusting. The eyes that held Cadel’s were bright red. The swirl of aura swelled and shrank.

“Stay away.”

“Van.”

“Why are you here? Why…….”

Halfway through his sentence, Van rolled his eyes and put his head in his hands. A terrible headache seemed to be plaguing him. No, perhaps it was Cadel’s very presence that was the cause of his pain.

“Please…… Please disappear from my sight. Never show up again.”

“…….”

“Stop messing with me…….”

Perhaps Cadel shouldn’t have come to him after all, he should have honored his wishes and stayed out of his sight forever. Regret washed over him as he saw Van in pain, but there was no turning back.

Van’s condition was serious. The only thing holding Van up was a slender thread of reason, and even that would not last much longer.

If left to his own devices, he might be attacked by a powerful monster, or he might accidentally kill someone. If that happened, he would become a ‘subjugation target’. Cadel couldn’t let that happen. To have such a horrible end as a reward for following him, he could not allow it.

“I’ll go when you come to your senses. Take away your aura, Van.”

His consciousness had to be kept intact. The rampage was already well underway. It was impossible to stop the rampage with a physical shock as before. The only way to stop it was to help Van wake up on his own.

Cadel ignored Van’s struggles, which resisted his touch like a seizure. He clung desperately to Van’s shoulder as he flailed about.

“You shouldn’t be ruined because of someone like me. Your life is too precious for that.”

“Shut up…….”

“Even Cadel Lytos wouldn’t want to see this.”

“Shut up, shut up……!”

Van’s breathing became ragged. His teeth were bared like an animal’s, and his bloodshot eyes glared murderously. This was a completely different Van than the one he’d seen before. Van’s face was filled with hostility and anger, and it was all directed at Cadel. He grieved terribly, but he held it together.

“Not for me, for Cadel Lytos……. Live for the one you love. I’m begging you.”

It felt ugly, wielding the very soul he’d devoured as a weapon, but there was nothing he could do about it. Van loved Cadel Lytos, and he hoped that cowardly invoking his will would give him the strength to live.

But it seemed to be the wrong way.

“I don’t understand how you can say that.”

In an instant, his vision flipped. The back of his head throbbed as he was slammed to the ground with a hard thud. Van clenched his teeth, ready to snap Cadel’s neck. An expanding aura blurred around him.

“You killed him. You took him from me. You destroyed my love, my loyalty, everything.”

“Cough…….”

“How do you expect me to live when you’ve ruined everything? Mock me, I don’t need your hypocrisy, just be more disgusting so I can die resenting you to my heart’s content.”

A white-knuckled fingertip scraped across Van’s forearm. His red face contorted painfully from lack of oxygen, and he gasped like a man about to pass out, but Van didn’t have the luxury of realizing it.

Van was consumed by a rising anger. His vision went black once more. The emotions that had been building up twisted into resentment and hatred, and then murderous intent. But not before his vision flickered completely.

“Keugh…… Huff…….”

Hot flames scorched Van’s arm. The stranglehold on Cadel’s throat loosened as the searing heat traveled through Van’s skin.

Cadel’s sharp breathing rang in his ears intermittently. All Van could feel was the pain of his burned right arm and the cracked cries of Cadel beneath him.

“I never wanted you to be broken! You want me to laugh at you? How? How can I laugh at you? You were the first person I ever loved in this f*cking world. I, I never once wanted you to be hurt…….”

He could feel Cadel trembling. He could hear the ragged breathing and feel the warmth of his body against his injured arm.

“Blame me all you want, if that’s what you want to live off of…… Yeah, I’ll do even more disgusting things to you. But I’m not going to watch you die in resentment, because as you said, I’ve broken all your love and loyalty. Isn’t that enough? You’re asking me to take your life? Hey, Van……. That’s not fair. Asking me to kill you is really not fair.”

“You’ve already killed me. Or are you asking me to live in a body, a puppet with a dead soul like yours?”

“…….”

“You’ll go to any lengths to mock me. You want to see how ridiculous I can be in front of you.”

