Chapter 19: Then don’t cry for a while

Nearly night, the light outside the window gradually swallowed by darkness. Inside the room, the orange light, filtered through heavy curtains, leaves only a wall lamp shining, yet it’s enough to illuminate the entire space.

On the wall, pictures capture different facial expressions in various scenes. A hanging oil painting portrays a man in a lab coat, his neck tensed as he leans back, beads of sweat delicately depicted, each drop seemingly carrying the emotions hidden beneath the artist’s strokes.

The emotions conveyed and the visual impact of the scene overwhelm Su Lixu to the point where he can’t think clearly at the moment.

It’s not fear or the sense of imminent danger that he perceives, but rather, a profound “why.”

“…Why?”

The moment Su Lixu asks, he feels a warm presence behind him, a scent of gentleness after a recent shower, yet in an instant, an arm wrapping around his waist brings a dangerously invasive sensation.

“Because I like you, like you almost to the point of madness.”

In the blend of the voice between youth and adulthood, warm breath, and this intense expression of emotion, Su Lixu can’t help but shiver. Frowning, he turns to look at Fu Xingran behind him.

“You…”

His gaze locks onto Fu Xingran’s deep and passionate eyes, creating ripples of disbelief in his confused thoughts. The recent actions of Fu Xingran towards him now make sense, but it’s hard for Su Lixu to believe that the person mentioned is himself.

It’s impossible.

Feeling the increasing pressure from Fu Xingran, Su Lixu absent-mindedly tugs at the apron at his side. His throat tightens. Is Fu Xingran seeking revenge because he didn’t treat him back then, interpreting it as abandonment?

Fu Xingran lowered his gaze, carefully scrutinizing the man whose eyes probably reached his eyebrows, observing Su Lixu’s expression after discovering the secret. His gaze descended, the light outlining the slightly pale face, lips tightly pursed in apparent fear yet maintaining a facade of composure.

Finally, his eyes landed on Su Lixu’s hand gripping the apron’s edge, the knuckles showing faint blue veins due to the force applied, a subtle shade of white.

Beautiful.

“Do you know what you’re doing?” Su Lixu took a deep breath, then lifted his eyes to meet Fu Xingran’s gaze. “Are you trying to retaliate against me?”

Hearing Su Lixu’s trembling voice, Fu Xingran remained composed, capturing every nuance of expression.

At this moment, he had completely separated Su Lixu from the role of Dr. Su in his mind.

“I like you. I want you. All this time, when I spoke, I was talking about you. It’s just that, big brother, you didn’t seem to notice, even though you’re so intelligent.” Fu Xingran once again showed the tattoo on his chest openly to Su Lixu. “Quite obvious, isn’t it?”

On the left side of his chest was a pure black tattoo with the letters SLX. The deep color carried the weight of years, etched into his skin along with emotions.

This was definitely not a new tattoo.

Su Lixu still found it incredulous.

“…Why?”

Four years ago, they were purely doctor-patient, and as Fu Xingran’s attending physician during his hospitalization, Su Lixu treated him like any other patient. At most, he showed a bit more care because Fu Xingran was the youngest patient, never daring to inject personal emotions into the relationship, only aiming to help him overcome the difficulties.

Fu Xingran circled behind Su Lixu, arms wrapping around him, chin resting on his shoulder. His gaze passed over the tender earlobe, falling on the painting on the wall. He smelled the perfume that fascinated him on Su Lixu, feeling completely filled in body and mind.

He chuckled softly, “Because you saved me. Only you were willing to listen to me, patiently wait for me, and accompany me. Everyone else in this world has no patience for me. They don’t understand me; they think I’m melodramatic.”

“Do you remember the first month I was in the hospital? I couldn’t control my craving for sweets, kept getting angry, but you never got angry. You were always there, comforting me. No one has ever comforted me; people just think it’s terrible for a boy to act like this.”

“You were willing to paint with me, saying my drawings were beautiful. I was so happy.”

“Every day when I saw you, you had a smile on your face. I was so happy.”

“You encouraged and praised everything I did. I was so happy.”

Laughter mixed with sobs echoed in the room, repeatedly expressing, “I’m so happy.” The ostensibly joyful tone was permeated with endless sadness, and the entire room, now laid bare, seemed to reveal the hidden emotions buried deep within.

