Today I was sitting in front of the fireplace, staring blankly while thinking. I think I lacked the feeling of attachment toward anything. I never felt attached to the company I worked for, money and most of all, people. When I came to this world, I had close friends. I believe this was the first time I felt scared that the value of our relationship could be destroyed.
I think I had never been truly in love. Since I worked for a top tier trading company, I was pretty popular with women but I could never make any of my relationships last for long. It seemed my old girlfriends ended up feeling hurt because of my very lack of affection or they just felt tired and gave up on me.
Relationships like that kept on repeating and it made me think that maybe I was not cut out for love. I would only end up hurting both my partner and myself by being in love so I came to the conclusion that I absolutely didn’t want to have anything to do with love.
But,after meeting Yurina-san, I realized something and changed my mind about it.
Love is the byproduct of an attachment. Isn’t it the kind of relationship with a value that is finally established after getting attached and being persistent even after you’re getting covered in mud and injuries all over your body?
When I think about that, I believe there was nothing more difficult to me than that. The essential thing here was not about whether my partner was attached to me or about my love technique or anything like that. The main problem was about how attached I was to my partner. Being attached to someone depended on my own feelings. I couldn’t control my own feelings so basically, it was out of my own control.
The more I think about her, the more I felt like I was lost in a deep and complicated maze. If someone asked me whether I like her or hate her, then I would definitely say I ‘like’ her. But, if someone were to ask how much I ‘like’ her, how deep my ‘like’ for her was, I would become at a loss for words.
I don’t understand my own heart myself. Why is love so complicated like this?
T/N: I personally think that if it’s about love, you need to think less and just feel more. Because really, love is illogical so even if you try to think about it, you won’t find the answer you’re looking for.