Suddenly, a rush of emotions washed over Van. Despair, bordering on sadness, mingled with resentment, became anger, and was drenched in misery.

“If you knew this would happen, you should have abandoned me from the beginning. From the day you took that body, you should have made me hate you. If you didn’t do it then…… do it now.”

“…….”

“Do it.”

His dry, bloodshot eyes glared at Cadel as if to kill him. Cadel stared back, pitifully, at the bitter hostility, and then let out a muffled laugh.

“……Yeah. I’ll try. There’s something I’ve been meaning to say for a while. When you hear this, you’re gonna think…… ‘Wow, that crazy *sshole. I can’t believe I suffered for that *sshole. Now, I shouldn’t have anything to do with a crazy *sshole like that’……. It’s so ridiculous, you won’t even feel like dying.”

“…….”

“I didn’t say it then, so I’ll say it now.”

A warmth crawled up his arm and brushed his cheek. The touch was painfully familiar. He turned his head in defiance, and a low, watery voice laughed.

Through his blurred vision, Cadel’s outline came into focus once more: the expression on his face, the look in his eyes. Slowly but surely, it came back.

“Can’t you start over with me?”

He was smiling.

“Not with Cadel Lytos, but with me……. Let’s start over with me. I’ll be good to you. I’ll try to die for you. I’ll live for your happiness. I swear to you.”

He was also crying. But they were not tears of joy.

“I really, really…… like you a lot.”

In front of his vision that had returned to its original state, Van didn’t know how to react.

“So give me a chance, too.”

He was begging. At the same time, he was resigned, as if he had let go of everything, and yet something was stubbornly holding on to him, refusing to let go. Maybe it was the irritation of his indecisive behavior, maybe it was the sickening smell of blood on Cadel. He was angry. Angry for reasons he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

“You…….”

He muttered through clenched teeth and met Cadel’s eyes. He stared unmoving at the tear-filled, glassy eyes, and then lowered his head, following the broken line of reason.

Van swallowed a surprised gasp. He chewed hard on the other’s lips, moistened with what he couldn’t tell was tears or blood. He hoped it hurt. With a shudder, Van gripped Cadel’s back, fisted his hair, and jerked his head.

Ignoring his groan of pain, Van slipped his tongue between his parted lips. It skimmed across the stiff, dry roof of Cadel’s mouth, lifting a stiff tongue to press against the root. He let the saliva flow without care. He ravaged without care as if reveling in the panic.

He didn’t want to communicate with Cadel. He didn’t want to share his feelings. This was just a one-sided expression of anger, and he hoped it would hurt Cadel.

Funnily enough, though, Van’s simmering rage was crushed by the gentle touch of a hand on his back.

“Huff…….”

Cadel clung to him, so Van held him firmly. Cadel’s lips hurt whenever Van pressed them together, so Van gently caressed the bruised epidermis. When Cadel struggled to breathe, Van parted his lips to give him room, and instead of pulling Cadel’s hair, Van gently stroked his earlobes and chin.

The tangled warmth, the sweet breaths, the damp tears, the desperate clinging. All of it, combined with his heated confession, became a cowardly lust he couldn’t shake.

He knew it wasn’t Cadel Lytos he was kissing, he knew it better than anyone, and he had no choice but to admit it.

“……Van.”

When he pulled his lips away, Van’s eyes met his, anxious. He was afraid Van would leave him like this. His sunken eyes trembled slightly as if the mere thought of that future made him sad.

Cadel forced himself up to kiss Van again, but Van crushed his shoulder. He spoke into that wistful face, fresh tears filling his eyes.

“Tell me you need me.”

Cadel’s lips twitched briefly, then he gave the answer Van was hoping for.

“……I need you, Van.”

And…… in the end, it was this. This was what kept him alive until he turned into a monster.

That man mocked him. That man neglected his true feelings, and ultimately betrayed them. And yet, to feel such a surge of love, perhaps that was the proof of love.

This dazzling, desperate emotion was precious, and it was also exhausting. Van settled down on top of Cadel with a bitter laugh.