Kimi No Shiawase Wo Negatteita 2 Chapter 3.5

“Pheromones are landmarks for finding compatible genes, and the reason you find them attractive is because your instincts are telling you to have a baby with this guy in order to leave superior genes.

The reason you don’t feel other pheromones when your fated pair bites the nape of your neck is because you don’t want someone else to take your compatible genes away from you.

If this theory is true, then the person we think we’re destined for is simply a genetically compatible partner.

How do we know there isn’t just one person in the world? If we look for them, there may be several.

I think that, before I became Kanade’s turn, there were some people who thought ‘this guy smells good’, although it was incomparably inferior to my fateful pair, so I guess that means we were a better match than the others.”

Does that mean that Ren might have a fated person other than me? ……… 

So, even if I’m careful not to let Ren sense that I’m his fated pair, if someone else with compatible genes appears, he might catch Ren with his pheromones?

When I imagined Ren sinking his teeth into someone else’s neck with an ecstatic expression on his face, a thick, unspeakable, unpleasant feeling began to swirl around my chest.

“The academic research claims that the feeling of loving each other is an illusion and that we are being manipulated by our instincts.”

“Oh no. ………”

So, if I were to get Raizo-san to bite me, if I were freed from my instincts, would my love for Ren, which has been harvesting since university, disappear like a bubble?

This love that won’t go away even if I cried to my death, is it that easy…..?

“There are still many unanswered questions about omega and alpha pheromones in the research stage, but if what we think is destiny is just an illusion, then there’s no need for Wakaba to worry about the possibility that the person he’s about to meet might have a fated pair.’

………Wakaba, what’s wrong? You look pale.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening.”

The theory that ‘the fated pair is an illusion’ was so shocking that I didn’t hear the last part of the story.

I hurriedly excused myself, though I had caused Raizo-san to worry terribly, partly because he thought that my heat cycle was disrupted, and I struggled to make him take me back to my own place instead of the hotel where he was staying, as he was worried about leaving me alone.

There was so much going on today that I didn’t know where to start thinking first.

I was confused about the marriage proposal by Raizo-san and couldn’t help but wonder about the theory of more than a fated pair that he introduced to me today.

I was shocked that Ren might have someone else to call a fated pair other than me, and I was really shocked to find that I didn’t like it.

It’s like I was reminded once again that it’s not that this is for Ren who hates his fated pair, but that I myself don’t like it.

Ren’s fated pair is me.

I want to be Ren’s only destined person even if I get married and pair up with someone else.

I realized that I was selfish, selfish and have filthy desires, and I really hate my own wickedness.

I wanted a more beautiful and healthier love. I thought love was something more cheerful and joyful.

My feelings for Ren started when I realized he was my fated pair, so if it’s because I’m being manipulated by instinct and it might not be real love, then maybe it’s only natural that I’m having sloppy feelings.

It’s not pure love.

But that doesn’t mean it’s easy to change my mind right away and say, ‘Well, let’s stop’.

I don’t even know how I can give up my feelings for Ren.

I couldn’t believe that my feelings of love would be deleted to the extent that I would cry out from bliss as soon as I get bitten on the nape of my neck by an alpha.

“What would be the right thing to do………?”

When I hid my face with my arms to block my vision, it was still Ren’s face that came to mind.

The soft expression on his face when he was talking about his girlfriend, his serious eyes when he was listening to a lecture, his polished look in a suit, his slightly raised corners of mouth enjoying the aroma of tea and his cold face at a party.

Ren’s hand that grabbed my wrist had long fingers. The back of Ren up close was wider than I had imagined, his straight back was really beautiful.

I can easily remember as many things about Ren as I please.

I love him so much, it’s like a cheesy song lyric.

I don’t want to sound like I’m drunk with my misery, but that’s how I honestly feel right now.

If only the strength of my feelings were enough to make us compatible, I’d be more confident than anyone else in the world.

“Things don’t always work out in this world.”

I didn’t want to think about anything anymore, so I curled up like a fetus and pressed my face against the gap in the back of the sofa.

Curiously, curling up makes me feel a little safer, making the back of my head that felt thick and heavy ease up a little.

When I gave up thinking and closed my eyes, Ren appeared in my dream.

In it, Ren was smiling beautifully and looked very happy, but I was so distressed that I wanted to cry.

This is because his smile was directed at someone other than me.

A silhouette, which could vaguely belong to a woman or a man, was leaning close to Ren’s side, and Ren had his arms encircled around them, as if holding something precious.

Eventually, they both turned their backs to me and walked away.

Ren’s left hand was wrapped around the other person’s waist, and their right hands were tightly clasped together as they walked into a straight line path.

“Ren, wait, don’t go.”

I tried to follow after them, but something transparent prevented me from going to their side.

“Ren, Ren!”

I called Ren’s name and got down on the ground crying, then a blinding light shone on me and I couldn’t see anything at all.

The next morning I woke up in tears, the sky was disgustingly blue and the morning sun shone through the gap in the curtains, illuminating my face.

I got up squinting under the glaring brightness, brushed my tear-stained hair out of my face and opened the curtains to see a beautiful morning glow illuminating the buildings.

A single ray of light was stretching towards me through the gap between the buildings. It was like a continuation of the dream. Tears spilled down my face again as I remembered Ren disappearing into the light.

I want to be happy.

I want Ren to be happy.

The conflicting thoughts crossed over, tangled up in a jumble and made me feel like a wild goose, unable to move forward or backwards.

I know what the right thing to do is. I should keep it hidden like I have been doing until now, witness Ren’s happiness, and quietly disappear.

And yet, despite all these beautiful words on the surface, deep down my heart still wants Ren no matter how I try to make myself believe in them.

“I can’t help myself.”

When I looked down, I saw that my pants were wrinkled because I had fallen asleep with my clothes on. I let out one sigh at my pathetic appearance and headed for the bathroom to take a hot shower.

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