Author’s note: Audiobook available for online listening (for the raws only.)

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What would specifically happen, Liu Sizhen quickly found out.

At that time, Liu Sizhen had just finished a chemotherapy session. During the first two treatments, the system had blocked his pain sensations. However, later on, probably because he chose to stay forcibly, even though the system had blocked it, it seemed to work intermittently.

It was blocked, but not completely.

But even just feeling that small part of the pain was enough to make Liu Sizhen’s face turn pale when the medicine was pushed in. In those few seconds, it felt as though time had stretched countless times. He had countless moments where he wanted to scream loudly, throwing aside any sense of dignity.

But he couldn’t…

By the time the entire process was over, Liu Sizhen felt like he had been pulled out of water, unable to even move a finger.

The side effects of the medication made him feel an indescribable sense of nausea and discomfort. His breathing was weak, and soon after, he became so exhausted that he fell asleep again. He didn’t know how long he slept, but when he woke up again, the lights in the room had been turned on.

He struggled to open his eyelids and, as expected, saw a blurry figure by his bedside. Even though he couldn’t make out the details, he knew it was Lin Bosheng. He had lost so much weight that anyone who didn’t know him might have thought he had cancer too.

—Hey, hey, you look terrible.

Lin Bosheng had stubble on his chin. It seemed like, in order to spend more time with Liu Sizhen, he had even brought his work to the hospital.

Whether it was his mental state or physical condition,

Liu Sizhen looked just as bad as a patient himself…

Liu Sizhen thought to himself that Lin Bosheng seemed to be in even more pain and discomfort than he was. It was as if Lin Bosheng could feel his own pain and experience it even more intensely than him.

The pain came from the joints, from the cracks in his bones. No wonder so many patients couldn’t hold on. In the midst of the excruciating pain, Liu Sizhen couldn’t even remember when he had started biting his lip.

Lin Bosheng was worried that Liu Sizhen might bite himself, so he stretched his arm out in front of him, offering it for him to bite…

Liu Sizhen had bitten him once when the pain was unbearable, and after the pain passed, he felt terribly embarrassed seeing the deep bite marks on Lin Bosheng’s arm. For several days, the marks remained on his arm.

He felt guilty.

But Lin Bosheng didn’t seem to react at all.

In fact, Lin Bosheng felt even worse than Liu Sizhen thought. He even wished he could take on the pain for Liu Sizhen.

In his memories, the once proud and defiant little peacock, with its vivid expressions, had become weak and breathless. The beautiful feathers were now disheveled…

He had never believed in gods or Buddhism, always a staunch materialist, but at that moment, he found himself praying earnestly in his heart for Liu Sizhen to get better soon.

He visited a temple that was said to grant wishes, one with a strong incense offering. Kneeling on the mat, he made his wish, but his mind was completely filled with one hope: that Liu Sizhen would get better.

He wished for him to suffer less pain.

He bowed deeply, his forehead turning purple from the force.

If someone had told Lin Bosheng at that moment, with absolute certainty, that if he bowed three steps and knelt nine times to the highest peak, there would be a divine medicine that could cure Liu Sizhen, he would have believed it without hesitation.

He had once thought that people who were deceived by quacks in the streets were really foolish. The sales pitch was obviously a scam. How could they believe in it? How could there possibly be a miracle medicine that could cure all diseases?

From an outsider’s perspective, he had thought that terminal illnesses were terminal. How could people believe such nonsense? Why couldn’t they just accept the facts?

But now, when he was helpless, after searching for so many reputable doctors, after so many expert consultations, all he received was worsening news.

Only then did he understand how painful it was. He even began to wonder if it was because he had brought bad luck to Liu Sizhen. How else could he explain this sudden and fierce illness that came without warning?

And Liu Sizhen didn’t know any of this.

All he noticed was that, ever since he had gotten sick, Lin Bosheng hadn’t smiled.

That year in Changning City, fireworks had not yet been fully banned, so even though he was lying in the hospital bed, he could still see the brilliant fireworks outside. He could vaguely hear children playing and laughing.

Liu Sizhen thought it looked lively, but he had severe mouth ulcers, and could only drink liquids.

Because he had no appetite, he couldn’t eat at all.

Lin Bosheng would bring him the mushy food he had cooked and offer it to him. Liu Sizhen would wrinkle his face and turn his head away, showing a strong resistance to the smell.

It wasn’t that he was being difficult or refusing to eat, but the smell made him feel nauseous—this was a physiological reaction he couldn’t control.

Lin Bosheng could only coax him, trying to calm his voice, but even then, Liu Sizhen could clearly hear the tremor in his voice.

