Chapter 33: Shh, there’s someone outside

The annual WPA China Psychiatry Congress is held in the capital.

On the stage, Su Lixu, dressed in a black suit, presents a report as the representative of their group. The report focuses on the candidate genes and environmental factors related to borderline personality disorder (BPD), genetic factors, and their interactions. He introduces the research achievements of their team in the field of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and its societal impact.

“Borderline Personality Disorder is characterized by high impulsivity, emotional instability, tense and unstable interpersonal relationships, identity identification disorders, self-harming behaviors, prolonged feelings of emptiness and fatigue, and the potential to cause transient psychotic episodes. Abroad, it is one of the most studied personality disorders, aside from antisocial personality disorder, but in our country, it’s still a relatively unfamiliar concept.”

“By analyzing the clinical characteristics of borderline personality disorder, defense mechanisms, exploring related environmental factors, genetic factors, and their interactions in the formation of BPD, the team conducted symptom interviews on 376 clinical patients with borderline personality disorder…”

The young man on the stage is exceptionally youthful, gentle as jade, and steady as bamboo, reporting on the current weak research results on borderline personality disorder in personality disorder studies in China.

“My introduction is complete.” Su Lixu looks towards the professors below, nodding gently.

“Thank you, Dr. Su, for your report. I know your team has conducted research on the environmental factors related to BPD and various stressors of PTSD. BPD and PTSD have similar stressors in their formation. Have you made inter-group comparisons? What are the results?”

Professor He, in the audience, had a subtle expression when he heard this question. Dealing with external cooperation is most troublesome.Su Lixu, hearing the question, pondered for a moment and then smiled in response, “Professor Guo raised an excellent question. Our team hasn’t had the opportunity to make these comparisons yet. But I believe that in the not-too-distant future, we will surely provide Professor Guo with a satisfactory answer.”

Since his graduate studies, he has been conducting research in this area under his mentor’s guidance. Inter-group comparisons will definitely be done; it’s just not time yet to announce progress and results. One of the precautions for external cooperation is to completely share research ideas and findings within the group and maintain secrecy outside the group. Therefore, in such an international conference, he can’t disclose it.Fortunately, nothing went wrong, and the presentation was smooth.

After the report, their team admires artworks created by some recovered mental patients and paintings provided by artists for this conference.

“Didn’t there used to be news about finding Van Gogh in a mental hospital?” Professor Mo looks at these paintings and sighs, “Although these are drawn by recovered patients, if they could create such paintings during their episodes, wouldn’t it be more exciting? Their art might have more substance.”

Su Lixu looks at one of the oil paintings on the wall, depicting a sunflower field shrouded in dark clouds, with a window above the field showing a clear sky.-

“Absurdity”

That’s the name of this painting.

He feels somewhat familiar, as if he has seen such a painting somewhere.

He Shi, upon hearing his mentor’s words, subconsciously glanced at Su Lixu, “Hey, speaking of this, Professor, you don’t know, but Lixu has a ‘Van Gogh’ around him.”

Su Lixu’s back stiffened, and he looked at He Shi with an expression of speechlessness. It’s just bringing up an awkward topic.

“Oh?” Professor Mo expressed interest, asking, “How so?”

Su Lixu, realizing he can’t avoid it, said, “It’s the first patient I brought to the mental hospital before. He’s now a student in the Architecture Department at Beijing University.”

Professor Mo thoughtfully asked, “Is that the little boy who threw a tantrum for candy?”

Su Lixu couldn’t help but laugh at this description, “Yes, that’s him.”

“Oh, how is he recovering now? Being able to study at the Beijing University School of Fine Arts must mean he’s excellent.”

When it came to this, Su Lixu fell silent for a moment. He hesitated, “After being discharged from the hospital four years ago, he hasn’t received any psychological or medication treatment.”

Although Feng Xingran looks fine now, in Su Lixu’s mind, Fu Xingran’s borderline personality disorder still feels like a timed bomb, not knowing when it might explode.

“He hasn’t received any treatment?” Professor Mo’s expression became somewhat serious, “What happened? Because of family reasons? Wait, I remember his father…”

“Because of me,” Su Lixu lowered his eyes and said softly, “After I went abroad, he refused treatment from any doctors except me.”

Suddenly, Professor Mo thought of Su Lixu saying four years ago that he wanted to study abroad. After returning to the country, he refused to work at the front line. Could there be something between them? “So… what’s your relationship with him now?”