The innocent lamb had revealed its true nature – a wicked wolf that loved to cry.

Su Lixu felt a cool drop on his neck, and his body immediately stiffened.

Did this guy cry?

…Well, the guilty often accuse first.

“So why don’t you want me? I’m really… so sad, I’m so sad that I feel like I’m going to die.” Fu Xingran pressed his cheek against Su Lixu’s, his hands gripping Su Lixu’s slightly cold hands as they descended. “Dr. Su, you have such a ruthless heart.”

The air carried the grievous and choked accusations, and Su Lixu, looking down at the hands forcibly entwined by Fu Xingran, felt a headache coming on. He was truly innocent in this matter, yet Fu Xingran seemed to be fixated on it.

It seems Mr. Fu hasn’t mentioned it yet.

“Besides, you didn’t even recognize me. I had to greet you first for you to recognize me. I’m even sadder now,” Fu Xingran said.

Su Lixu was about to speak, but Fu Xingran continued:

“There are other men around you, and I feel so jealous. What should I do? So I couldn’t bear it, and I had to tell you. Although I kind of hate that you left me, I like you more, so I want to like you. I won’t hate you or protect you; I want to love you.”

Unlike the earlier distressed emotions, the low and hoarse words whispered in his ear, filled with a paranoid emotion, seemed like the words of a demon, carrying a sense of danger.

The warmth from the broad chest was scorching, and Su Lixu felt Fu Xingran’s excited heartbeat pounding on his back, along with rapid breaths that clearly conveyed the young man’s excitement behind him.

Excitement because of expressing genuine emotions.

Excitement because he had discovered the secret.

Normal people wouldn’t experience such intense emotional fluctuations, but individuals with borderline personality disorder have intense emotions. Just like Fu Xingran now, who, despite realizing his mistake in looking at the photos and paintings, urgently wanted to express his love, uncontrollable.

Paranoid, pathological, yet vivid like a blooming red rose, carrying a forceful impact.

If Su Lixu were to sternly rebuke him now, he knew what would happen.

Although he is no longer a practicing physician, he used to be, and the young man in front of him was once his patient. He knows very well what could happen. Once Fu Xingran’s emotions approach a threshold, he is bound to lose control extremely, and the manifestation of that loss of control is not harming others but harming himself.

“If I get angry, I’ll go crazy, you know that, right?” Fu Xingran’s hand moved up to Su Lixu’s left chest, as if searching for some trace: “Just like back then, you said ‘no,’ and I insisted; you said ‘let go,’ and I refused.

“When Su Lixu was touched, he instantly grabbed Fu Xingran’s restless hand, and the sternness that had surged up in his throat was rationalized down in the next instant.

No anger, no haste—remain calm.

He took a deep breath, pulling down Fu Xingran’s hand. “I think we need to have a talk

.”Mr. Fu’s well-intentioned lies had intensified Fu Xingran’s emotions towards him, and this emotion was likely triggered by this point, prompting Fu Xingran to develop other feelings for him.

How dare he casually ignite this ticking time bomb.

“Yes, we should have a talk, like about the fact that I like you,” Fu Xingran released Su Lixu’s hand, gently cupping his almost unbearable to look at.

“Wanna give it a try?” Fu Xingran asked with a smile.Su Lixu looked at him in surprise, as if asking, ‘Are you crazy?’ Then he saw Fu Xingran smile, a brilliant and charming smile, yet resembling a mischievous little devil.

“Come.” Fu Xingran released the embrace, walked to Su Lixu’s side, took Su Lixu’s hand, and led him to a chair beside him. “Sit down.”

Su Lixu looked at the chair next to the oil painting, and his head buzzed. In an instant, he heard his own heartbeat suddenly accelerate, a strong impact against his eardrums. Capturing the smirk in Fu Xingran’s eyes and deciphering this guy’s intentions, his throat tightened.

“Fu Xingran, stop fooling around.”

“I’m not kidding.” Fu Xingran placed his hands on Su Lixu’s shoulders. “Didn’t you give up on me four years ago? If I had died because of you back then, wouldn’t you feel guilty? So, I’m still alive now, wanting to define our relationship, that’s all.”

As he spoke, he applied a little force, making Su Lixu sit in the chair.

The thin fabric clung to the back of the chair, and a slightly cool metal shook his reason.