He pleaded with a tone that was almost desperate:

“Please, just eat a little, okay?”

Just looking at Liu Sizhen’s pale face was enough to make Lin Bosheng’s heart ache. He had heard the saying that “the heart is connected to the fingertips,” but it was the first time he truly felt the sharp pain coming from his own fingertips.

Even though he wanted to stay with Lin Bosheng for a few more days, in the end, he couldn’t hold on for long. He barely made it to the beginning of spring before he was completely unable to continue.

At that point, he also felt like he had become a burden to the male lead. The lack of white blood cells made him extremely fatigued, and the frequent chemotherapy treatments caused his limbs to ache terribly. His feet hurt so much that he couldn’t walk, and he couldn’t even turn over by himself…

The food he could eat was already very limited, and he had no appetite. To maintain the necessary nutrients for his body, he had to rely on an intravenous nutrition drip. Even so, he often vomited.

Lin Bosheng took care of him very attentively, hiring a highly experienced caregiver. However, for the more personal tasks, he did everything himself, never leaving it to others.

Even the professional caregiver couldn’t match his attention to detail. Liu Sizhen’s mother had only visited him a few times, as she had started a new family and there was still a bit of awkwardness. His father had never shown up.

Liu Sizhen lay in bed, watching the male lead skillfully clean up the mess he had thrown up, feeling so guilty and distressed that it nearly overwhelmed him.

But every time he thought about giving up, Lin Bosheng would press his head against his chest to listen to his heartbeat, like a drowning person clinging desperately to the only piece of driftwood in the raging sea.

“Don’t leave me, okay…?”

Each time that happened, Liu Sizhen couldn’t bear it.

Enduring the pain, each day passed slowly, and while he suffered, Lin Bosheng also wasn’t doing well. Both of them were stuck in a standstill.

Liu Sizhen was not a native of this world, and he could feel himself being rejected by some invisible force. Even if he tried to stay, it would be futile.

In the end, he didn’t have time to say goodbye to Lin Bosheng.

“Goodbye,” and “Thank you.”

Liu Sizhen left on the eve of Valentine’s Day.

To clear out inventory, many stores began holding sales long before Valentine’s Day. Starting from then, Lin Bosheng brought him fresh roses every day. Every morning, he would open the curtains to let him get some sun, and occasionally he would play soothing music for him…

He had said that on Valentine’s Day, he would give him a surprise.

That surprise… what was it?

So sleepy… his eyelids could no longer be lifted.

[Leaving—]

Liu Sizhen died, on the eve of Valentine’s Day.

Despite Lin Bosheng having tried many different methods, even hiring many experts with a lot of money, one after another they shook their heads and sighed, saying there was nothing they could do… saying it had already worsened, and the deterioration was rapid.

“The fact that the patient has lasted this long is already a miracle,” said the doctor in a white coat, trying to speak gently. “And continuing like this would be extremely painful for the patient… for him, it might even be a kind of relief…”

After observing for so long, the doctor could more or less understand the relationship between the man in front of him and the patient. He didn’t look at them any differently; he was simply viewing the situation from a doctor’s perspective.

Whether the patient or the family member, in the doctor’s experience, their relationship was actually quite harmonious. The doctor had seen many terminal patients whose personalities drastically changed due to the torment of their illness.

No matter how gentle a person’s character had been before they became ill, once they were unable to care for themselves, they often became very aggressive. It was common to hear about patients tormenting themselves and their families.

At first, of course, the family members were willing to care for them, but as time went on, they would gradually become weary. After all, dealing with an emotionally unstable patient every day was very distressing.

But Liu Sizhen was different. When he was first hospitalized, he was very gentle and polite, always thanking the nurse after each routine checkup. Even later, when his illness progressed and the pain was unbearable, he never got angry or threw things at the nurses or his family.

After the first sudden vomiting episode, he apologetically said, “Sorry…”

He was the least troublesome patient the doctor had ever seen. The doctor sighed, “Sigh… actually, this is a kind of…”

Lin Bosheng wanted nothing more than for Liu Sizhen to be happy, but… but… he let out a long, deep breath from his chest, trying to look at the ceiling and prevent the tears from falling.

When Liu Sizhen was still alive, he never wanted him to see his tears…

The man, who had been successful in his career, now felt utterly powerless, with no solution in sight. He could only watch his lover—the lover he had never officially confessed his feelings to—slowly lose his vitality, watching his life fade away inch by inch. This was far more cruel than any form of torture in the world.