Su Lixu’s gaze fell on the sunflower oil painting, his thoughts drifting away. “I’m also wondering whether I didn’t handle something well.”

Physicians find it difficult to treat themselves. The closer he gets, the more he worries. To bear such intense emotions, full dependence, and unwavering commitment, can he do it? Can he love Fu Xingran like Fu Xingran loves him?These past few days, busy with the presentation, he didn’t let Fu Xingran come to his place. It seems like Fu Xingran is busy with something too. Both have become busy since that night after drinking. When they’re busy, there’s no time to think, but once they stop, the thoughts start flooding in.

Even seeing this painting on the wall makes him involuntarily think of Fu Xingran.

“Lixu.”

Su Lixu felt his mentor patting his shoulder and turned his head.

“There’s a saying that goes, the best psychologist in the world is a patient lover,” Professor Mo smiled kindly, “You, however, are a bit obtuse. He doesn’t see a psychologist because the best doctor is far away yet close by. He can control himself well in front of you, stable emotions – that’s the best treatment. Of course, I’m not saying there’s no need for further diagnostic work; that’s naturally required.”

“But, with your preliminary diagnosis, you should have a sense, right? Before taking on the role of a lover, you were a professional psychiatrist. You should be able to judge his current condition.”

Su Lixu thought to himself that Fu Xingran is naturally doing well now. He’s much better than when they first met, at least not needing to pretend after Su Lixu discovered his secret. He can truly be himself in front of Su Lixu.

What he worries about most is that he feels he doesn’t understand Fu Xingran enough and isn’t sure if he can remain steadfast. Because once he starts, he can’t stop, and Fu Xingran won’t let him stop. If he hesitates, Fu Xingran will break down.

“And what’s there to be afraid of? You can’t be his doctor, but Dr. He can. He’s the most suitable.” Professor Mo patted He Shi’s arm with a smile, “Right, Dr. He?”

He Shi: “…” How did his name get involved again?

Su Lixu looked at He Shi; this is something he wanted to ask for He Shi’s help with a long time ago. He just wasn’t sure if Fu Xingran would accept He Shi and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue this way.

Seeing Su Lixu looking at him, He Shi immediately understood what it meant. He helplessly rubbed his forehead, “It’s not that I don’t want to help; it depends on whether that guy is willing. As long as he’s willing, I don’t mind, consider it a good deed.”

Su Lixu, hearing He Shi’s words, gradually relaxed his brows and eyes, “Really? Are you willing to help him?”

“In fact, the key is not me but you,” He Shi said, “All his anxiety, fear of abandonment, vigilance towards me, it all comes from his hesitation about you. Whether he can progress further, whether he places you above all, others aren’t as important. My therapy is just auxiliary. Whether he fully recovers depends on you.”

As Su Lixu thought about how he impulsively hugged and kissed Fu Xingran that night, he felt himself irrational. But he had been drinking that day, maybe not completely drunk, but the impulsiveness and actions that he usually wouldn’t do might have been due to weakened consciousness, with the subconscious taking over. Maybe he really.

..He realized that he had fallen for Fu Xingran.

But can he truly stand by Fu Xingran’s side without wavering?

If he gives up midway, it means abandoning Fu Xingran, who is filled with fervor for him. He can’t even imagine how Fu Xingran would react.

“How about trying the Romeo and Juliet law?” He Shi draped his arm over Su Lixu’s shoulder, pressing down on his head, “When love faces external challenges, these obstacles deepen the bond between the two.”

Su Lixu turned his head away, “I don’t like—”

“Alright, alright.” He Shi, knowing that Su Lixu doesn’t like people touching his hands, said, “Don’t you want to see how far Fu Xingran will allow me to approach you? We can analyze his current situation through his reactions and guide him appropriately. And there’s also you.”

“Me?” Su Lixu asked.

“Aren’t you unsure if you can be with him?” He Shi smiled, “Let’s go skiing this weekend. You and him, and bring me along.

“Su Lixu said, “I don’t know how to ski.”

“I think Fu Xingran can ski. Let him teach you.” He Shi leaned closer, raised an eyebrow, and smiled, “I’ll observe. As a bystander, I can see things more clearly. Also, I’m helping you escape being single. You’re almost thirty; don’t leave regrets.”

After listening, Su Lixu fell into silence for a moment. Hesitatingly, he asked, “So, what should I do?”

