#101

“……Home. Please take me home.”

After a brief hesitation, I carefully spoke, and Secretary Sung Yoojun nodded before starting to walk ahead. I followed him, matching his slower pace.

I don’t clearly remember what kind of state I was in when we went to the parking lot, got in the car, and headed home. I just kept thinking about the Goo Won in the game, his lover Seohyun, and my younger sister Cheon, and before I knew it, we had arrived home.

After turning off the car, Secretary Sung Yoojun stayed behind to handle the car, while I walked up the stairs, opened the living room door connected to the parking lot, and entered. The cold interior greeted me.

“Everyone else is at the office.”

Secretary Sung Yoojun’s explanation made me slowly nod.

I had been away from the house for only a day, but for some reason, it felt strange, unfamiliar. I furrowed my brows, feeling uncomfortable with the sensation, and looked around before turning to Secretary Sung Yoojun, who was quietly standing behind me.

“I’ll rest here today. You’ll be going to work, right, Secretary Sung?”

“If you need help, I can take the day off as well.”

I widened my eyes at his words. Despite being busy, he still offered to stay with me…… At times like this, it seemed like Secretary Sung Yoojun always prioritized me, which made me feel a little pleased.

“It’s fine. You can go to work. I’ll be staying home, so don’t worry too much.”

But, not wanting to keep a busy person by my side, I gently pushed Sung Yoojun’s back. Though he seemed like he wanted to stay, I ultimately won.

Not long after Sung Yoojun went down to the parking lot, I heard the sound of the parking lot door opening. I stood still in the living room until I heard it close again, then moved to my room.

“Top section of the first drawer on the left side of the bedroom dresser.”

Muttering the words that were written inside the envelope, I looked at the drawer in my bedroom. The modern, minimalist dresser matched the neat decor, with no additional ornaments. I walked up to it, opened the left first drawer, and started feeling around the top.

As my fingers traced from the outside to the inside, I suddenly felt something like a groove getting in the way. I followed the slightly indented groove with my fingers, then hooked my fingernail on it and pulled it downward. With a click, the panel covering the top of the drawer opened.

Wow, there’s a secret space here. As I marveled at the secret space I had never seen before, I carefully continued to move my hand. As I rummaged through the inside of the secret space, I suddenly pulled out something that caught my hand.

When I pulled it out, it was a very familiar metal box.

This square metal box was something my father’s friend had brought when visiting the house when I was very young. Cheon and I had used it as a treasure chest. The lid of the box had our names written in crooked handwriting.

Seeing the childhood treasure chest after such a long time, I felt a deep sense of nostalgia, and I gently ran my fingers over it. I lingered a little longer on the part where Cheon’s and my names were written. As I slowly felt the cold metal box with my fingertips, I carefully opened the lid.

Inside the box was a leather notebook of a moderate size. What’s this notebook? I cautiously took it out and opened it.

[Seohyun died again. I couldn’t stop it this time either.]

And as soon as I opened the notebook, I flinched, my body trembling. What is this? This unsettling content? I stared hard at the sentence, which made me feel an urge not to read any further, but with a deep sigh, I slowly turned the page of the notebook.

[Once again, the person who caused Seohyun’s death was someone related to Tartarus. I couldn’t understand why I kept getting involved with them.]

[How many times have I lost Seohyun? No matter how many times I returned to the past and tried, I couldn’t protect her.]

[If I can’t protect her, I’d rather die with her. But I couldn’t even do that.]

[I can’t die. As if some absolute being doesn’t allow my death.]

I kept turning the pages of the notebook, furrowing my brows. Returning to the past…… What kind of absurd story is this? But when I thought about how I was in the game world, it didn’t seem entirely impossible.

For now, I set aside the reliability and accuracy of what was written and continued to read the notebook closely.

[Why I can’t die, why I have to keep losing the people I love, I found out.]

[It’s because this world is a game world, and I am a character set in that way. Before meeting Tartarus, the main character of this world, I had to lose Seohyun because of matters related to them, and then resent Tartarus. To get revenge, my character’s identity was to make them miserable.]

[It wasn’t a coincidence that I, who had been busy managing the company, suddenly thought of Seohyun wanting to become a famous actress and founded the entertainment company. It wasn’t a coincidence that I brought Tartarus into it either. It was all part of someone else’s preordained fate.]

[It was unreasonable. It was so terribly unreasonable. Because of my character’s identity, Seohyun, who had to die over and over again, and me, who had to keep losing the ones I love, and all the kids who had to suffer just because they were the protagonists of the game, all of them were unreasonable.]

[Because of such unjust reasons, I couldn’t make those kids miserable. Whether it was a predetermined setup or fate, it didn’t matter. I will reject it with all my strength.] 

I nodded with a satisfied expression at Goo Won’s vow in the game. It was the right choice. I would have made the same choice.

[Already, I don’t even remember how many times I’ve gone back to the past. Thousands of times? Or maybe tens of thousands? Counting numbers no longer had any meaning. How long must I live like this?]

[Every time I return to the past, I always witness Seohyun’s death. I thought I’d eventually grow numb to it as time passed, but that was a mistake. Every time I saw Seohyun die, I felt the shock and pain as if the world was collapsing around me. It hurt so much.]

But as I turned the pages, the game’s Goo Won began to crumble more and more, unlike the original vow. I understood him. Continuously losing the person you love must be the most painful and excruciating thing. I gave a bitter smile and turned one more page of the notebook.

[Cheon is dead.]

And at the single sentence written there, I let out a heavy breath.

[Although I’ve gone back to the past countless times, this was the first time something like this had happened. A bad change started to appear in a world where the same events always occurred. It’s ominous.]

[Cheon is dead again.]

[This time, Cheon died again.]

[Suddenly, I figured out the reason for Cheon’s death. It was because I hadn’t made Tartarus miserable. It was a kind of penalty given to a character who couldn’t fulfill their predetermined role properly. I felt a strong intention to force me to act as they wanted through Cheon’s death.]

[But even so, I couldn’t make those kids miserable.]

[Once again, Cheon is dead.]

[I couldn’t make Tartarus miserable.]

[Cheon is dead.]

[I couldn’t make Tartarus miserable.]

[Cheon is dead.]

[Seohyun is dead.]

[I cannot make Tartarus miserable.]

[Seohyun is dead.]

[Cheon is dead.]

[I don’t want to live like this. It’s too painful.]

[Seohyun is dead again.]

[Cheon is dead too.]

[Even though I know I shouldn’t, I can’t help but hate Tartarus. Would this have happened to me if they hadn’t been there? Would Seohyun and Cheon have lived happily if they were alive? I loathe myself for thinking these things, but I can’t stop thinking about them.]

[Cheon is dead.]

[Seohyun is dead.]

[I…… Tartarus…… those kids……]

[No matter how hard I try, I can’t save Cheon and Seohyun. There was no way. In front of the destined fate, I was an utterly powerless existence.]

[I can’t endure it anymore. I just want to end it all.]

[Just kill me.]

I clenched the notebook with trembling hands. I knew I had to keep reading, but I couldn’t bring myself to turn the page anymore.

This notebook held unimaginable pain that one person had to endure.

Thousands of times. Tens of thousands of times. Maybe even more, repeating the same time and losing loved ones. Could I ever truly understand his heart? It felt as though a huge, cold stone had dropped onto my heart.

I placed my hand on my chest, where I felt a sharp sensation, pressing down on it. After a moment of slow breathing and slight calming, I was finally able to turn the page again.

[In the end, I made those kids miserable.]

[Watching them cry, hurt, and suffer felt like my heart was being torn apart. But if I think that this is the end, then I can endure this kind of pain.]