The chair faced this oil painting directly. Perhaps the painting was too impactful; Su Lixu felt like the next moment he would become the person in the painting—constrained by a stethoscope, restricted by the atmosphere of embarrassment, and constrained by the little devil behind him.

No.

“Xingran, as you said, you just think I gave up on you. You are reluctant and don’t understand why I left; this is obsession, not affection.”

Fu Xingran bent down, his hands supporting Su Lixu’s shoulders, both of them gazing at the painting on the wall within the same line of sight: “I’m very clear that I like you. Didn’t I say that?”

—I want to be on top of him.

The phrase suddenly popped into Su Lixu’s mind, leaving him dumbfounded.

“I may be sick, but I’m not a fool. I can clearly distinguish what liking is.” Fu Xingran, feeling the tension in the body under his palm, laughed. “If I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t want to get close to you, wouldn’t want to hug you, wouldn’t want to touch you intimately, wouldn’t want to be on top of you—I’m only for you.”Once again, the straightforward words left Su Lixu speechless. He had underestimated Fu Xingran’s ability to express emotions and overestimated his own coping abilities.

This painting, this chair, were driving him crazy.

What should he do?

Fu Xingran gently turned the chair, took Su Lixu’s hand, and placed it on his left chest, gazing fervently. “Can you feel it? My heartbeat. I’m still alive because of you. I gritted my teeth to stay alive to find you.”

Feeling the powerful heartbeat beneath his palm, Su Lixu lifted his eyes slightly, meeting Fu Xingran’s intense gaze, a formidable stare that was hard to escape from.

The proximity now had completely changed its flavor, and the frail and weak boy from the past was no longer frail but had grown exceptionally tall and strong. All the vulnerability he thought was pitiful was a web woven by Fu Xingran. Whether the emotions were genuine or fake, the goal was the same—to get him.

Because he understood, he knew that the obsessions and possessiveness of borderline personality disorder were not easily comprehensible or explained.

At least, the grip on his hand now was a force he couldn’t break free from.

But now he was no longer Fu Xingran’s doctor. Their current relationship could barely be considered teacher and student, and aside from that, perhaps they were friends or even brothers.

“You saved this, and if you don’t want it, I’ll smash it.” Fu Xingran, not hearing Su Lixu’s response, deepened his gaze, a hint of anxiety in it.

Listening to the almost paranoid words echoing in his ears, it felt like that stormy night, the boy scared and timid, pleading for help with a penchant for attachment that was hard to articulate. And now, the irresistible strength, the overwhelming pressure, testing his sanity.

—Dr. Su, I keep thinking about biting you, is that crazy?

—Can you let me bite you a little longer? Hug me; I’m so scared.

—Dr. Su, you have to save me, okay?

“Do you want me?” Fu Xingran asked again.”

Fu Xingran.”

“I’m here.”

Upon hearing Su Lixu call his name, Fu Xingran felt a sudden tightness in his chest. However, he noticed that Su Lixu no longer exhibited the usual gentleness; his face was cold, as if encased in frost, and his eyes held a chilly demeanor, making Fu Xingran nervous.

Su Lixu lifted his eyes slightly and looked at Fu Xingran. “What if I say no?”

The tone was calm but conveyed a clear sense of displeasure.

This sentence undoubtedly ignited the spark that could set everything ablaze.

Emotions in Fu Xingran’s eyes spread like ink. He placed his hand on the bathrobe belt, gazing at Su Lixu, slowly pulling out the soft bathrobe belt. As if in slow motion, a dangerous atmosphere pervaded the room.

Su Lixu observed the movement, subconsciously glancing at the stethoscope on the painting.

His eyelashes trembled slightly as he met Fu Xingran’s gaze, his eyes dark and misty, seemingly impenetrable with emotions that threatened to engulf him. Instinctively, he held his breath.Yet, he continued to uphold his stance.

Fu Xingran stared at the man before him, capturing every expression in his eyes. As if not satisfied, he turned his face, chuckling lightly. Rising from the chair, he walked towards the door.

Su Lixu watched as Fu Xingran’s hand touched the door.

With a gentle push, the light from outside gradually narrowed, shadows casting over Fu Xingran’s face.

“Then, don’t cry later.”

A loud thud echoed, the sound striking Su Lixu’s heart heavily.

The door closed completely.