It was like a dull knife cutting into flesh. Each cut wasn’t fatal, but it prolonged the dull pain in every passing second, forcing Lin Bosheng to experience it inescapably…

Every day, watching Liu Sizhen like this, he felt worse than anyone.

Sometimes, life is incredibly strong, and sometimes, it is incredibly fragile.

The day Liu Sizhen passed away, there was a heavy rain outside. The raindrops traced irregular patterns on the glass window. Lin Bosheng listened as the doctor beside him offered condolences, hoping he wouldn’t be too upset, saying things like “Please don’t be too sad.”

At that moment… he couldn’t hear much of it.

He just felt an emptiness in his heart, and it reminded him of the day eight years ago when Liu Sizhen left without a word. It seemed to have rained that day too. Every time he was upset, it always rained. Was it the same rain?

Eight years ago, that morning, Lin Bosheng had bought Liu Sizhen his favorite snacks in advance. He had done this many times before and had already learned Liu Sizhen’s tastes.

The sixteen or seventeen-year-old boy walked lightly, with a warm feeling in his chest, thinking about the boy he would see soon, thinking about the candy he had secretly slipped into his pocket the day before… Liu Sizhen always did these small acts of kindness in secret.

Lin Bosheng’s smile deepened at the corner of his mouth.

Then, until he saw the empty seat, the smile on his face froze. He didn’t know how the morning passed by.

In the end, the steaming cup of sweetened soy milk he was holding in his hand had cooled down completely by the time the person he wanted to give it to never showed up, just like at that moment… the ring in his pocket, never reaching its owner.

But this time, things were completely different from before.

Eight years ago, when Liu Sizhen left without a word, although he wasn’t by his side, at least Lin Bosheng knew Liu Sizhen was still alive. Even though he couldn’t see him, there was still hope in his heart, a kind of anticipation.

Back then, Lin Bosheng thought that if he worked a bit harder and became more successful, once he was of use, he would definitely be able to… see him again, and be able to stand by his side.

But this time… it was completely different…

For the next entire week, Lin Bosheng was plagued by a sharp ringing in his ears. He couldn’t hear clearly when someone spoke to him, like a dry well that couldn’t squeeze out a single tear.

After a week, Lin Bosheng gathered all his emotions. He didn’t cry, didn’t make a scene, didn’t fall into despair, didn’t self-destruct. He appeared as if nothing had happened.

He thought he was this kind of cold-hearted, heartless person,

But was he really?

Later, Lin Bosheng unknowingly passed by Changning No.2 High School. He asked the driver to stop, then walked alone into the campus.

The security guard was still the same one as before, though much older now. Back then, he had black hair, but now it was completely white. He had heard that the guard would retire in two years.

The guard didn’t recognize Lin Bosheng anymore but had heard that he was an alumnus. Smiling, he asked Lin Bosheng to register according to the rules, then let him enter.

Changning No.2 High School had changed so much. The sports field looked newly renovated, with green grass now covering it. The school uniforms seemed to have been updated as well. A new classroom building had been constructed, and their old building had become the old campus. It seemed to be empty now, and plans were in place to demolish it.

That day, Lin Bosheng walked the route he had taken many years ago, step by step up the stairs, knowing exactly where to turn. He could have done it with his eyes closed. When Lin Bosheng saw the sign in front of Class 11 again, for a brief moment, he didn’t dare to enter.

He slowly walked and sat in the last row, in the very seat where Liu Sizhen used to sit. He rested his head on his arm and closed his eyes, as if he could still see that proud, energetic young man.

It was as if he could still feel the faint itch between his calves.

Tears slid from the corner of his eyes down his nose bridge, then fell into the other eye socket.

— I really miss you.

In the pitch-black room, the entire screen displayed the video he had secretly taken of Liu Sizhen sleeping quietly when he first found him, catching him off guard. There were also some later recordings, one or two of which Liu Sizhen had discovered.

On the huge projection screen, the lively Liu Sizhen was blocking the camera, saying, “Don’t take pictures! I look bad on camera.”

There were also some other shots, those were the ones Lin Bosheng had secretly recorded before. He self-flagellated, watching them over and over again. This was also the reason why he could fall asleep. Without them, he might not be able to sleep at all.

The world inside the screen and the one outside were completely different. Inside, he was caught in a whirlpool of happiness, having just found someone he loved, with his career flourishing and the future shining bright.

Outside the screen, his face was cold, as if he were a living corpse.

They had met during a cold snap in spring, and separated a month before another cold snap, like a closed circle, or perhaps the ending was already subtly hinted at when they first met.

— Never had the chance to confess to you properly, and now we’re worlds apart.