“I’ll handle it when the time comes. You remember to invite him this weekend, don’t mention that I’m coming too. It’ll be a surprise for him.”

Su Lixu looked at He Shi and suddenly felt uneasy. But He Shi was right; he needed an opportunity now to make him willing to commit.

He was no longer a young man in his twenties, acting on impulse, just playing around. That’s something he couldn’t do.If he starts, he won’t give up.

“Okay.”Later, he chatted with several authoritative experts at the club for a while. Before leaving, Su Lixu went to the restroom.

By the washbasin, Su Lixu let the cold water flow over his hands.

His little habit of not liking others to touch his hands couldn’t be resisted until he left. He had to come to the restroom to wash his hands and ease his obsessive-compulsive disorder.

“Bro, still washing even when it’s red?”

Suddenly, a warm and broad figure attached to his back. Su Lixu’s lower back tightened as he saw a pair of hands passing through his waist, gripping the hands he was washing under the flowing water, picking up the hand soap residue. The hands were almost a size larger than his, slender and fair, with a touch of roughness in the palms, probably because they were an art student frequently handling tools. This roughness, however, massaged his finger joints, caught the foam on his hands, and even flipped his palms, rubbing with the thumb pad.

The uncontrollable tingling sensation in his heart directly overshadowed the obsessive-compulsive disorder he had just experienced while shaking hands with several people.

Finally, as the water washed away the foam, their ten fingers tightly interlocked in an intimate posture.

He slowly raised his gaze, meeting the reflected mischievous smile of Fu Xingran in the mirror, causing a shiver in his heart…. How can this guy be so sly even while washing hands?

Suddenly, it reminded him of the first time he met Fu Xingran at University A, also in the restroom, also washing hands, and then Fu Xingran wiped his hands for him.

“Done washing.” Fu Xingran pulled a paper towel from the side and wiped Su Lixu’s hands. Finally, he directly tucked Su Lixu’s slightly cold hands into his clothes, pressing them against his waist, and lowered his gaze with a smile, “Little brother brand hand dryer.”

Su Lixu felt the texture of the abdominal muscles under his palm, like a hot potato. His eyes rippled, and he wanted to pull his hands back, “How did you end up here?”

But reason told him that these hands needed a bit more drying.

Just then, there were voices from a few people chatting outside the restroom, as if they were about to enter.Before Su Lixu could react, he was abruptly pulled into a nearby cubicle by Fu Xingran.

A “thud” sound, the door locked.

The restroom’s space was small, and two adult men in the same space felt crowded and ambiguous.

“Shh, there are people outside.” Fu Xingran’s hand rested near Su Lixu’s ear.

The warm breath fell on his ear, making Su Lixu feel a bit itchy. He tilted his head and the Adam’s apple rolled, “How did you end up here?”

Seeing Su Lixu’s earlobes gradually turning red, Fu Xingran’s heart itched. He lowered his head, pressing his cheek against Su Lixu’s ear, feeling the shy warmth emanating from the man’s ears. Then he laughed softly, “Missed you too much, wanted to come and see you.”

Feeling that the distance was not quite right, Su Lixu turned to the side, “Why are you here?”

“Even if I’m busy, I have to find time to think about you.” Fu Xingran seeing Su Lixu turning redder, wiped his hands with a paper towel, then directly put Su Lixu’s slightly cold hands into his clothes, pressing them against his waist. He chuckled, “Little brother brand hand dryer.”

“I find that you really lack any distinctive features,” Su Lixu felt that Fu Xingran had completely unleashed his true nature, every word, every action, exuding an indescribable sense of slyness.

Fu Xingran seemed to sense something. He embraced Su Lixu, lowered his voice, and chuckled deeply, “My only feature is being special—specifically for you, special.”

Su Lixu couldn’t bear it anymore, “Fu Xingran, let’s go skiing tomorrow.”

Fu Xingran was somewhat surprised. He had just come to the venue to deliver a painting, happened to see Su Lixu, and ended up pulling him into the restroom. How could such a good thing happen? Dr. Su actively inviting him inside a restroom compartment for the first time?

For the first time, he took the initiative to invite him.

Su Lixu cupped Fu Xingran’s face, making him look directly at him. He earnestly said, “You must come tomorrow. You cannot miss it; if you don’t come, you’ll regret it for a lifetime.”

After saying this, he pushed open the restroom door and walked out.

If something didn’t happen soon, he would be the one to regret it.